


This is Why Play-Pretend Sucks Ass

by BalloonBalls



Category: South Park
Genre: Actually spoilers on any episode that relates to the superhero gang, Multi, Please play the game before reading this k thanks, The Fractured but Whole Heavy referencing, The Fractured but Whole S P O I L E R S, any other types of spoilers will be named in the beginning notes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-28
Updated: 2018-03-30
Packaged: 2019-02-07 22:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 34
Words: 51,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12851172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BalloonBalls/pseuds/BalloonBalls
Summary: The Freedom Pals are a group of boys (and girl) who run around the town of South Park in their superhero costumes with underwear showing on the outside, just normal imaginary kids stuff. However when their imaginary superpowers become a reality due to an extreme fart, they're faced with a whole new source of problems.





	1. Powerful Farts New Kid

**Author's Note:**

> This is kinda just an opportunity to develop New Kid in a way, oops. Let me know what your New Kid looked like and what sexuality, religion, ethnicity etc they were!

"Okay, Freedom Pals, I am very glad to see you all here today." Timmy said through his totally OP telepathy skills, guess telepathy can't help him in the real world though so he kinda deserves to be a little OP when playing pretend. "Timmy your powers are still over powered as all shit. This is un-fucking-fair." Cartman complained, like he always does during meetings and such. To be completely honest, I'm surprised they even let Cartman in Freedom Pals after the whole Mitch Conner thing. Then again, they've been friends for a long, long time and he's done some messed up shit in that time being. 

"...Anyway, I'm glad we are all here today. Now I brought you all here because New Kid has something to share with us today." Timmy 'spoke' to all of us, and I stood when 'hearing' my name. "What is this, show-and-tell?" Cartman snickered, then got a jab to the side. "Shut up, fatass!" Kyle jeered. "Fuck off, Jew!" Cartman retorted. Why is this a normal thing here? "Settle down you two. Now, New Kid, show us what Morgan Freeman has showed you." Timmy settled the two down, and I'm not sure if they settle down of their own free will or not. No one questioned it though. 

I grabbed a delightfully Mexican food from my pocket, which probably shouldn't work but hey this is all make-believe anyway, and held it in my hand. "What's that?" Stan asked, seeing him without a hat still makes me severely uncomfortable. "That is a new fart ability, New Kid. When you eat it, it shall make you much stronger as all farts do. Though I don't know what it actually does, no one's made that before." Morgan Freeman's purple ghost appeared in front of all of us, speaking for me. 

"Why does it always have to be farts? Or Morgan Freeman? Why are they connected?" Token asked, clearly alarmed by Morgan Freeman's ghostly presence in front of us. Clyde shrugged at him in response. "The more the New Kid farts, the weirder this shit gets. It's like his powerful asshole sends us into an acid trip or something." Craig said snarkily, or not, I really can't tell anymore. "Butthole's got a powerful butthole." Stan said, shrugging. "Oh?! So Buttlord gets to have multiple classes AND a real ass super power?! I call bullshit!" Cartman shouted. 

"Would you want the power of a sickening asshole?" Kenny asked. "...Maybe I do." Cartman defended himself, trust me the powers of a sickening asshole isn't as cool as it seems. "Imagine how awful his shits must be Cartman! Farting like that, he's gotta have diarrhea all the time! It would be absolutely awful! Right Butthole?!" Kyle shouted, looking over at me. ...I don't wanna talk about my God damn diarrhea, why the hell do all these kids bring up about me is my asshole? These guys suck ass, pun intended. 

"Everyone settle down, the New Kid has yet to show us his new ability. Since he obviously has no idea what it does, this is going to be a new thing for us all to witness." Timmy said, seriously how the hell is he doing that? Last time I checked he didn't even have the ability to talk. "Yeah Butthole! Show us your spec....your spec...spec...your spectac...your awesome fart." Jimmy stuttered. I'm starting to think all these powers of theirs were created for irony's sake. 

I took a bite of the wrapped burrito in my hands, burrito? It was wrapped like a burrito but whatever the hell was inside it was a mystery to me. I went into Morgan Freeman's Taco Shop for a couple tortillas to craft with and he just gave me this, telling me it's a new recipe he wanted me to try and see how my ass would react. The taste was...spicy. Really spicy, like 'holy hell did I just do the ghost chilly pepper challenge' spicy. 

Once I swallowed it down, my everything immediately wanted to reject it. My stomach was already screaming in panic, more than it does after I take my medicine. My ass was already starting to produce a fart. I'm kinda scared to fart, especially since I'm still recovering from my fractured butthole. Ha, if I were to get heartbroken would I be a fractured Butthole? Oh God, that doesn't feel good at all. 

I clenched my ass cheeks, getting ready to rip a big one; let's see if this fart can conquer farting multiple people ten days into the future. I felt the bubbly gas build up in my ass, looking around everyone seemed to either shield themselves from the oncoming stench or watched me in aw. I started to let the fart happen, the gas coming out more and more until it sounded like a machine gun was going off. 

The more the gas poured out of me, the worse I started to feel. Usually when you fart, it feels better on your stomach; however now that it's being released it feels like my inside are getting shaken up from the strong gas. My head kind of hurts from it all, and it's getting harder to stand. As the fart started to come to an end, so did my ability to stand. My legs were starting to feel weak, and my head was spinning from the gas. Everything inside my body was burning, like I was being set on fire. I can't take the pain anymore. 

Once the fart ended, I dropped to my feet. Unfortunately I was still conscious, my body screaming in charred and painful remains. My asshole felt the worse though, worse than Mr. Slave's asshole probably feels. That poor asshole. I wasn't sure if sitting down was the best option, if I sat my ass my feel worse. I sat on my knees, leaning down to balance all my weight on my arms that were propped up next to my knees. 

"Oh Jesus, Buttlord's down!" I heard Tweek faintly shout in my general direction, but my hearing was starting to turn to loud ringing. I felt like throwing up, the pain from my head making it feel like twenty five pound weights were tied to my head. "We need to call a doctor!" Kyle shouted, all the Freedom Pals were talking over each other. "No dumbass! They won't believe you!" "We have to try!" How could we even get him there?!" "We need to call someone! Maybe Morgan Freeman?!" All their boyish voices were mushed into one sound, indistinguishable to my pounding head. 

Still, if they were to call someone it would be awkward to explain that I passed out from farting to hard. Besides, if I drew attention to myself by going to a hospital my parents would kinda be mad. I slowly rose my head up, using all the strength I could muster to see everyone. I couldn't really make out what they were saying, but they all were scurrying around like ants. Everything was starting to return to normal though in my body, I was able to keep my head up. 

"...alm down Tweek he's not gonna die! We're gonna get him to a hospital!" Craig shouted, holding Tweek's shoulders. "Craig we can't call a hospital, so stop suggesting it!" Tweek shouted, and a flash suddenly came into my vision. At first, I thought it was myself going cold again, but that's wrong. Everyone's eyes were wide, even Tweek's. He wasn't even shaking at this point. I turned my head to see burn marks in the ground of the Freedom Pals' base's floor in the form of a large T. 

"...Did you just...shoot real lightening?!" 


	2. Panic! With the Freedom Pals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I just wanted to describe my New Kid since I never did that even though I wanted to know what everyone's is like.  
> New Kid  
> Difficulty- one skin color under the hardest difficulty  
> Classes- that plant kid and an elementalist  
> Sexuality- transmasculine homosexual boy  
> Race- Latino Irish  
> Religion- Lawful Christian

Over the many months I've been here, I've gotten pretty associated with everyone's mannerisms and little quirks and stuff. Clyde spends all his money at Raisins, Cartman really hates the Jews, Craig flips people off way too often, stuff like that. The thing about Tweek is that I'm not sure why, but he always shakes like he has Parkinson's disease and I'm pretty sure it's his coffee intake. But now, after that lightening shot from his body, he was completely still and motionless. 

Everyone stared at him with expressions of pure terror and/or confusion. Silence filled the room, an uncomfortable silence that stuck in the air like credit card debt that won't go away. "...Did you just...shoot real lightening?!" Clyde shouted, pulling down his 'mask' to talk normally. "I-I don't know! I didn't even, what-" Tweek's body started to go to it's normal shakiness, however it was more violent than usual. "What the fuck is going on here?!" Kenny shouted, his voice still in character even at a time like this. 

"I-I don't e-even know man! I just-I got scared-and then- the lightening- and- and-" Tweek panicked, pulling strands of his own hair out. Craig didn't even tell him to stop, when looking at him he was more in shock than all of us. "Dude...you could've fucking killed me!" Craig shouted at Tweek, and Tweek made a little squeak. "I-I'm sorry! I-I-I didn't mean to-" Tweek stammered, his hands shaking violently as strands of his hair started to fall to the ground. Craig didn't even calm Tweek down, he seemed pretty pissed to say the least. 

"We're calling a doctor, now! For Butthole, and for Tweek!" Kyle shouted, grabbing his phone from his pocket. "No dude! If we do they won't believe us! We need to talk to someone who actually can help them. And it's Wonder Tweek, Humankite." Stan argued. "Dude, this isn't a fucking game anymore! We're not 'in character' right now! We're taking them to see a doctor, Stan." Kyle argued back, and Kenny moved to be near the two. "Guys, fighting isn't going to fucking solve anything. I agree with Stan though, taking them to the doctor is pointless because they won't help us at all. We need to talk to someone who can help us." Kenny said, mediating between the two. 

"Wait, guys, wasn't shooting lightening one of Tweek's 'special powers'?" Token butted in, waddling over to the group conversation. "Yeah, it was, what's your point?" Kenny asked him. "Well, what other powers did he have?" Token asked, his voice relatively calm and composed. "W-What are yo-ou trying to say Token?" Tweek asked. "Well, what if you have more than just lightening powers? Didn't you have something like freezing people, or healing someone? Something like that." Token asked, and Tweek twitched nervously. 

"Holy shit guys, don't you realize something?" Cartman asked from the back of the room, and everyone turned their attention over to him. "Screw Netflix, we can call the news! Media would eat this shit up, and we'll be rich and famous! Butthole's magic butthole turns Tweek into a wonder! We'd be rich!" Cartman said, his eyes looking like they gleamed with diamonds. "Cartman are you fucking insane?! We need to fix this, not profit from it!" Kyle shouted at him. You know, the more they talk the more they hate each other. I have no idea why they even hang out sometimes. 

"Oh, the Jew doesn't want to get big money? That's news worthy alone." Cartman spat back while Kyle seethed in anger. "Shut up fatass! We're not profiting off of their suffering!" Kyle argued, and Cartman scoffed. "Stop being such a buzzkill! A jewish buzzkill!" Cartman shouted, Kyle rolling his eyes in response. "Guys! Do you think maybe the fart and the lightening is connected? Doesn't New Kid's farts have time bending powers?" Stan asked. Oh shit he's right. What the hell was even in that burrito? I should've probably asked. 

"Are you trying to say that the New Kid's fart was so powerful that the powers we made up became real?" Craig butt in. "Yeah dude! Well, I mean, maybe. It's the only thing that makes sense." Stan said. "So what you're saying is that all of us have real powers?" Craig asked, his voice more annoyed than usual. "Well, maybe. Well what do you think is the reason why Tweek can now suddenly shoot lightening from his body?!" Stan asked, gritting his teeth, but not hard. Everyone was on edge, and it was kinda my fault. Or Morgan Freeman's fault, let's blame Morgan Freeman. 

"W-Well maybe it's because of all the coffee he drinks, or something like that." Butters finally spoke up, fidgeting with his knuckles. It was the first thing he's said since this whole ordeal started. Then again, if he did interject then there's a high chance he'd probably get shit on. "Butters that doesn't make any sense at all!" Craig snapped, his emotions finally showing. "Well maybe, I-I mean the New Kid can fart out a guinea pig s-so nothing really makes sense at all!" Butters tried to defend himself, but obviously the more he said the more pissed Craig got. 

Craig started to close distance between himself and Butters, getting within touching-or shoving- range of Butters. "The new kid takes medicine that makes his farts like that, and last I checked coffee doesn't cause electricity ya dumb ass!" Craig spat. "Craig calm down." Tweek said, moving to rest his hand on Craig's shoulder. "Hey guys...!" Clyde shouted out, catching all of our attention. Though...something was off about him. Oh yeah, he was covered in mosquitoes. 

"Clyde! Get those mosquitoes off!" Token shouted, everyone rushed over to him. "Dude, are they sucking your blood?!" Stan asked, trying to swipe away the mosquitoes. "No no, guys, they're not trying to suck my blood. They're just sitting on me, while ya'll were arguing we left the window open and one by one mosquitoes kept flying in and landing on me." Clyde said, his mosquito friends landing on Stan as he tried swatting them off of Clyde. 

What the fuck is going on. You know the more I think about it, even though it hurts my head, maybe I should put this on Coonstagram. "Ah! Jesus Christ they're all over me! I can feel them all over me! Get them off!" Stan shrieked, trying to shoo off the mosquitoes that clung to his skin like velcro. "Dude, get away from Clyde!" Kyle shouted, and Stan followed Kyle's demand rather quickly. He quickly ran to the other side of the room and Kyle followed him, trying his best to swat off the mosquitoes that clung to Stan. 

"Oh my God, you're covered in bug bites!" Kyle shouted, and he wasn't wrong. Once all the mosquitoes moved by to Clyde's side, Stan was left looking like he had hives or something. However, they were all mosquito bites. "I'll go get some bug cream from my bathroom, hang tight! Clyde...just...fuck I don't know. Stay away from everyone! Stan, come with me to get the bug cream." Token shouted, waddling over to the staircase to get said bug cream as Stan followed behind. Clyde didn't really look scared or in pain by the mound of mosquitoes that were latched onto him; if anything they looked like they were protecting him. 

"Oh hamburgers! If dad finds out I have superpowers I'll be grounded!" Butters whined, fidgeting with his hands. "You won't be grounded, you don't have superpowers, everything is fine." Kyle tried to reassure Butters, but it really felt like he was reassuring himself. "Shouldn't w-w-we try out and see if we h-have these special p-p-p-powers for real?" Jimmy asked. "No, because they're not real! It's all just a weird coincidence." Kyle said, his voice panicked. 

"Kyle, Clyde is a mosquito barrier and Tweek shot lightening from his body. There's no fucking way this is real, and we need to fix this." Kenny said, he sounded kinda angry, or scared, I can't tell. "Why do we need to fix it? We have superpowers Kenny, and superpowers are awesome. Well, once we learn how to control them." Cartman said, you know the more I think about it he's more money hungry than a stereotypical Jew. It's kinda like a homophobe who's only homophobic because they can't accept they're a homosexual themselves. If anything, it's pretty ironic. 

"Cartman, superpowers aren't a blessing! They're a curse! Do you really want Clyde to be covered in mosquitoes forever?! Or whenever Tweek freaks out, lightening shoots out?! That's not fun or exciting, that's awful!" Kenny shouted, now he was really angry. He was kind of getting overly worked up, and I don't know why. 

"Well, what are we going to do about them then?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason why Clyde is covered in mosquitoes is because I was listening to a song about bugs while writing this thing. Plus his final is him calling upon a swarm of mosquitoes so.


	3. Hindsight or Burritos?

~~~~"Well what are we gonna do about them?" Craig had asked, he looked a little calmer but he still kinda wanted to punch something. It was kinda obvious, his tone was sharp and the end of his sentence. "Guys...? The mosquitoes haven't bit me once. They're kinda glued to me." Clyde said, his voice shaking. "Hey, Clyde, lemme ask you something. Your 'special' is to summon a shit ton of mosquitoes right?" Kenny asked, making sure to keep a good ten feet away from Clyde.

"Yeah, so?" Clyde asked. "Well, do you think maybe you can get them to do things for you? Like attack people and stuff?" Kenny asked, oh my God Kenny no. That's such a stupid idea oh my God Kenny no. "What do you think, Butthole?" Kenny asked, turning to me. That is such a stupid idea, that is such an awful idea that I don't even want to answer. Does he not realize how many diseases those mosquitoes probably carry? Not only that, but look what happened to Stan! I wouldn't wish that amount of annoyance on anyone. 

"Maybe Butthole's right Kenny. I don't think this is really safe, or a good idea. We shouldn't be using these powers, and we shouldn't think about using them either. We need to find a way to fix this." Kyle said, at least someone agrees with me. Then again, I think I made my point pret-ty clear. "Maybe, but we can use our powers for good. We could use these to really protect people, save people's lives. It's probably going to take a lot of work to reverse what's been done here. First we have to find out what caused them, and then how to reverse them if there's even a way to do so. What's the point, why don't we just try to help people?" Kenny asked, his eyes pleading with Kyle. 

"Guys, this shit fucking sucks!" There was a loud shout from the top of the stairs, Stan's voice. There was a slow succession of trotting from the steps, and slowly Stan came into view while he went down the steps. His body was covered in a white cream that coated over the red bug bites. "Haha, is it  _sticky_?" Cartman asked, snickering. "Oh shut it, fatass!" Stan scowled, making his way to the bottom of the stairs cautiously. 

"Hey Clyde, can I put the bug medicine back up or are your mosquitoes still around?!" Token asked from the ajar door at the top of the stairs. "Uh...I don't really know! They're still here but they're starting to leave!" Clyde shouted back, and there was silence for a moment. "I'll just bring it down with me." Token said as he quickly made his way down the steps. "Hey at least he wasn't something like B-B-Bee man." Jimmy commented. 

"That doesn't mean this doesn't itch like crazy!" Stan grumbled, uncomfortable in his own skin. "Stan, maybe you should move away from Clyde." Token said, and Stan quickly moved over to Kyle's side. "Kenny look at Stan. How could this-" Kyle pointed to Stan, "Help people?" Kyle asked, and Kenny sighed. "Kyle, there's a lot of things we didn't know or thing would help people. Like, toilets for example. People thought shitting and pissing on the ground was just fine but now would you want to shit and piss on a toilet? No. Maybe we don't realize this is what the people need. Not someone who can just let people know what they could've done to prevent what's happened, someone who can actually help." Kenny spoke. Since when did Kenny get so long winded? Whenever he talks about superpowers and shit he gets like this.

"Guys, look at the window!" Clyde shouted, and everyone looked at him instead of the window. Mosquitoes were very quickly leaving his body, and with a turn to the window, that's where they were headed. "T-They're leaving?! Why?" Tweek asked, he still looked pretty shaken up by it all but then again when does he not look like he's just finished having a mental break down? "I don't know, but I kinda agree with Kyle. I really don't want mosquitoes to randomly cling to my body and I don't see how a mosquito body suit can help people." Clyde said, and mostly all of the mosquitoes were gone by this point. 

"I kinda agree with Kenny on this one. I mean sure some of our powers kinda suck but some of them are really cool." Craig said, he looked pretty calm by now. When is he ever not calm or angry? Now that I think about it, he's either always pissed or calm and there's no in between. I don't know how he ever got a boyfriend like that but hey it's not like I would know. "Craig, are you serious?! I could've killed you and I don't even know how I did it!" Tweek argued, uh-oh. "Well we can find out. Maybe we can go see Captain Hindsight and do some random shit to make our powers work. Then he can tell us what we could've done to prevent our powers from happening. After we would know how to prevent it then we could take that knowledge and do the opposite so that we can make it happen again." Craig suggested.

Well, at least his plan isn't stupid. Still though, these powers aren't something we should even have. The ability to fart through time is difficult enough to deal with, much less having all these other powers assigned to me through balancing like four different classes. "As much as I hate working with the enemy, Craig might be on to something. Let's give Captian Hindsight a call." Cartman said. "No! Did you see what happeend to me?! There's no way, no way in hell, we're keeping that!" Stan shouted, and Cartman rolled his eyes in response. "Come on Stan, just because you're covered in bug bites doesn't mean you should spoil this for us." Cartman said. 

"No I think Stan is right! What just happened could've killed Craig! And I didn't even mean to! So much stuff could go wrong, and having real powers is way too much pressure! I don't want to put ourselves at others at risk, so maybe we should try and fix this. All this shit started when the New Kid farted on all of us after eating Morgan Freeman's burrito right? Well why don't we go to Morgan Freeman and ask what's in that burrito he gave to the New Kid so we can try and find a farting cure or something!" Tweek suggested, his body shaking violently. Seriously what did his parents do to him? 

"Tweek, if we learn to control it then we don't need to worry about slipping up, so why would we need a cure?" Craig asked, frustration clear. "Because what if it's something that's uncontrollable? What if Captian Hindsight can't find anything that can prevent it because it just randomly happens?!" Tweek shouted, and Craig huffed. "Tweek, just because we'd find out what's inside the burrito doesn't mean we'd know what we could use to cure it. It's better to try and get a grip on it." Craig debated. "Guys, why don't we ask the New Kid?" Scott interjected. Wow, he hasn't said anything this entire time. To be honest I thought he left. 

"That's a good idea, New Kid, what do you think?" Token asked. Personally, I gotta agree with Tweek on this one. We already went through so much shit when we didn't have any real super powers, imagine if we had real super powers? Besides, some of them are pretty damn dangerous and kinda weird too. A middle finger that can shield you? Summoning Mexicans to fight for you in battle? It's just too dangerously risky, and I'm pretty sure they can tell exactly what I'm saying. 

"Everyone, settle. Let's go and see Morgan Freeman to get some insight on the ingredients inside the burrito. He said he never knew what the effects were when eating that burrito, but that doesn't mean he can't figure out what causes it once he has both pieces of the puzzle." Timmy said, and everyone did settle. Okay seriously I don't think this is of free will anymore. "And if Morgan Freeman can't do anything?" Kenny asked. 

"Then we go see Captian Hindsight."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who do you guys agree with? Let me know!


	4. Hindsight on Hindsight

Walking down the streets of the not-so-friendly town of South Park is always an experience. I always end up running into someone who hates me, the sixth graders, the police, Butter's old minions. As all of us banded together, moving down the three inch high snowy streets as fast as we could. Encountering anyone on these streets is fine and all, but now people want to kill us. Because they want to kill us, we obviously kinda wanna kill them. Not as much as they want to kill us though, we're superheros for a reason.

However, now they want to kill us but can't. We kinda wanna kill them but we can. Every time one of them came to us,' it always ended up being a verbal battle between Cartman and everyone else. "They're villains, we can finally take them out now!" Cartman would say. "We don't want to kill anybody!" Kenny would defend. Clyde always mutter something like "I don't need more blood on my penis." or something along those lines. I don't know why he has blood on his penis but he should probably see a doctor about that.

As the two would argue down the street, one of two things would happen. The 'villains' would either just get up and walk away or give us a look that says more 'mental institution' than 'prison' so I really don't want to know what would happen if they caught us. Eventually we'd end up just walking away from them, and the same process would repeat after about five steps. It's almost like walking in the grass in Chinpokomon, every five steps you get a 'surprise attack'! Not only that but we did get some rude remarks and glares directed at us from adults walking down the street about how we dressed, but that's normal.

Eventually we ended up making it to Freeman's Tacos in all its glory. "Well guys, let's head on in." Kyle said, making his way to the door. "Wait, are we sure we really want to do this? He might know how to reverse this and then we'd lose this awesome opportunity." Scott said, a little difficult to understand since his tongue is stuck out. "Yes, we're sure. Right guys?" Kyle said, turning to look at all of us. He looked pretty annoyed at all of us. "Well, m-m-maybe Scott's right. We can go i-i-in there are see how to f-fix it but don't have to do it q-qu...q-q-qui....qui-ic...quickly." Jimmy inputted.

"So what would we do then? We'd know how to fix it and what, just not do it? Why prolong the problem?" Stan asked, crossing his arms. Kyle glanced over at him, smiling a small smile in Stan's direction. Stan returned the smile, it was a little cute. "Tell you what, Morgan Freeman doesn't know what the burrito would do, so I'm sure he wouldn't know how to reverse the effects. He'll probably try and look for the solution for us, and while he's looking we can go to Captain Hindsight and get some hindsight on how to use or prevent the powers. Does that sound like a plan?" Kenny asked, and everyone looked at each other to nod in agreement.

"Aw jeez, I'm not sure if this is a good idea guys. What if we slip up while being confronted by my minions or the sixth graders? What if I accidentally hurt Lexus? I know she still misses me and I don't want to hurt my first love." Butters said, fidgeting with his hands. "Butters, don't worry, nothing is going to happen." Kenny said, giving Butters a reassuring smile. "Okay guys seriously are we going in or what? It's fucking cold out here." Cartman said, breaking a somewhat tender moment. Kyle nodded, opening the front door of Freeman's Tacos.

"Oh, it's you boys. How did the burrito go?" Morgan Freeman asked, his voice as calm and collected as normal. The smell of all these powerful burrito combinations are giving my asshole PTSD flashbacks, not like it felt any better than it does when I farted anyway. "Bad. The New Kid farted on us and now we all have superpowers, real superpowers!" Kyle said. Morgan Freeman didn't look surprised, no, he looked like he was thinking of something. "I see." Morgan Freeman said. "Well, what was in the burrito you gave to the New Kid?" Token asked.

"Well...I didn't tell you because I knew you wouldn't eat it. You see..." Morgan Freeman said, opening the little door that separates him from the other side of his shop. He stepped out of his side of the counter and moved toward us. "I wanted to run a sort of experiment. When the New Kid here ate the Chocolate Memberito, a past self of him was remembered and came to fight with him in battle. Ever since that, I had been fascinated with the effects of the burritos and the New Kid. After the New Kid defeated me, I knew his farts were capable of things unknown to even me so I wanted to try something with him I knew I could never handle." Morgan Freeman rambled.

Okay I need to sit down a minute, the pain in my ass is starting to get unbearable. I moved over to a nearby chair and pulled it out so I could sit down. "But what's inside the burrito?" Kenny asked, annoyed. "That burrito, I liked to call the Cheesy Burrito. Inside that burrito was a cheesing vile I found near the police station. The effects of cheesing causes you to hallucinate about fantastical journeys in the land of large boobs, but what would happen if you combined that power with a burrito to make a fantastical fart? That's what I wanted to know, and I knew I could never handle that. If the Buttlord could go back and forward in time to stop Mitch Conner from being president, then what can't his farts do?" Morgan Freeman finished his long winded speech.

Are you kidding me?! He put a cheesing vile inside a burrito, and I ate it?! I ate cat piss! That's disgusting! And he did it without telling me, is he crazy?! I need a minute, oh my God my head is killing me. I can't tell what's making it hurt though, Morgan Freeman's speech or just the pain I'm in after farting like that. "You're telling us that the New Kid cheesed out so hard that it gave us powers? How does that make sense? Aren't you supposed to sniff it?" Kyle asked, he looked even more pissed than I feel. That kid really needs to control his anger or else he's gonna end up blowing up Canada or something.

"Well you see, my idea is that before he ate it the smell of the burrito and cat piss was so strong he unconsciously smelled it. Just like how you all can smell powerful burritos here as you enter my shop, or how you can smell cigarette smoke off of a smoker's clothes. So while he was eating the burrito, he was already cheesing out which might cause some slight headaches." Morgan Freeman said, and everyone looked over at Kenny. "Trust me, I can vogue for that." Kenny sighed. I guess Kenny's cheesed before, then again I'm kinda not surprised. Nothing against him or anything but I've met his family and...well yeah.

"With him already being cheesed, he may or may not have already started seeing visions. Since he ate it and farted it out, his brain was probably convinced or starting to become convinced he was in another world, a fantasy world. All of you have fantasized about having powers, and I assume that since you all were in your superhero personas, the New Kid's fart ended up breaking fantasy and reality." Morgan Freeman explained. Is that even possible? Is-wow. I don't remember some boob place though, maybe I ended up farting the effects away? Is that even possible? That's a bad question, I didn't think any of this was impossible but I guess I was wrong.

"Well how can we fix this?" Tweek asked. "That, I don't know. Maybe it'll go away with time, but I don't really know. If it's not gone in the next...eight hours max then we most likely have a problem on our hands." Morgan Freeman explained. "What?! So we just have to sit around here and wait for your 'timeframe' to finish up?! So what do we do now? We don't know how to control this, do you want us to chain each other up until eight hours pass?! Are you fucking-" Kyle screamed at the top of his lungs, preaching out a high pitched-boyish voice. However he was cut off.

His body started to radiate a light blue color the angrier his shouting got, and I'm not sure he noticed it at all. As soon as his body started to glow blue, Morgan Freeman ducked down, out of sight. Suddenly, that same color blue shot a powerful laser from Kyle's eyes, making two eye shaped holes in the wall. Holy shit...we just destroyed Freeman's Tacos. Well, he did anyway. Guess he's getting the repair bill. I probably should check to see if they're okay, even though my ass disagrees with that. Nonetheless I got out from my chair, moving over to Kyle's side.

When looking at Kyle's face, he was nothing short of mortified by what he had done. His eyes were wide and red, like he had been stoned for quite some time. His mouth was wide open, he looked like he had just witnessed murder. "Oh my God...oh my God!" Stan shouted, when looking over at him he had the same shocked expression as Kyle did. Not everyone did though, some looked a bit more mortified than others. Cartman didn't really give a shit which is normal, he was smiling actually.

Stan moved over to Kyle's side, grabbing his shoulder. "Dude, are you alright?" Stan asked, squeezing Kyle's shoulder gently. "Oh yeah I'm fine I just blaSTED A HOLE INTO FREEMAN'S TACOS WITH MY EYES!" Kyle squeaked, I mean screamed. Same thing though, honestly. When's puberty gonna hit again, I'm waiting for voice cracks to be a thing rather than just pubescent screams. Morgan Freeman stood slowly, cautiously. "I have never seen people taking physical effects from the farts before...I didn't believe it to be true. But you made two holes in my shop from your eyes. I don't think something that powerful will wear off, and I surely don't even want to know what the New Kid over here is suffering with." Morgan Freeman said, as calm and composed as ever.

Oh yeah Morgan Freeman everything is completely fine Kyle just shot lasers from his eyes and my ass feels like I just got fisted as my first time doing anal. "What are we supposed to do now, Mr. Freeman?" Butters asked worriedly. "Try to find ways to take control of your powers, I'll work on trying to make a cure. But whatever you do, do not let the police know about this. The New Kid is the farting vigilante, to the police that's not too much of a big deal and that's why they haven't taken you yet. But if they get wind you can give people superpowers, well, you don't want to know what they'd do to you then." Morgan Freeman said.

Oh God, oh God! The government is gonna fucking take me alive and I'm gonna be used as their human powerhouse! My ass can't take that! "Don't worry, we won't let that happen to the New Kid." Kenny said, stepping up and putting a hand on my shoulder. Oh thank God they're not gonna throw me under the bus like they do to Butters, oh God. "Well good. However for now I suggest you boys go home and get some sleep, figure out your next move. I'll tell Randy, Stan's father, to tell everyone on coonstagram to leave you boys alone for now. He's a pretty big thing around this town." Morgan Freeman said.

"Oh God seriously? My dad? We're gonna get made fun of at school!" Stan shouted. "Would you rather get made fun of in middle school or raped in jail when getting your fallen bar of soap?!" Kyle shouted at him, a hint of fear still in his tone of voice. "Why would we go to jail?!" Stan shouted back. "For murder!" Kyle squeaked, and I'm not correcting that one. "Both of you calm the fuck down! Look, let's go home and we'll talk on the group chat about what we're doing next. We can go see Captain Hindsight tomorrow, it's a Monday but we can just go there right after school." Kenny said, being the voice of reason.

"Hadn't you boys heard? Captain Hindsight reverted back to a news reporter a while back."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The reason why I kept saying Kyle squeaked is because when cartman sings Kyle's mom's a Bitch Kyle squeaks "ShuT yOUr fUcKInG mOUtH CarTmAN" and I refuse to let it go


	5. Disabled Butthole

"Hadn't you boys heard? Captain Hindsight reverted back to a news reporter a while back." Morgan Freeman said. Oh no, when looking around at everyone some of them looked terrified and others looked pissed off. I can't tell if the scared ones are scared of the pissed off ones or scared of what's about to happen now. Personally, I can't even tell if I'm scared or angry, my ass hurts too much to care. 

"What?" Stan asked, his face turning a bright red. "You're telling me we have NO way to control this?! We need him to know in hindsight how to control this, and now we just have to do this on our own?! Are you serious?!" Stan shouted, trying his best to get into Morgan Freeman's face but getting about to his knees. I keep forgetting how short we are. "Are you serious?! We could kill someone and go to jail, so what are we supposed to do now?! Just let it happen?! Huh?! What-" "Stan calm down!" 

Stan was cut off from his screaming fest by Kyle who grabbed his arm and yanked him away from Morgan Freeman. "You need to calm down! There's nothing we can do now so just calm down!" Kyle tried his best to be comforting, but it was clear he was angry as well with the whole thing. "Don't yell at me!" Stan shouted, snapping at Kyle. Kyle's face contorted to an even angrier scowl, and it was pretty intimidating. "Don't yell at me then! You're the one who lost their shit and started screaming at the guy who's trying to help us!" Kyle shouted, actually getting in Stan's face. 

"Well at least I know how to help people when their scared of murdering someone!" Stan shouted. Oh, oh okay. Now they're fighting. Wish they sold popcorn here. "Well maybe you forget I'm pretty scared too, Stan! Don't you this maybe-" "Boys, calm down." Morgan Freeman interrupted, still as strangely calm as ever. The two ended up looking up at Morgan Freeman, still looking pretty pissed. "You never let me finish. He didn't completely lose his powers, before he went to Captain Hindsight he was a news reporter who always knew how they could've prevented the mistakes made. His powers only got better after he became Captain Hindsight, he didn't obtain his powers as Captain Hindsight." Morgan Freeman explained. 

"So we can still get some control on these powers?" Butters asked. "It may not be as accurate but it is better than nothing." Morgan Freeman said, I assume he was trying to calm us down. "Thank Morgan Freeman, you've been a big help to us. Let us know if you find a cure or something." Kenny said, and Morgan Freeman nodded in acknowledgement. "Come on, if we hurry we can still make it to Hindsight." Craig said, making his way to the door. Oh God no, my ass can't take it. 

 "No way dude! If we're out past bedtime my mom is gonna kill me!" Kyle said, actually visibly scared instead of angry this time. Oh God, Kyle's kinda right on this one. I almost feel bad for him since his mom is the bitch that ended up almost killing me for beating up her nephew. Every time I think of her I'm kinda afraid for my safety. ...Did I just shudder? Kyle's right, my dad would be awfully sore if I don't get home soon." Butters said, doing whatever the hell he's doing with his hands.

"So? The New Kid could just unground us, right New Kid?" Cartman asked, looking at me with sickeningly sweet eyes. Ever since I broke out of Butter's room with his hamster I've kinda been known by the parents as the kid who can't be grounded; all of the parents fear me if anything. It's kinda funny how they just kinda go along with me ungrounding their kids, and even fearing me for it. Seriously what the hell is South Park?

Craig had opened the door, and we all started to walk out of Freeman's Tacos and into the snowy streets. The cold air hit me, sending a second shiver down my spine. Jesus I keep forgetting how cold it is down here, I need to make my costume a bit better for the cold. "Come on guys, we need to go now before the streets get dangerous!" Kenny said, motioning us to follow him. Oh God my ass is killing me, I should've stayed in Freeman's Tacos where it's warm and I can sit.

"Hey, New Kid, you alright? You don't look so good." Clyde said, raising his, what, fake stinger? Fake sucker? Fake...nose? I don't know, whatever it is, he took it off. "Hey B-Buttlord, what's w-w-wrong with you?" Jimmy asked, moving over toward me as well. Soon everyone was crowding me, oh God this shit's making me nervous. The pain in my ass is just getting worse and worse, I need to sit back down. "I told you we should've taken him to a hospital!" Cartman shouted, turning to Kyle. "You never wanted to take him to the hospital, fatass!" Kyle shouted back. 

"Calm down! The New Kid is in a bad state, and we're all close to our set bed time. It's best we all go home, now. Can someone help bring the New Kid home?" Timmy asked us through his mind, that still makes me uncomfortable. I mean I can walk on my own, probably. I'm sure I'll be fine. Probably. "Well I live right next door to him! But if I'm late it'd probably be New Kid's fault, so I can't bring him." Butters said. Jeez Butters, way to throw me under the damn bus. "Damn it, you guys are such assholes. I'll bring him home." Kenny said, moving over to my side.

"Your parents won't mind? You live pretty far from all of us." Kyle asked. "They're too high to care, come on Butthole." Kenny said, grabbing my arm and wrapping it around his shoulders. I can't tell if he's being nice or being forced to be nice, either way I owe him one way or another. Maybe that's why he's doing it, so I'll do something for him. No one in this town is just nice, and if they are they'll get their ass kicked for it. Why do I wanna stay here with these assholes again? 

I couldn't help but lean into Kenny, it was nice not having to hold all my weight and not having all my weight being pressed onto my ass. I can't tell what's better anymore, sitting or standing. Though the best is being carried by anyone, so right now I'm living the lap of luxury. "Alright, well, we'll talk about this tonight in the group chat." Stan said, and Cartman groaned. "Dude the one without Wendy right?" Cartman asked, and Stan rolled his eyes. "Dude just because she's a girl doesn't mean we can't include her." Stan said, crossing his arms. His crush is showing. 

"She wasn't even here for all this, why should we tell her? We should keep this a secret, right Kyle?" Cartman asked, looking over at Kyle. "Shut it, you just want to keep it a secret from her just because she's a girl. We can tell in the group chat and Cartman can just suck it up." Kyle said, and this time Cartman rolled his eyes. Stan looked over and Kyle and gave him a smile, to which Kyle smiled back. Wait now I'm confused who's crushing on who I thought we were supposed to make this shit obvious. 

"Can we hurry it up a little bit? The New Kid is heavy." Kenny said, trying to prop me up a bit. "Right, well everyone, let's go home. We'll talk this evening when everyone goes to bed. Until then, friends." Timmy communicated to us. Some of us waved, others didn't. Either way we all went our separate ways, expect for Jimmy. "Hey g-g-guys, before you leave, would y-you like to try the real f-f-f-fastpass since you need to get home f-fast?" Jimmy asked. "Do we have to walk to your fast pass station?" Kenny asked, propping me up again. I kinda feel bad for him having to hold me up like this.

"Since y-you have an in-in-injured man with you, I'll let it s-slide." Jimmy said, grabbing my arm. Oh God, when we pretended this happened, I ended up getting 'motion sick' because I was so sick of waiting. Jimmy always ended up giving me pretty helpful tips and such and useless information while I waited to get to wherever I needed to go. But now I'm in severe amounts of anal pain and this is actually happening for real, and I'm kinda scared. "Ready?" Jimmy asked, but didn't let either of us answer. Fuck it, I don't care if this is gay. I turned to face Kenny, moving my free hand around his waist so one arm was around his shoulders and the other was, well, around his waist.

I looked around for a second, oh my God wait are we already here? We're at my house! Holy shit! I know he moves at the "speed of light" but holy shit. That wasn't bad at all! "Dude, what are you doing?" Kenny asked me. Oh wait, oh God. I tried my best to push myself off of Kenny, but it didn't really work out since my body is kinda collapsing on itself. "Jesus Butthole get it together." Kenny said, trying his best to help me up on my feet as he slid my arm off of him. My knees felt really weak when standing on my own, and I really just want to sit down. 

"Oh s-shit! That worked! I-It really worked! All I did was th-think about u-useless facts a-about the t-t-town and it w-worked." Jimmy said, smiling. "Why useless facts? Why were you thinking about useless facts?" Kenny asked, moving his shoulder that held me up to make it feel better. I need to lean against something, I feel like shit. "Because I t-t-tell him useless f-f-facts while using the fa-fa-fastpass." Jimmy said, and Kenny's eyes widened a bit. "Holy shit, you're a genius Jimmy! I just got an idea, I need to get to the group chat now. Go home, I'll  explain everything later alright?" Kenny said, and Jimmy looked at me. He shrugged, then started to waddle away before making it a speed-of-light dash. Kenny turned to me and waved before quickly dashing off as well.

Man this town is weird. 


	6. Stalker Alert

Man this town is weird. I turned, hobbling up my front door steps. Jesus now I know how Timmy feels with these damn things. I read on his Coonstagram that his kyrptonite was stairs, I don't know what exactly happens when you encounter your kyrptonite since I've never had that experience thankfully. However this feels close enough to encountering it while I'm disabled. 

I jiggled my front door knob, and of course it's locked. I honestly wouldn't be surprised if they ended up locking all six of our front door locks- wait- no- those aren't in the house. I keep forgetting that ever since I was farted back in time my parents don't actually want to keep me locked up in my home forever in fear of getting taken by the government. So then why is the door locked? I knocked on the door, leaning my hand against the wall next to the door so I can keep myself up. 

There was shuffling inside the house, before a click happened and the door opened slowly. "Sweetheart! Where have you been? It's almost time for dinner! You know you need to take your medicine before you sleep." My mom said, looking relatively worried. I don't really have time though to sit at the table and eat dinner with them, ever since I went back in time they now want to spend three hours at the dinner table talking. 

Screw it, I don't have time to deal with them right. I moved past my mom through the door, squeezing through as best as I could. Oh God my ass hurts, and I just want to lay down. "Sweetie, you alright?" My mom asked. No mom, no I'm not. My ass is on fire and honestly with the way things are going I'm not sure if it's literally on fire or not. "Sweetie, hey, come here." My mom said, trying grab my arm.

She held me up, wrapping her arm around my waist. "What happened to you? Can you walk?" My mom asked, looking at me concerned. Does it look like I can walk? If I could walk I wouldn't need to be held! "Sweetie you have to talk to me, let me know what you're feeling. Where are you hurting?" She asked me. Oh God, I can't just tell her 'hey my ass is killing me because I farted so hard I gave my friends super powers' that's stupid! And kinda embarrassing. 

"Well if you don't want to tell me then fine, but let me bring you upstairs so you can rest. You can eat your dinner up there, you know how important it is to eat dinner." She said, dragging my body up the stairs. Is this what being old feels like? Being dragged around, limp, dying and in pain. Is this what it's like to be on the brink of death? An annoyance to everyone as you get taken cared for? Is this what aging feels like? Is this what dying feels like? 

...Oh hey I'm at my bedroom door. My mom opened the door for me, pulling me by my waist to get me inside. "I'll give you medicine in the morning if you need it. If you're like this tomorrow then I want you to stay home from school. You need to tell me though what happened or else I can't help you, I don't want to see you like this sweetie. I'll bring up your dinner in a few minutes." She said, moving me to my bed so I could lay down. I guess I could change out of these clothes later, but it does feel nice to just lay in my cozy bed without a care in the world. Even though I probably should care. 

She left, closing the door behind her. I could hear her soft footsteps, making the stairs creak with every step. I can't help but just laugh at all of this, I mean seriously? We all just kinda got super powers because I farted on people, how does that make any sense at all? Cheesing viles? I still can't believe I ate a burrito covered in cat piss, and I didn't even realize it. I didn't feel the effects of this 'boob place' though, and I don't feel high or anything. But damn does my head hurt, and so does my ass. 

kMy door opened slowly, and my dad popped his head in. "Hey sport, mom told me you weren't feeling well so I brought dinner up for you." He said, opening the door all the way with his foot since his hands had my food and water in them. He walked over toward me, and I outstretched my hands to grab both the plate and the glass. "Now don't spill anything on your sheets, okay? Your mom just washed those." He said, smiling at me. Then why didn't he just get me a damn food tray? "Oh, here, forgot about these." He said, pulling a knife and fork that was poking out of his side pocket and handed it to me. Least I'm not eating with my bare hands. 

"Make sure to eat it all, okay? You need to get all of your medicine. Let mom and I know if you need anything, alright champ?" Dad said before leaving my room and closing the door. His kindness is still freaky to me. I'm really not in the mood to eat though, especially not after today. Oh God, I'm probably gonna have deadly diarrhea. Definitely don't want to eat right now. Oh, I should probably check to see if the group chat has said anything. I pulled my phone from my pants pocket and my phone was lit up like a Christmas tree. 

Wendy- Hey guys! Sorry I couldn't come to the meeting today, I just didn't want to see the New Kid fart. 

Cartman- Well you missed it because the New Kid gave us super powers. 

Wendy- Shut up Cartman, what new power did the New Kid actually get?

Stan- Wendy he's serious. 

Wendy- Okay guys this isn't funny 

Tweek- I shot lightening out of my body dude! ;-; 

Kyle- We're not lying, it really happened 

Wendy- There's no way

Cartman- this is why we don't have fucking girls in our fucking franchise 

Stan- shut up Cartman 

Kenny- I brought New Kid home, got an idea 

Craig- what's the idea 

Kenny- Jimmy said he could run fast by thinking of things

Jimmy- thinking of useless thots actually 

Clyde- *thoughts 

Kenny- when Jimmy thinks of useless stuff, he runs fast. He can control his powers

Scott- I thought we already knew that 

Clyde- not really, idk why mosquitoes stuck to me 

Kenny- but u can control it, it's not random. 

Scott- I thought we already knew that tho 

Clyde- *though

Clyde- *you 

Token- Clyde pls stop

Clyde- lol k 

Kenny- Maybe if we think about things that have to do with our powers, we can figure them out on our own

Butters- How'd Jimmy no how to use it?? 

Clyde- *know

Butters- How'd Jimmy know how to use it??

Jimmy- I always think of useless stuff, that's how comedy works.

Jimmy- Right?

Craig- no

Kenny- Jimmy used to always tell the New Kid useless facts while using the fast pass

Kenny- And so he 'ran fast' when using the fast pass

Jimmy- *Fast Pass

Clyde- I wasn't thinking of anything when mosquitoes attached to me 

Kenny- well Idfk nvm then 

Cartman- lame

Wendy- wth is happening here?

Stan- I'll txt u 

Wendy- k

Cartman- girls amirite?

Cartman- especially Wendy 

Cartman- fuckin bitch 

Kyle- she's still in the group chat you know 

Cartman- oh

Tweek- do we know where Captain Hindsight lives? >-<

Kyle- I don't think so 

Craig- how can we get to him then?

Cartman- we can find him online 

Token- thts weird dude

Cartman- then how do you expect to get to him? Huh?

Clyde- we can just get on the news

Clyde- he's a news reporter right

Craig- yeah 

Stan- how do we do tht

Wendy- I can just find him on google maps

Cartman- yes!

Scott- good idea

Kyle- dude thats creepy

Tweek- how can you actually do that? •-•

Wendy- how do you think I saved New Kid's ass from the Raisins' girls

Wendy- my shit's real

Craig- shit

Tweek- Gah! >O<

I'm genuinely sure if we follow through with Wendy's plan we'll end up with his address and on the news for stalking. Well, I guess that's killing two birds with one stone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this page so was long texts are just awFuL


	7. School or Nah?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk where you guys live but I live in the heart of the swampy south and it's snowing here for the first time in about 10 or 9 years I am sO ExCiTEd that has nothing to do with literally anything but like I just wow it's so pretty these Colorado kids are lucky as hell God damn.

I'm genuinely sure if we follow through with Wendy's plan we'll end up with his address and on the news for stalking. Well, I guess that's killing two birds with one stone? But still, am I gonna be able to go? My ass is...not in the best condition right now to say the least. Not only that, but my parents said I might not go to school tomorrow. They're probably gonna plan at school tomorrow to get to Captain Hindsight. Well- is he even Captain Hindsight anymore. He's just...a news reporter. 

I wonder why he gave up his powers anyway? He might've told one of the guys earlier on, before I got here, since they seem so familiar with him. Especially Kenny, he really seems to know 'Captain Hindsight' well. To be honest, I haven't even met him before at all. I wonder if I'll get to, what's even his name anyway? His real name, I mean. He wasn't born with the name 'Captain Hindsight' right? ...How'd he even get his powers again? I mean they are real, right? 

I can't tell if my head hurts from confusion or just...pain in general. Nothing about this makes any sense at all. I mean, medicine that makes me fart, okay, whatever, I'll take it. I guess I've always been pretty gassy but the medicine made it worse, fine. I probably should've drawn the believably line when Morgan Freeman came to me in ghost form to tell me about 'magical burritos'. I don't know which would've been worse, telling someone I saw the ghost of someone was alive or that this 'ghost' gave me magic burritos. 

I mean, my farts brought me into, like, three years in the past and a week into the future. How does that even happen? How is that even possible? Why am I only questioning things until now?! Well, I guess I always have been trying to convince myself that it's all 'make believe' but now I can't because I literally made everyone a super hero. Super villain? Is Butters still a super villain? Kinda, he forced me to walk in on my dad fucking my mom. Dirty bastard, I'll never forgive all three of them for that. 

 I wish I would've just lived for the rest of my life without knowing that my dad fucked my mom, but no. No, Butters was all pissed off that I shoved his hamster up my asshole and shot him into electrical wires and made it explode. It was the only way out of his room! What'd he expect me to do? If I were to be locked up in a room with a guy for days upon days my parents would either think I got kidnapped or ran away with my homosexual lover. 

I sighed, turning my head to look at the sad plate of food next to me. Man, I really don't want to eat this. I wonder what would happen if I didn't? Would I get, like, withdraws or something? Maybe, that'd be kinda funny though. Nonetheless, I can't take that chance...even though I really don't want to eat this shit. It's not that my mom's cooking is bad or anything, I just, I'm in pain. I can't say the cat piss burrito made me nauseated, surprisingly enough, but still the sight of food makes me weak. 

Why can't I just take my medicine in pill form, I will never understand that. Still, I guess I have to bite the bullet. I grabbed the fork that laid beside me and stabbed it into the food laid before me, oh God I feel sick already. If I wasn't nauseated before, I'm starting to feel it now for sure. Or maybe it's just fear, I don't know. Either way, my stomach is disagreeing with me in every sense. Reluctantly, I took a bite. Oh God this is making me sick. 

Okay one bite is enough, this is fine. I put my fork down on the plate, shoving it away from myself. The more i really think about this, I've never actually finished my food ever since I started putting medicine in it. I wonder what would happen if I ate everything...would I just die? Or would the medicine actually work? Honestly who knows anymore. Here's my question though, I'm always running around all day and never eating. So why haven't I lost any weight??? This is an outrage. 

Next to me, my phone lit up and vibrated against my thigh. I grabbed it, seeing that Kyle wanted to facetime so I answered. His face appeared on my screen, he was lying in his bed with his costume off. Oh shit that's right, I gotta change; better turn my camera around. "Dude, hey, I just wanted to check up on you. You okay? You didn't look so good when Kenny brought you home and I was just making sure you got home alright." Kyle said as I slid off my bed, oh God my ass. 

But aw Kyle that's nice of him to check up on me. "Well I mean since you answered I guess your fine." Kyle said, I would answer back but I'm currently trying to take off my ridiculous costume. Wait, I'm so stupid, I can just spin around and my clothes will change. Oh man but that's gonna hurt my head even worse, but I don't feel like taking this...ridiculous costume off. "Hey are you going to school tomorrow?" Kyle asked. Oh God, I don't even know if I'm going to school tomorrow. 

Well, I mean, I'm standing up normally and not toppling over which is a good sign. Not only that but I also plan on spinning for a good ten seconds which will make everything worse. So if I can survive without throwing up or just toppling over in the next fifteen to twenty seconds then I think by the morning I'll be fine. "Right, I forgot, you don't usually answer anyone's questions. Well, I guess I'll find out tomorrow. We're going to be figuring out what we're doing about Captain Hindsight at lunch since Wendy is supposed to be getting his house address tonight. Personally I don't agree with that, it's an invasion of privacy ya'know? I guess it's the only thing we have though, if you're not at school tomorrow then I'll text you the details and we'll postpone the...mission I guess until you come back." Kyle said. 

Oh sweet, okay then I don't have to worry that much if I bust my head open after doing this. "Well I gotta go, it's almost my bedtime. See ya New Kid." Kyle said, hanging up the phone. Okay at least he won't have to hear me pass out, if I do pass out of course. I raised my arms up, okay...one, two, three, and after that countdown I started to spin. Okay think...change clothes to super comfy pajamas...change clothes to super comfy pajamas. Alright so far I haven't felt the need to vomit which is a good sign. 

Okay the clothes are changing, that's really good I just gotta keep spinning. Almost gone now, almost...done! I stopped, my head still spinning as well as my legs. Oh man I don't want to die like this, oh Jesus I don't wanna fall. I stumbled over to my bed, flopping my body onto it to let my head stop spinning. Oh for Christ's sake that was absolutely awful, but I didn't throw up and I didn't get a concussion. 

Guess I'm going to school then. 


	8. Everyone is Fighting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAIT okay this has a spoiler for splatty tomato in this chapter (it's only one spoiler though so it's not that big) so just read with caution

Days at South Park Elementary are always...quite the experience. The students are either gossiping about something stupid or getting their asses kicked, or something like that. Personally, I like to stay quiet in all this shit so nothing bad gets said about me. Seriously these guys are brutal, I hear some of the weirdest rumors about other students. Some of these guys have sex lives and we're, like, ten. 

I heard there was this one girl who gave someone a blow job in the back of T.G.I Fridays, and she's only in fifth grade! If she were to be a sixth grader then I'd kinda understand, I've only encountered boy sixth graders but all I hear from them is 'boobs' and 'bro'. Now that I think about it, now I'm kinda scared to see what a girl talks about in sixth grade. Do they even make it to sixth grade? I've never seen a girl as a sixth grader before. Are they as many assed and mean as the guys? 

Well, the good news is that I did not have explosive diarrhea...yet. Not only that but when I woke up this morning my ass was feeling a lot better, a bit sore but overall a lot better than yesterday. My headache is also gone too, and I can walk on my own again as well. The only thing is that I had to 'convince' my parents to let me go to school. By convince I mean just stare at them with 'the puppy dog eyes' until they give in even though I don't really do anything expect stare at them normally. I guess I'm just that cute, huh? You know, the more that I think about it they probably are really confused as to why I wanted to go to school today. If it were any other day I'd take the day off happily, but no. 

When I got to school, the gang was waiting for me by my locker just chit chatting in little groups. Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Cartman, and Butters were all just chit chatting, Kyle looking like he was ready to kill someone while Stan looked like he was ready to kill himself. Token, Clyde, Craig, and Tweek were all talking and laughing like good friends, expect Craig never let go of Tweek's hand. I guess that's...sweet? I don't know, my hands would start to sweat if it got held for an entire conversation. Lastly, Jimmy, Timmy, and Scott were all talking. Wendy wasn't there though, she was talking with Bebe and Heidi. 

When they saw me, Tweek and Kyle asked me if I should even be here. Stan and Butters were asking if I was feeling any better, and the rest just kinda...ignored me or just told me hey. After our little greetings we all decided that we were going to discuss all of our plans during lunch since it's a lot longer than five minutes before school. And that's where I am now, in the lunch line, getting my shitty school lunch. ...I feel like something's, or someone, is missing from this lunch line but I just can't put my finger on it. 

I took the glop that was splatted onto my plate and walked to the table that had the entire gang there, even Wendy was there. She never sits next to us, I guess this is kinda important though. Once I made it to the table, I slid into the seat next to Clyde and put my tray down. "There you are, did you get our texts?" Token asked, looking up at me. Of course I got the texts, I'm a millennial that has an iPhone, when am I not on my phone? The answer to his question is obvious, so why should I answer? 

 "There's no time for that! Can't we hurry this up, I don't want to be seen sitting with boys." Wendy said, looking around with a slightly panicked expression. "Dude what's so bad about sitting with us?" Stan asked, looking a bit bitter. Isn't he dating Wendy? Was dating Wendy? At some point in time here at South Park Elementary did have a romantic relationship with Wendy? Or are those just more rumors that are spread around the school like wildfire. At this point, I can't tell if they hate or care about each other anymore, kinda reminds me of Kyle and Cartman. Expect Kyle is a good person and Cartman is not. 

"Nothing- I just- let's just hurry this up. I got his address last night, I'll text it to you guys after school and we can go there right away." Wendy said, wait she didn't even bring her lunch with her. Seriously why does she hate sitting with us? Now I'm kinda upset about it. "W-What about our c-c-c-costumes?" Jimmy asked. "Mmmrph mmmrph mmmrph." Kenny mumbled. "He's right, we'll just go home and drop our stuff off, change, and meet up at Cartman's house." Kyle restated for people like me who can't understand him. Seriously how does anyone understand him with that God damn hoodie? 

When looking over at Tweek, who sat right next to Craig, he seemed to be seriously on edge. Well, more on edge than usual. From the time I've spent with him, he doesn't usually shake or twitch or anything but he takes the term 'worrywart' to the next level. However I've heard from these guys that he used to be a complete spazz, making weird noises, causing trouble, had a twitch eye and a really bad case of the shakes. I have no idea what changed him, but I don't think I could've been able to stand him without it. Still though, I wonder why he was even like that in the first place. Maybe they put, I don't know, meth in his coffee or something.

But no, when looking at him right now he looks just as he was described to be in the past. He was pulling on the buttons on his shirt as well as his hair. His eye was twitched severely and his body was shaking violently. ...Is he alright? Maybe I should say something. "Dude what's wrong with Tweek?" Stan asked, beating me to the question. Alright then. "He's afraid his thunder will hurt someone in school today." Craig said, keeping his hand placed gently on Tweek's back. I glanced over at Kyle, he looked kinda nervous too. Nowhere near as nervous as Tweek though, seriously is he okay?

"What if  my thunder ends up electrocuting a bunch of people? What if I kill them? Oh God, I don't want to go to jail! I don't want to kill anyone! Oh Jesus!" Tweek panicked, and Craig scooted just a bit closer to him. "It's okay Tweek, you won't hurt anyone." Craig said, it's kinda funny seeing and hearing him comfort someone especially since he sounds so dull whenever he speaks. "Oh my God can we not listen to this couple shit every five fucking seconds? Let's just get back on subject." Cartman snapped at the two. When he did so, it looked like Tweek's back straightened up just a bit. After Tweek straightened up, I assume in fear, Craig scowled while flipping off Cartman. 

"You don't have to be a dick just because Heidi dumped you." Kyle said, smiling just a bit. Man I should've brought popcorn to lunch today because this is quite the show. "Whatever, I don't really even care anyway. She was a clingy bitch anyway." Cartman said, a bit of salt in his tone of voice. Cartman got a girl to date him? Heidi nonetheless? She's one of Wendy's friends, huh? "That's not what you were saying when you put the gun to your head when she left you." Kyle mumbled, barely able to be heard but still smiling slyly. Damn Kyle, brutal. "What'd you say, you fucking Jew?!" Cartman shouted back at Kyle. 

"Guys! I'm getting pretty sick of this fighting, alright?! Well we're all pretty scared and on edge with everything that's been happening but we can't take it out on each other. Cartman, the Heidi thing was your fault no matter what you say so I'm sorry about that. Tweek, we're going to see Mr. Hindsight today after school that will make things better. So everyone please just calm the heck down, okay?" Butters said in a semi assertive tone of voice. 

"He's right, I'm sick of sitting at this table and I've only been here for ten minutes. I'm going back to the girls, I'll see you guys at Cartman's house." Wendy said, sliding off of the seat and heading back to her main table. The table that she left behind, our table, was completely silent. No one wanted to say a word after all of that. We all just kinda shared confused looks with other. "...See look what you guys did, you guys suck. Now she left." Stan said in a pissy tone of voice.

This is why I don't put my two sense in these conversations so I don't get my ass verbally kicked. 


	9. Heavy Tensions

After that lunch fight, not much really happened. The air was pretty awkward and quiet, and it felt like no one wanted to be at that table in any way, shape, or form. We all just kinda silently ate our lunches without really saying a word to each other, some of us looking more annoyed than others. When the recess bell finally rang, we all hustled out like we were trying to run away from a California wildfire. Once we got to the playground though, Stan suggested we play football and we all ended up agreeing to it. 

Once we all started playing football, or rather a really bad version of the game, all that awkward tension was gone. Not only that, but everyone finally looked happy. For the time I've been here there's always been fighting, everyone looked like they either hated each other or themselves. I never really have seen any of them smile unless it was them successfully kicking someone's ass. But it's all different right now.

Everyone was smiling earnestly and working together, sure there were opposing teams but it wasn't that big of a deal. Everyone looked like they were having a good time, everyone looked like normal kids. Not only that, but they even invited me to join! I usually kinda have to force my way through and then prove I'm secretly a bad ass and completely destroy the battle field even though I've gone through this process at least twice already and I'm still apparently a weakling. 

But now, power and and winning doesn't matter and it's pretty refreshing to see all of them actually happy. Expect Wendy, she's not playing with us. But if I look over at the swing sets she's hanging out with Bebe and Heidi, just like at lunch, and she looks happy too. Not only that, but no one is freaking out about the new powers we have. No one is afraid we're going to set them off and kill someone, or something. We're all just...normal. Holy crap wait I just gave a really long speech that was not intended. 

But, of course that moment ended with the school bell ringing and teachers yelling at us to get back to class. After we all ended up back in class, everyone went back to ripping on each other. But I did realize something, I always wanted to know why these guys even hung out with each other if they fucking hated each other but they really don't. I still don't understand why they act like they hate each other, but I guess that's just how South Park works or something. 

After another boring few hours of class, the bell rang and everyone rushed to the halls and to their lockers to quickly get home. Expect me, no I have to meet the group at Cartman's locker so we can get a quick recap of the plans. When I got there, everyone else had already made it to his lockers and were on their phones. Craig looked up at me, still never pleased to see me. "Dude, you took forever. Captain Hindsight's address is on the group chat." Craig said, looking back down at his phone. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, it's literally only been five minutes since the bell rang. What does everyone run everywhere or something? 

"So everyone, just to recap. We're all going home to drop our book bag off and we're gonna meet up at Cartman's house straight away! Don't take your sweet ass time either." Stan recapped for us, but looked directly at me while saying the last part of his sentence. Okay listen here I will fight, I genuinely do not understand how everyone can pull a Jimmy and just break the laws of space and time to speed their way to every destination. ...Just because I can break the laws of space and time with my farts doesn't mean I'm fast. 

"Why do we have to meet up at Cartman's house if we all have the address?" Clyde asked. "Because, we have to travel together like a real superhero team." Cartman answered back. That's really stupid though, and a waste of time. "Why?" Kyle asked.  I can't tell if he's thinking the same thing I'm thinking or if he just wants to fight with Cartman. "What if our powers end up going off randomly while on the streets, Kyle?" Cartman argued back. "Mmrph Mmrph." Kenny said, and Cartman turned his attention to him. 

"Maybe not randomly, but we don't know what causes them, you could be thinking about boobs and then you'll just, I don't know, die!" Cartman defended. Kenny furrowed his brows in the form of a scowl, what just happened? Maybe if I could fucking understand Kenny I'd know what just happened, why doesn't he just take off his hood. It's kinda irritating especially because everyone else understands him but me. So let me add this to the things South Park kids can do and I can't. Can't travel at the speed of light and can't understand Kenny, awesome. 

"Mmrph mmrph mmrph mmrph!" Kenny shouted back, and Cartman rolled his eyes. "Hey I don't know how you'd die, and don't call me a blood belching vagina!" Cartman fought back. Blood belching vagina, that's a new one. "Can we just stop fighting and focus?!" Kyle intervened. Man, he's really the most peaceful kid here and honestly I wouldn't be surprised if he would be the cause of a mass murder. If were to be the cause of a mass murder, he'd be remorseful for it at least. 

"Whatever, Mrs. Broflovski." Cartman said, giggling a bit. Uh-oh, Kyle looks pissed. Let me go to a movie theatre and get my ass some popcorn because this is another show. "Least I can actually make a girl not want to kill herself!" Kyle shouted back. "What did you say?!" Cartman said, the two of them now physically butting heads. Suddenly, Stan put his hand on shoulder. Kyle looked back at him, and his expression softened a bit as he stepped back. "Dude, don't go to his level." Stan said to him, his hand still on Kyle's shoulder. Wow this is really gay. 

"Can we just not fight for once?" Butters mumbled, doing his little fidgety thing with his hands like he usually does. Kenny turned his attention over to Butters, giving him a remorseful expression. "Mmrph mmrph." Kenny said quietly, I assume he was trying to comfort Butters with whatever he was saying even though it's not even understandable. "He's right, we're all just a little on edge here with this whole super power thing! Nngh, it's pretty terrifying but we'll be alright." Tweek said, his eye still twitching a bit but overall keeping a calm voice. Everyone looked pretty stunned with what he said, I guess he's not usually like this? 

When looking over at Craig, he looked the most shocked out of all of them. But not just shocked though, he looked kinda...proud of him. "W-What? Why is everyone looking at me like that?!" Tweek asked, looking pretty confused and scared. "Nothing, we're all just happy you're being optimistic for once." Craig said, his confused expression turning to a happy one. "Craig I-I think you're j-j-j-just speaking for y-y-y-yourself." Jimmy said. Looking at everyone, they all were smiling. Expect Cartman, but Cartman's an ass so he doesn't count. 

"Scott?" Clyde said, and Scott looked over at him. "How do you inject insulin? Because these guys are giving me diabetes." Clyde said, oh my God that was pretty good. Everyone started to snicker, even Scott. Tweek and Craig looked pretty embarrassed, especially Tweek but that's what makes it even funnier. The air felt just a bit happier now, everyone laughing like this together. It's like we all just need to have distractions from the scary shit we're about to face. Unfortunately we can't run from it forever, we have to face it. 

"Is it possible to have type one and two diabetes?" Scott said, adding onto Clyde's joke. With that, everyone started cracking up laughing. Okay that was pretty funny, I can't lie. Even Craig and Tweek were laughing at that one, but Craig wrapped his arm around Tweek while he was laughing. Wow, he never really lets go of Tweek huh? I didn't even really expect him to be a clingy boyfriend but I guess I was wrong. Then again I didn't expect him to even have the ability to like anyone like that but there goes that one. 

"Okay, okay stop! You guys are killing me here!" Wendy spoke up, holding her stomach while laughing. I keep forgetting she's here, she just kinda fades into the male crowd. Once the laughter started to die down, we all started to pull out our phones. "Holy shit! We've been here for twenty minutes! We gotta go or else we're gonna get in trouble for being home too late!" Kyle said in a panic. "Oh jeez I don't want to get grounded!" Butters panicked, seriously what is he doing with his hands? 

"Okay, let's get out of here. I'll see you guys at Cartman's house." Stan said, walking away from the group. "Yeah, see ya guys! Don't be late, New Kid!" Kyle said as the group started to disperse. I swear to God I'm late by five minutes a couple times and now everyone acts like I show up three hours past. Still though, with everyone else I hurried my way back to my house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi I like giving the New Kid unnecessary monologue instead of continuing with the plot and you're watching Disney Channel.


	10. Planning

When I moved to this cozy little Colorado Town, I liked to look at pictures of South Park. I wanted to see what the shops look like, what the people looked like, hell what my new street would look like. The town itself, in photos, didn't really look bad. It was a little rundown, sure, but it looked rather homey so I didn't really mind. The place that caught my attention the most was SodoSopa but that, weirdly enough, was on top of a kid's house. That kid being my new friend Kenny. However, one thing I did notice was that everyone was dressed like they were in Antarctica. 

I never understood why everyone had, like, three coats, mittens, hats, snow pants and so on. The town itself didn't look that cold, a little snow here and there really but nothing looked too bad. But now I'm here, now I'm here in my little flimsy long sleeved shirt in the cold air and I feel like I'm dying. I don't want to be late to Cartman's house because I'm sick of getting ripped on by the guys so I'm running. Since I'm running my lungs are literally screaming from the cold air entering and piercing them. 

Nonetheless, I made it to my house, chest heaving for dramatic effect. Thank God my ass isn't in much pain anymore, or else I would've really been late. Shit where's my house key again? I shuffled around in my pocket to find...my phone. Wrong pocket? I pulled my hand out and shuffled in my other pocket as well and there it is. Pulling the key out, I put it into the lock and turned the lock. The door's gonna open right? There's not five locks that only open from the inside? Pulling the door, it opened. Fuck I keep forgetting that they're not totally crazy about keeping secret anymore. You know, that's something I don't get. Just because they told me what my 'power' was, why does that make them less anal? That's something I'll never understand. Then again I don't understand anything in South Park. 

When walking inside, I noticed that no one was even home. They do know what time it is, right? They're usually home by this time- wait no. Ever since the damn time thing they aren't always home arguing. I don't have time to eat a snack, huh? Of course not, I never have time to do anything since I became friends with those guys. I don't even have time to hang around and watch tv down here, guess I gotta go upstairs. Wait, no need to manually change, I can just do that magic changing thing. Guess, I can just leave my bag by the door then and pick it up later. 

Here we go, one, two, three. I raised my arms out in the air then started to spin and spin, sparkles started to form around my body until my body was almost unseen. After about ten or so seconds, my costume was on. Ah fuck that gives me a headache every time I do that, and now I have to face the cold while my head is spinning. Is my key still in my pockets, or did it disappear with my clothes? Eh, I'll just leave the door unlocked; I don't have time to go look for my key anyway. 

 I turned right back around, leaving through the front door and shutting it behind me. Oh my God it's even colder now what the hell? And I have to run in this? I swear if I'm still late after this I'm gonna be pissed. With that, I started sprinting down my steps and through the thick snow. Oh my God it's like running in quicksand in this damn snow! Cartman and I don't live that far apart, if anything we share next door neighbors. Sprinting past my neighbor's house, I started to feel pretty sluggish. Rather than sluggish, actually, it was more of...pain. Oh no no no, I'm starting to get a migraine again. 

I started to sprint faster, no way in hell am I stopping now. I might be too determined about not being late but damn it I am not getting ripped on anymore. Before I realized it, I was at Cartman's front steps while my chest heaved. I'm not fat, so why do I feel like death after running for like ten seconds? Probably this damn cold air, I swear the temperature will be the death of me. With that, I trotted my way up the steps and welcomed myself inside. Another thing I don't understand about South Park, no one complains when you break in and steal their shit. Not that I'm complaining or anything of course. 

I walked over to the basement door, hearing the sounds of dishes from the kitchen. Must be Cartman's mom, she is the sweetest thing I swear. i just- she kinda scares me ever since she started calling me daddy. And I just shuddered, cool. I turned the basement doorknob, but nothing happened. Why isn't this basement door opening?! Wait, wait, wait, there's a passcode. Turning my attention to the dialpad, I punched in FUCKYOUMOM in the dialpad and it made an unlocking sound in response. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget that. I turned the doorknob again and it opened, and with that I started to make my way down the stairs. 

"Ah, Buttlord, that's a new record." Cartman said, sitting at the head of the table. Damn it damn it damn it! How the hell did everyone even get here so fast?! I trotted down the stairs, walking quickly to my spot across from Cartman. "Now that everyone is here, we can discuss a quick plan about what we're going to say to him." Timmy 'said' to all of us. "What plan do we need to say? We need to ask him for help, what more is there than that?" Craig asked, looking as pissed as ever. The air around us isn't as tense as it's been for a while, I guess that's because we're getting help. 

"What if he tells us no? Don't you remember when he put a gun to my head?" Kenny asked, oh fucking finally I can understand him again. Wait, when did Captain Hindsight do that?! "No, I don't." Craig said. "He wasn't there for that, Kenny. Remember? I saw everything inside that little ol cage Cartman made me stay in." Butters said. When was that?! How long have they been playing superheros without me? "Oh yeah." Kenny said, nodding. "If he tells us no, what does that matter? We could make him, scare him with our new powers." Cartman said, a devious look in his eyes and a just as devious smirk on his face. 

"Cartman, are you fucking insane? We're going to him so we can control our powers, we can't use our new powers to intimidate him! He could get seriously hurt!" Kyle protested, causing Cartman to roll his eyes. "He's right, Cartman. However that is not the point of this meeting. We came here to see how we can approach Captain Hindsight." Timmy 'said', calming the two down. "We did kinda forcefully find his address, he probably won't help us out." Clyde said. "If he knows how desperate our situation is then he might understand, though." Wendy said. "You're not effected by this, Wendy." Cartman said, and this time Wendy rolled her eyes. 

"Just because I didn't get farted on doesn't mean I don't want to help out, not everyone is as selfish as you are Cartman." Wendy shot back, and the room went silent. "What did you just-" "Okay! Everyone can we just calm down?" Cartman started, but was then interrupted by Stan. Surprisingly, Cartman complied, sitting back down. Well, that's either a really good or a really bad sign, and personally I don't think it's the former. "Back to the subject...what are we going to do? Barge into his house and just say 'hey we need you to tell us what to do to not use our powers'? Doesn't that sound kinda stupid?" Stan said. 

"We won't say it like that. I think he'll understand us if we actually explain what happened to us, and he might help us. He hated his powers so much he tried to get rid of them. If he sees us struggling like this, he might feel sorry for us and help us out." Kenny said. "You're acting like you know everything about him." Craig said. "We talked once, when he put a gun to my head. He was drunk and going on a rant so I listened, nothing more to it." Kenny explained. Damn, when the hell was this? How did Kenny not die? 

"Nngh, well, if you know him so well why don't you convince him to help us?" Tweek suggested, looking a bit panicked. "Tweek's right, that's probably our best bet. If Kenny got him to not kill him then I'm sure he can convince him to do this for us." Kyle said, looking kinda hopeful. "Well, if that's that then let's get going. If we don't hurry we might be out till dark and I don't want to get grounded." Butters said. With that, everyone got out of their chairs and headed up the stairs. Even though Cartman's silent, I still am kinda worried for Wendy. He might do something to her because he's, well, Cartman. I mean Wendy can handle herself, I'm sure she'll be fine. I mean, none of us has died yet because of him so I think she's fine. 

"Mom, we're leaving!" Cartman shouted to his as all of us made our way to the front door. "Alright, popsikins! Make sure you're home before dinner!" Ms. Cartman shouted out to Cartman. "Shut up mom!" Cartman shouted back, opening his front door for all of us to dart out of. How the hell does Cartman get away with being so mean to his mom? It's kinda surprising that he can get away with that shit without getting smacked. Then again, somehow this town and it's people always seem to surprise me and never in a good way. 


	11. Identity Crisis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!Hey!! Make sure you watch the the part episodes about the boys being superheroes because, in case it wasn't known yet, Captain Hindsight is from that three parter so yeah. Also if you haven't watched it, just know that there's spoilers in those three parters in this chapter. I think there were comments earlier in the story that were minor spoilers, but yeah. You have been warned

Every home in South Park is relatively close to one another, everyone pretty much lives on the same block. So when we were looking for Captain Hindsight's address on the internet, well Wendy looked but we all saw  the address, it was quickly realized that wow he lives really close to us. So the walk to his house wasn't very long at all, which is great for me because I cannot stand the cold what-so-ever. Every time we go out and do anything in these costumes they're always in short sleeves or something, I cannot get used to seeing anyone in short sleeves in this weather. I'm freezing my ass off over here, trying to run in this cold ass weather but no they're totally fine. 

Once we made it to Captain Hindsight's house, we all stopped at the front of his steps. The house was the same architecture as all the other towns of South Park expect it was a bright orange color. "Kenny, are you sure you can do this?" Kyle asked, looking rather worried. "Once we get in there, we all have to call each other by our superhero names. As far as I know, he doesn't know our real names and I'd like to keep it that way. I'm fine though, I can do this." Kenny-er- Mysterion? Whatever, Mysterion said. Mysterion was first up the steps, and everyone followed behind him. There's this really...weird tension in the air. I mean that kinda makes sense since the last time they talked was when he put a gun to Mysterion's head. 

Mysterion knocked on the door, and there was just silence on the other side. Oh come on, don't tell me he's not even gonna open the door for us. How fucking rude is that? "I don't think he's coming bzzt." Clyde-fuck- I mean Mosquito said. "He's coming, I'm sure of it." Mysterion said, then turned the doorknob. He opened the door, and the front of his house came into full view. "Oh dude, no no no. We're not breaking and entering." Human Kite said, looking panicked. "Yeah no way man, we could get in some serious shit for doing this. Let's just come back another time." Toolshed said, moving a bit closer to Human Kite. Does Kenny know how dangerous and stupid this is? Or does he just not care? It's probably because he's poor. 

"We need to learn how to control this, if we don't people could get seriously hurt. Is that what you want? Come on, let's go." Mysterion said, walking on ahead. Holy shit, someone's got to stop him or else we're gonna get in some serious shit! Why can't we just come back tomorrow? What's the point of getting in this kind of trouble? "Mysterion, we can't trespass!" Professor Chaos panicked. "Hindsight, where are you?! I know you're in here some come out!" Mysterion shouted to nothing, moving in closer. Everyone slowly started to follow behind him, walking inside of Captain Hindsight's home. We aren't really doing this, are we? We're fucking insane for this. 

The room was rather dull to say the least. We were only greeted by his living room, and an opening on the right that lead to some other room of the house. If I had to guess I'd probably say the kitchen. The room was dimly lit, the only source of light being a TV that had the news channel playing. There was a coffee table in the middle of the couch and the TV, but it had beer cans and empty chip bags all over it. There was a tall lamp near the door but, obviously it wasn't on. Next to the living room were stairs, but I can't see what goes up the steps. If I had to guess It'd probably be the bed and bath. There were a few pictures on the walls, photographs of people I didn't recognize. Nothing was extravagant about this house, if anything it looked like any normal house inside of South Park. 

"Mysterion, you need to stop!" Captain Diabetes shouted, wow these names are something else. "We can't just stop! We have to fucking control this or people will die!" Mysterion said, turning to us. He looked pissed to say the least, he was starting to sweat and his voice began to crack. "My-Kenny, you need to calm down." Butters said, walking over to Kenny's side. "I don't want this to be a curse for you guys too, I don't want you guys to hate these powers. I don't want anything bad to happen to you guys. Expect Cartman, he can take all the shit." Kenny said, and Cartman gave him a dirty look. 

"Kenny, what are you talking about?" Butters asked. "With every superpower, there's always downside. A thing that makes us hate what we have, a curse. Your friend here seems to understand that and I don't know why. But what he wants is for your new powers to be less awful than powers usually are, and getting my help apparently is in the plan to make things easier." An unfamiliar, older man's voice said from the open space that also was not lit up by any light. It was hard to see him since I could barely see any of my friends at all. "Captain Hindsight. What happened to you?" Kenny- wait no, Mysterion said. 

"I thought, maybe, after I reversed my powers then my life would go back to being normal." Captain Hindsight continued, "Shield your eyes kids. I'm turning my lights on." Then he did as he said, the lights coming on and oh Jesus my eyes are burning okay. After a good ten seconds of pain my vision started to clear up, and I could slowly start to see the man ahead of me. He was tall, wearing a white t-shirt and some baggy blue jeans. He was white and his hair was a dark brown and pretty messy. Nothing like Tweek's though, Tweek's is a nightmare. I mean overall he looked...like a pretty average guy.  

 "I wished my life could go back to normal, more than anything. I wanted to go back to being a normal news reporter who just kinda knew how everything could've been prevented. But then I got greedy, I wanted more. I wanted to help more people so they'd know how they could prevent these things, but really...all I wanted was some recognition. I regret it, I regret it so much. Every mistake I ever made, I knew immediately how I could've prevented it and it was driving me insane. I kept slipping up more and more, making my powers stronger and stronger. Eventually I just...gave up. I gave in, I wanted it gone. My life was a disaster and I wanted to fix it. I thought the only way to fix it was to go back to being a normal news reporter. So I did, I went back to doing what I had been doing but it was never the same. All I'd hear is that people needed Captain Hindsight back, that they were nothing without him. My inner hindsight told me I should've stayed the same." The man was rambling at this point, his eyes were red and his face was splotchy. He looked like he had been crying for a long time. 

"Help us, Captain Hindsight. We can take your place as the crime fighters of this town if you just help us. Give us hindsight on how to not use them, and then we can use the information you gave us on how to not do it again, and we'll use it to our advantage. We can stop crime like this, we all have powers now and we don't even know if we can get rid of them. You have nothing to lose Hindsight, only to gain. Or should I say, Jack Brolin." Mysterion said, trying his best to persuade the emotionally charged man. "God...it's been so long since I had been called that. I lost everything kids, I moved away from my old home because it reminded me too much of my Hindsight days. I lost my butler, I lost everything. How can this wash up help you now?" Jack asked. 

"Your hindsight still haunts you, you still have it inside of you. It's not as strong, but I bet it's strong enough to help us now. Please, Jack. You can't let my friends suffer like this, they're just kids." Mysterion pleaded. This is really the first time I've ever seen him like this, I didn't know he cared about us this much. It's kind of...nice. "What about you kid? Why are you so persistent on getting them help, what about you? You're not including yourself, why?" Jack asked. I think all of us were wondering the same thing, but was just too afraid to ask. Or maybe that was just me, I don't know anymore. 

"Even if I were to tell you, there'd be no point. Why cry about something you can't fix? I have my reasons and that's all that matters, and if I can make things better for them then I will. So, will you do it?" Mysterion asked. "You're an interesting kid, you know; but I'll help you and your friends out. I don't know how helpful I'll be but I can try." Jack said, and Mysterion smiled. "You don't have to keep calling me kid." Mysterion said. "What do you want me to call you then?" Jack asked. "Call me Mysterion." Mysterion answered, and Jack smiled just a bit. 

"Alright, Mysterion. Let's get started." 


	12. Try to Control

"Alright boys, and girl, we need to learn what your powers are and what causes them. I assume some of you have already activated your powers on accident." Jack said. The group of us were piled outside in the cold and none of them looked phased by it at all. I swear their superpowers are being able to withstand this cold because this is unnatural and unhealthy. 

"I want all of the kids who have already accidentally activated their powers to come forward, we'll start with you guys first." Jack ordered, and with that the four of them walked out of the little group and in front of Jack. "Okay, who was the first to start showing signs of superabilties?" Jack asked, and Tweek-I mean, you know what? It's not anyone even know what I'm saying here anyway, so Tweek raised his hand shyly. Glancing over at Craig, he looked a little tense. 

"What was the ability you were shown to have?" Jack asked, and a visible shudder ran down Tweek's body. "L-Lightening sir!" Tweek stammered, if anything everyone looked nervous. Not as nervous as Tweek does, but no one ever looks as nervous as Tweek does. "Alright, what was happening when you shot lightening?" Jack asked. "W-Well, the New Kid ended up passing out or something, then we all started yelling at each other and then it just kinda happened!" Tweek said, pulling at his jacket. 

"You were fighting? Were you mad? Or sad? Or scared?" Jack asked, and Tweek stayed quiet for a minute. "I was freaking o-out, I was scared! I thought my friend was gonna die! I didn't know how to take it man, and then I just kinda snapped! When I snapped the lightening came out and oh God I don't want to hurt anyone! I just wanted to help out man!" Tweek panicked, it looked like he was trying to compose himself by holding onto his jacket for dear life but it wasn't working. "Scared? What's the point in being scared? If you never learn to control it, then what's the point of even trying?" Jack antagonized Tweek, and Tweek started to bite his lip. 

"Hey don't say that to him-!" "Why not? It's the truth, he can't protect anyone like that. He'll only hurt them, he'll only hurt everyone with this power if he never fixes it." Craig tried his best to stop Jack from antagonizing Tweek, but Jack cut him off with more cruel words. "I-I can't...I just-" "You just what Tweek? You just what?" Tweek mumbled to himself, he was visibly starting to shake but Jack just kept on talking. Someone's gotta stop him, he's freaking Tweek out! "I just can't take the fucking pressure!" Tweek shouted, and with that, lightening came down in the shape of a T. 

Everyone went silent, eyes wide. Holy shit...it worked. However Tweek didn't look any bit of confused, he was shaking violently as he held his hands on his head while he squeezed his eyes shut. "Your fear of not being able to protect others is what causes your lightening, or the fact that you're afraid to help them. Your lightening is your form of protecting others to prevent them from getting hurt which also mixes with an alarming amount of energy circling through your body. In order to call on it whenever you want, start to think about how you alone can't protect or help anyone. Your lightening will do the job for you." Jack calmly stated. If anything, he was the only calm one here.

Craig started to shove his way out of the group, moving people out of his way. Once he was out of the little group of us, he jogged toward Tweek to stand by his side. He grabbed Tweek's arm and pulled him into a tight hug. "There there, Tweek." Craig said in his attempt to be soothing. Tweek was still shaking in Craig's arms, his face hidden in Craig's' shoulder. Holy shit, I can't believe that just fucking happened. One, lightening just fucking shot from Tweek and now Craig is actually being super comforting. Am I the only person who's kinda afraid of both of them right now? 

"Are you fucking insane?" Craig asked, anger seeping in his voice. It was clear his statement was directed at Jack, and Jack started to look confused. "You guys asked for my help, what do you expect? It's not my fault his fear is what drives him." Jack said, and Craig's expression turned to an angry scowl. "Look what you did to him! We came to you so we wouldn't have any kind of fear about our powers anymore, and this is the exact opposite!" Craig shouted, still holding Tweek in his arms. Tweek didn't really acknowledge the situation at all, I wonder what he's thinking. 

"I was just doing what I had to do. Who's next?" Jack asked calmly, but Craig still looked severely pissed. He flipped Jack off, which is a normal thing for Craig. However after he flipped Jack off, Jack's face started to go red and steam flew out of his ears. "Trying to be cute huh?! Well I'll show you!" Jack shouted, he was enraged. Suddenly, a large shield protected Craig's entire body. However since Tweek was still in his hold, he was protected by the shield as well. "W-What just happened?" Tweek asked, finally looking up. "Oh for fucks sake I can't even flip people off anymore!" Craig shouted, clearly pissed. 

With Jack enraged, he charged toward's Craig and his shield. "Oh God, we gotta stop him!" Kyle shouted. "Dude they're protected, it's fine!" Stan protested. Stan's right, it should be fine. The only problem is that we don't know when this shit is gonna wear off, or if Jack is gonna accidentally hurt himself in the process. Jack started to punch and kick at the shield. Craig couldn't help but smugly smile at Jack, but Tweek was not as smug as Craig was. He kept his eyes shut tight, his arms wrapped tight around Craig's body. 

"Holy shit this would be great for our franchise." Cartman said, pulling his phone out of his pocket to snap a picture. Oh my God Cartman you fucking dumb ass! You're gonna get us in so much shit, we're trying to hide this from people not expose ourselves! "Dude!" Kyle shouted at Cartman, but Cartman ignored him while he typed away at his phone. Is no one going to stop him?! I'm sure as hell not gonna do it! 

After Cartman started playing on his phone, a low buzzing started to become audible. The low buzzing caught all of our attention as we looked around for the source, even Craig and Tweek were looking. The buzzing started to get louder and louder as the seconds passed by, like bugs starting to swarm. Hey wait...I turned my attention over to Clyde and oh my God it's the mosquitoes. Clyde was looking pretty nervous but the mosquitoes were attracted to him as they latched themselves onto his skin. "Oh for fucks sake!" Stan said, moving behind Kyle. "The hell are you using me as a shield for?" Kyle shouted, looking pretty nervous too. 

"Don't you have like a fucking shield ability or something?!" Stan shouted back. "I-I don't know how to use it!" Kyle stammered, panicked. "Everyone, just calm down!" Jack shouted, and everyone turned their attention to him. When did he...? Okay, whatever, don't question it. "When Clyde started getting swarmed with mosquitoes it went away." Craig said, Tweek now by his side rather than practically on top of him. "This Clyde kid's power canceled out this other boy's rage power. But it looks like Clyde's mosquitoes swarm to him when he's panicked, like he's trying to protect himself with mosquitoes." Jack said. 

"So...they don't want to suck our blood?" Stan asked cautiously, still hiding behind Kyle. "Not unless you antagonize Clyde." Jack said, and Stan sighed in relief. "Guys, do you think I can control these things?" Clyde asked. Why would you want to control those things? They're nasty and gross and make me really uncomfortable. "What makes you think you can?" Token asked. "Well, in my special I can. That's probably what these mosquitoes are from." Clyde said, then raised his hand and pointed at a nearby tree. Nothing happened. Oh thank God- "Attack the tree!" Clyde shouted. Following his command, the mosquitoes did so. They flew off of Clyde's body and onto the tree he pointed to. I officially want out of this shit, fuck the franchise I am not playing with that. 

Clyde started to laugh, a confident yet triumphant look on his face. Once he started to laugh, the mosquitoes started to fly back up into the sky. "Clyde, the less fearful you are, the less they're gonna help you. It seems like all your powers are controlled by feelings. That boy who flipped me off was angry when he did so, which protected him. All of these powers are powered by feeling things that associate with them. I can't help you with every power you all have because then we'd have to play the waiting game to figure everyone single one of them out. Once they do appear though, you all should be able to tell what to do with them with the hindsight I have given you boys, and girl." Jack explained in a calm manner. 

"M-M-My speed c-c-c-comes from thinking of ra-ra-ra-ra-random things though. Which is m-m-my po-power." Jimmy spoke up. "Does anyone even feel things when they run expect for sweat and tiredness?" Jack asked. He's right, I fucking hate running. "W-Well-" "I think you're a special case kid." Jack said. Well, no wonder the special kid has the 'special' power. This is why I'm friends with these kids, I am such an asshole oh my God. 

"Does this mean we can go home now? I'm getting a little chilly." Butters said, rubbing his arms. "Yeah let's get out of here before it gets dark." Kyle said, and everyone grouped up once again to leave. "Bye kids! If you ever need me, let me know!" Jack said, not following behind. The rest of us made our way out of the background and through the front door so we could all head back to our own respective homes. Well, I think I learned something very important today about my friends and how they react to things. I'm not the only one who get's cold! Take that you fuckers! 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi so I just wanted to ask you guys a quick little question. This story is supposed to be taken as a written AU sequel of TFBW and inside the game itself are side quests. Now of course these side quests are optional, so I am giving you guys the option of this. I have a proposition, would you guys like to see a couple chapters that are just a short side thing that are randomly placed after every major event from here on out? They'd only last one chapter each 'quest'. If that sounds interesting to anyone then let me know! Thank you reading.


	13. Someone's in Deep DooDoo

The group of us walked down the street, everyone chatting about different things. It was kinda funny, no one really looked on edge at all. Expect for Tweek, but that's kinda normal for him anyway. I mean he's kinda calm, but it always feels like he's panicking about something but only a little bit. "I knew we shouldn't have let Clyde choose fucking mosquitoes as his fucking power, they're creepy and gross and now he can give us malaria." Stan complained, itching at the mosquito bites that were practically all over his body. I wonder how his mom reacted to those bug bites anyway. 

"Yeah but they don't want to go after you unless you get too close to me, their leader." Clyde gloated, like his nose was up in the air. "Whatever man, it's still scary as shit." Stan said. Looking over at the couple, Tweek calmed down a lot since we left Jack's house but was still anxious nonetheless. Craig's hand was firmly gripping Tweek's, why are they always touching? Ever since I got them back together with couples counseling they've been all over each other. ...Maybe they're the real mosquitoes, but which one would be Clyde and which one is the mosquitoes? 

 "Oh shit dude, look at that poor sucker's house!" Cartman laughed and pointed to a red house with it's door swung wide open. Wait a second...that...that's my house?! Oh God damn it, damn it, damn it! I knew I should've locked the fucking door! I started running, sprinting to my house. Oh God I hope the damage isn't too bad, I hope nothing valuable is stolen. Though, I took a glance at the drive away and my parents car is here. Oh my God did they get abducted again?! 

I ran inside, chest heaving and heart pounding. Oh God oh God oh God I hope everything is okay. Looking around, it seems like nothing is really out of place at all but I don't see my parents at all. They probably got taken didn't they? Oh God, I can't believe I did that. Okay, just calm down, calm down. This is fine, everything is fine. You saved them once, you can do it again. "New Kid, is everything alright?" I heard Kyle call out behind me, did they follow me to my house? "Is anything stolen?" Kenny asked, everyone forcing their way into my house. 

"Come on, let's look around. Are your parents here?" Stan asked, but I don't think he expected an answer to such an obvious question. "If there was a thief here I can try to track them through their phone if they used it here at all. I can check the cell towers." Wendy said, pulling one of her many phones out and tapping away. I should probably go upstairs, see if anything was stolen in there. Maybe mom and dad are sleeping up there or something, I don't know. Nothing seems touched though, it's kinda...weird. 

I headed up the stairs as quickly as I could, oh God I hope everything is alright. When I got upstairs, all the doors were closed like usual. It's really like...nothing was touched. If nothing was touched then...why was the door wide open? Or maybe they really did take my parents again, but who would 'they' be this time? We're not involved in anything anymore, so they wouldn't want them. ...Right? 

Maybe my parents are in their bedroom, hopefully. "Is everything okay up there?!" Token asked. I looked over at the stairs, and everyone was half way up. They all looked pretty nervous, I wonder if I look the same to them. Expect Cartman, he really looks like he couldn't care less. I turned my attention back to my parents' bedroom. Oh God I hope everything is gonna be okay. I took a deep breath, placing my hand on the doorknob. Well...here goes nothing. I turned the knob slowly and pulled the door open. 

My parents were sitting on the side of the bed, starring right at me with arms crossed and eyes narrowed. "Are your parents up there New Kid?" Clyde asked, I gulped. They...do not look happy. "You thought we got robbed, huh?" Mom asked, glaring right at me. I am in so much trouble, aren't I? I could hear snickering from the top of the stairs. "We better go so we don't get our asses kicked." Kenny said while snickering. Oh ha ha, very funny. I am so glad my supportive friends are laughing about how screwed I am. Might as well just watch me get ran over by a bus and start laughing about it. 

The group of them quickly made their way down my staircase and practically ran out the house. Of course, they made sure to close the door behind them. "Why didn't you lock the door when you left the house?" Dad asked me, a stern tone in his voice. Oh God damn it was this a robbery scare so that I would learn some shitty ass lesson? "Do you know why we left the door open? Why we pretended to not hear you and your little friends come in? Well you and them were pretty scared when you all thought it was a robbery, right? You regretted leaving the door open, huh?" Dad asked, but it wasn't really a question. 

Can this be considered child abuse because this is cruel and I hate this. "We did that so you'd know what it would be like if robbers did get in here, or worse! We just want you to know that you need to lock the door no matter what or something bad could happen to all of us. Alright, sweetie?" Mom said in a sickeningly sweet tone. This is just wrong, this is just straight up shit. Why can't they just be like normal parents and not scare the shit out of me? Why can't they just regularly punish me instead of embarrassing me like that in front of my friends?! Now I'm gonna get ripped on for sure!

"I'm guess now suddenly you're fine to run around even though yesterday you couldn't even walk?" Dad asked, still looking pretty pissed. Oh come on! This is just assault! Are they trying to say I faked it or something? Why? What's the point of me faking it? So they'd bring dinner up for me? I don't even wanna eat their shit anyway! "Okay honey, let's not take it that far. I think he really did have something wrong with him." Mom defended me, at least she cares about me. "Then how is he suddenly perfectly fine?" Dad asked. "Well he's still a young boy, he heals faster than we do. Maybe it wasn't that severe, and maybe he was over exaggerating some." Mom said. Can't I just get my punishment and go? 

"So you're just encouraging his lying?" Dad asked my mom sternly, and she looked taken aback a bit. No no no oh come on please don't go back to this again. "N-No sweetie that's not what I mean! He's still going to get punished!" Mom defended herself. "Yeah, for the door. What about his lie yesterday about being in pain?" Dad asked. Oh for God's sake I wasn't lying! "I don't think he was lying! Look, can we just punish him for the thing we're certain he did?" Mom pleaded with dad, and dad sighed in response. 

"Sure, yeah, sure. Do whatever you want." Dad said in a passive aggressive tone. "Thank you. Sweetie I need you to go to your room and you can't come out until you leave for school tomorrow morning." Mom said. At least it's not as bad as I thought it would be, if they would've taken my phone away I would've been screwed. "What?! Are you kidding me?! That's it?!" Dad shouted. Oh no oh fuck I don't wanna be here any longer or else he's gonna make this shit worse or something. 

I turned my ass right around and headed out the bedroom as quickly as I could. Fuck dinner, fuck the medicine, I am hiding in my room before shit hits the fan. I closed my door shut, locking it just in spite. Luckily I can't really hear them arguing from my room, but I'm sure they are anyway. I thought after I had fixed everything, everything would be fine and they'd be happy with each other. I thought they wouldn't fight anymore. I guess I was wrong. 

I wonder if my key is in my 'ordinary citizen' clothes anyway, I never checked. Walking over to my closet, I found those clothes just thrown inside. So that's where the clothes go after I magically change. Pulling the clothes out, I shuffled around in both of the pockets but no key was to be found. Is it in this outfit? I stuck my hands in both of my pockets, feeling my phone and my key. Well, I just got grounded for no damn reason. I sighed, throwing my regular clothes on my bed. I guess there's no point in playing superhero anymore, huh? 


	14. Betrayal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi more really long text messages featuring the South Park kiddos I'm sorry

Well, my punishment is being forced into complete solitude up in my room. Dad still wasn't convinced that I wasn't lying about practically dying, but mom believed me. Dad wanted to take away my phone and my mom wanted me to 'stay in my room' which is her way of just coming into my room and babying me as if I were sick. So they decided to take the middle ground, they actually wanted me to stay in my room. And verbal contact with anyone? Forget it. When mom brought my dinner up to me, she did it without a word and never came back upstairs to pick up the dirty dishes. It was kinda...sad. 

The rule is that I'm not allowed to talk to anyone, not verbally anyway. I also can't leave my room unless it's to use the bathroom, in which case I have to text them when I leave my room and text them when I go back in so they know I'm not just lounging around in the bathroom or something. I swear to God I made one mistake and now I'm in solitary confinement. Worse than that, I have nothing to do in my room! My Okama Gamesphere does nothing but continuously load, my computer continuously loads, everything just continuously loads! Just strike me dead where I stand. 

I finished all my homework about an hour ago, and ever since I've finished I've been bored out of my mind. The most entertaining thing I've done is stared at the loading screen of the Okama Gamesphere slowly load on and on forever. Seriously I might wanna call someone about fixing this thing, wait no I can't because haha can't talk because I'm grounded. This is such shit man, I'm gonna end up rotting in here and dying. I'm going stir crazy, I'm growing weak from lack of food and water. If I die here, someone needs to tell my parents that this is kinda their fault. ...I swear I will jump out this window. I'll either die or escape and that's a win win situation.

Before I even had time to legitimately consider that option, my phone started to buzz a lot. I grabbed my phone from my nightstand, oh thank God someone contacted the group chat. 

Tweek- Holy shit guys, check the news right now!! >-< 

Cartman- Dude who watches the fucking news? 

Stan- What news station? 

Tweek- CNN 

And the group chat stopped...chatting. Well, they never said I couldn't watch TV. I grabbed my remote and turned on the TV which still showed my loading Okama Gamesphere. Someday I will fix you, just not today. I changed the to the TV setting then moved turned on the channel of CNN. Seriously who watches this anyway it's full of people dying or something like that. "It's truly a magnificent sight indeed. A group of fourth graders in our very town have recently been discovered to have supernatural abilities. Yes you heard me right, supernatural abilities! If you look here at this surveillance tape, you can see the entire thing first hand." A news reporter said, and there a video of us earlier today played on screen. I saw it all, Craig's body shield, Tweek's lightening, Clyde's mosquitoes. It was all there. 

Kyle- How the hell did this happen?! 

Token- Cpt Hindsight mustve gave it to the news station

Token- but why? 

Kenny- he used 2 be a news reporter I told him wed help him by bringing his life back I didnt mean tht

Clyde- so he turned in the tapes so he'd get his news reporter job back? 

Kyle- It's the story of a lifetime, no wonder he did that. 

"Yes it was quite the terrifying experience for sure, I feared for my life. But I knew that this needed to be shown on the news even if it would kill me. My inner reporter had to report on this to keep the people safe. These kids are dangerous, but you don't need to tell me that." Jack said, standing in a suit with a CNN mic in his hand. He got his job back didn't he? At the expense of us! He knew we went to him because we didn't want to hurt anyone, that slimy bastard! Well, now he has more guilt to live with than ever before, so piss on him. I guess he really was falling, falling far enough to rat out on children. 

Butters- What about our parents?? 

Stan- o no our parents prbly no now aftr watching the news 

Craig- shit 

Tweek- oh God! We gotta hide! ;-;

Kyle- No, we don't have to hide! We'll be fine, we can just convince our parents it's not us. 

Butters- How do we do that?? 

Kyle- I don't know, but just, stay calm

Stan- should we go talk 2 Cpt Hindsight tmrrw 

Craig- yeah

Kenny- no thts not a good idea 

Oh God, my parents wanted to keep a low profile so we didn't get found out by the government and now this is happening! My parents are gonna make me move away or something like that! Or maybe something worse, I have no idea but this is not good at all. The government probably knows where we are now, they'll take my parents and my friends. They'll do awful things to us and run experiments and stuff. Oh man, oh God we are so screwed. What are we gonna do...? My phone just kept buzzing, my screen refusing to go black. I looked down at it, but it wasn't the group chat buzzing. No, it was someone else texting me. I opened the messages, they were from Kenny. 

Kenny- Come over I got a plan but I need your help 

Kenny- We can tell everyone about it later just come over 

Oh God, what does Kenny have planned now? How are we going to fix this? I don't think we even can fix this at all. Still though, he's my friend and if he's got a way to help us then this is as good as any time now to go find out what he's got up his sleeve. Besides, I'm grounded anyway so there's no real way I can get into anymore trouble than I already am. More solitary confinement I guess but damn it this is too important. I need to help my friends, I need to protect my family. We have superpowers now, and we all need a hero for this. Good thing I'm already in my superhero costume. 

I grabbed my house key from on my desk, I made sure I put it there after I got locked up so I wouldn't get in trouble again. Okay how am I going to get out of here? Wait a second...the buddy system! I grabbed the phone from out my pocket and texted Kyle the buddy system text. With a flash, Kyle came to my side immediately. "Wow I didn't think I'd actually get here this fast for real. Alright New Kid let's do this. Where are you going?" Kyle asked, I can't tell him though so I just gotta stay quiet and all he did was shrug in response. 

I bent down so he could jump on my back, and he did so. Thank God Cartman isn't apart of the buddy system because man imagine how heavy he'd be on my back. I can barely even hold Kyle up. I stood on the edge of my window and took a deep breath. Holy shit I hate heights. I mean if this worked before it's gotta work now, especially because now everything is really real. Oh shit wait I haven't farted since this whole incident happened. Oh God this is gonna hurt, but I mean it's a regular fart. It's not a time bending fart, so it'll be fine. Right? 

I started to let the fart rip, oh my God my ass disagrees with this. "You sure you got this New Kid?!" Kyle asked with panic in his voice, but I jumped before he could finish his sentence. Oh God I don't think I can do this, this is pretty painful! Oh God I can't take it, I can't fart the whole way down! I ended up stopping the fart, and the two of us started to fall face first into the ground. "Woah woah woah!!" Kyle screamed out, wrapping his arms around my neck and pulling me back. Oh God he's gonna choke me to death! 

Luckily the fall was short so I didn't have to get choked for longer than one second. Another thing to be thankful for, it snows here so we just crashed into a little snow lump. Oh my God it's so fucking cold! "Jesus New Kid, get your ass checked out before you make me do that again. Why didn't you just leave through the front door? Oh well, see ya New Kid. Now how does this work..." Kyle asked himself, and he stood there for a moment. Suddenly a dark blue gust of visible wind surround him, he held onto his kite, and was flew up into the sky.

I didn't think the buddy system would actually work. I don't have time to wait around though, I have to go before I make Kenny upset or before things get worse. Before I started to leave, my phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my pocket once again, it was a text in the group chat from Kyle. 

Kyle- Guys! The buddy system works! It's included in our powers as well! It's kinda like Jimmy's powers, all you gotta do is think about whatever function your system has and it'll work! 

Stan- thts cool & all but y were u using the buddy system 

Kyle- New Kid was sneaking out, he got grounded after the whole lock thing. Remember? 

Stan- XD oh yea 

I put my phone on do not disturb and shoved it back into my pocket. Alright, now I have to go before my parents see me. With that, I started to make my way to Kenny's house. No matter what, I'll make things right. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh New Kid is shook


	15. Things Just Suck Man

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter makes reference to the episode "The Poor Kid" and it kinda spoils that episode so yeah. Also if you haven't seen that episode it's gr8 mahn.

In the late hours of the night, I make my way almost every night through every street. Fighting the bad guys and...many assed cats. The night has become my best friend, my blanket of comfort. Once it becomes 9 p.m, all hell breaks lose and I am out with all of my friends fighting all those who deserve it. Well, that's what we would be saying but that's not the case anymore. Instead it's 10 p.m at night, real sketchy there, and I'm running in the freezing snow in a little superhero costume with no form of warmth and no way to defend if I get robbed. I mean I have my farts but...those are currently defective right now.

If anything, this feels like some cliche trope moment where antagonist A takes away protagonist's super powers and they have to fend for themselves with like a stick or someone else helping them or something. Expect this time I'm just in too much pain to fart. In game I hate that trope, and in real life it's a lot worse. Still though, anyone on the streets is probably drunk, high, or just does not care about a kid running around in the streets at this hour. Ever since Mitch Conner was taken out of office the partying around here got a lot less excessive

I rubbed my eyes, they're heavy from sleepiness. Man, I don't know how people stay up this late because I am exhausted. Maybe I could text Jimmy and get him to fast pass for me. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it on, shit I'm being spammed. The group chat looked like it was going on about something, but I can read that at Kenny's house. Oh wait I just realized, that fast pass shit doesn't work because I gotta put a flag and shit. That's so stupid, if I wanna get from say my house to the police station I gotta walk all the way there. Maybe I am disabled and I can't walk so I need Jimmy to help me out. The disabled kids gotta stick together man. ...God what has South Park turned me into? 

Anywho, I gotta make it to Kenny's house before I either get attacked or frostbite. So his house is by the SodoSopa, which is at the very bottom right corner of town. Well, it's not really by SodoSopa, it's apart of SodoSopa. God that's so fucking far away, when am I ever gonna get to fucking relax in this town? Even in the night I'm not even relaxing, sometimes I wonder why I don't want to move from this town and these people. Well, sitting here and complaining isn't gonna get me to Kenny's house is it? No, no it's not. 

I started to walk down the cold streets of this fucked up town. Even the suburbs were all fucked up, really everything about this town is fucked it. News reporters are ratting out on kids that have superpowers, kids have superpowers, my friend's mom calls kids daddy, how much worse can this shit get? I mean, I heard that a while back Kenny and his siblings got taken by his parents for abuse or something. I remember watching that episode of 'I'm White Trash and I'm in Trouble' with my parents. I remember feeling really bad for those three, but I never thought he'd ever go back. I guess something happened at his foster home or something. Maybe his parents cleared their name or something, proved those TV guys wrong. 

Still though, I feel bad for him and his siblings. Their house is so...rundown and shit. I don't even want to mention his parents, they really don't give a shit about him or his siblings at all. I really kinda feel the worst for his little sister, I think her name was Karen. I got her doll for her one time, and she was so happy about that little old thing. I guess I would be too if that was the only thing I ever got in my life. I think the worst thing about her is her childlike innocence, she doesn't lash out and she doesn't get mean. She just smiles like a normal kid, and takes it like a champ. I wonder how bad her foster home really could've been, either way she didn't deserve it. 

I remember in that episode he had a brother, he looked older. I've never met him, but he seems kinda..mean. Well, mean is the wrong word. I'd say maybe angry or something. Then again, all I saw him do was fight with his dad. Even in that episode, Karen was crying. Shit man, I don't wanna go back there now. I hope Kenny's good to his sister, she deserves it. Before I even realized it, I was crossing the train tracks to get to SodoSopa. Huh, I guess when you're not walking in a group and you're trying to escape the freeze you do move faster. God, Kenny's house looks messier and messier the more times I come by to see it. 

I walked up to the steps and went to go knock, but froze for a second. Wait, I probably don't really need to even knock this time, huh? Maybe I should just text him, let him know I'm here. Nah, let's just be an inconsiderate asshole and walk in unannounced, but invited. I opened the front door slowly, since I run the risk of getting fucking attacked by Kenny's parents. I poked my head in the crack in the door, looking around the living room. Kenny was sitting on the couch in his Mysterion costume, watching TV. Wow, how unheroic.

Kenny turned his attention to me, so I opened the door completely to step in. God this place smells like weed and beer, I should know what that smells like just as much as Kenny knows. Man, maybe that's why my parents moved to South Park of all places, so they wouldn't be outcasted or their shit parenting. I stepped inside the house, closing the door behind me. "There you are, have a seat." Kenny said, and I did just that. "I know you already know this, but I called you here because I have an idea on how to reverse the damage done thanks to Jack, or Captain Hindsight if that's what you call him. His name is Jack, did you know that?" Kenny asked me. Yeah I did know that, thanks Kenny for telling yesterday about his real name. Well not really telling me, but I heard him say it. 

"Let me just cut to the chase. We go to Captain Hindsight as soon as possible and we force him to destroy the tape and tell them all it was just a scam. We have superpowers now so we can freak him out with them. We have to do whatever we have to get this all cleared up or else the government will get involved and we'll get taken. I won't leave Karen behind alone like that, I just won't. Who would she have?" Kenny asked me, but it wasn't really a question was it? I mean, it's not a bad idea. Still though, I thought he didn't want to use his powers like that. Is he really that desperate? I mean I get it and all but still...that just doesn't seem right. Hell, nothing seems right about any of this. 

"Butthole, can I talk to you? I mean, I'm not sure if you'll even remember any of what I want to say, but I really don't care. Besides, you don't even talk anyway and you never look like you care so for all I know you're not even listening to me and I'm just rambling to myself. It's still nice to pretend though, that someone is listening. Playing pretend is just what we were doing, what all this was. Then all of this happened, and everything is way too fucked up. I don't even know why things are the way they are. Why are we cursed with these powers? Why did this have to happen to us? I know you've know what this is like before the cheesy burrito. I've know what this has been like before the burrito, cursed superpowers." Kenny just rambled, like he's been dying to get this off his chest for a while now. 

I wish I knew what to do to make him feel better, but I think not talking is what would make him the most comfortable right now. It's like, he needs to get all of this off his chest and talk about it but he doesn't want to. I wonder why. "I mean you won't tell anyone about what I'm saying now, you don't even talk. Maybe that's why I'm talking to you, I really don't know. We're not close, but that doesn't really matter. Even if you don't answer, I know you understand what I've been going through my whole life. If you can even call this a life, really. 

Butthole, I can't die." 


	16. He Can't Die

"Butthole, I can't die." Kenny said, his tone nothing short of serious. Wait, this is a joke right? I mean I know one of his move sets is that when he dies he can come back and be a ghost and shit, but he said this happened before the whole superpower fart thing right? "I know what you're probably thinking, that's stupid right? Everyone can die, that's just the way of life. I can die, technically, but I always come back to life the next day. Even when I try to tell people, they never believe me. Even if they did believe me, they'd never remember by the next morning. I don't know about how you feel about your 'power' but I...don't know if I hate mine." Kenny trailed off, looking down at the ground. 

He chuckled to himself and rubbed his face with his hand. "Really, I have no idea why I'm telling you this. I could've told Stan or Kyle or Butters, but I just don't want to try anymore. Maybe because you don't talk, and I just can pretend that you'll remember what I'm saying. I've told you this before you know, but you might actually know. I know you're special like I am, but maybe that doesn't change anything." Kenny said, his voice a rumbled whispered. Even at a time like this, he keeps his fake voice. I wonder why. 

"I don't know if I want this curse or not, but I don't wish it on anyone else. I mean, everyone would probably be fucking ecstatic to have this curse. Then there's no fear of suddenly waking up one morning and dying in the next few hours, no one would question why you were back and no one would grieve for you. It seems like it would be great, right? In a sense, yeah it is great. But I'm still human sorta, I still feel everything. I know what it's like to get ran over, stabbed, smashed, shot, and more. It all really fucking hurts, so the fear ends up becoming less of 'when am I gonna die?' it becomes more of 'how much pain am I gonna be in today?'" Kenny explained. I really don't know what to say. 

"But really, I don't know if I really want this curse gone. If I die so many times, imagine how long ago I would've been gone? Imagine how my sister would be? She'd be all alone in this world, and I mean I love my parents but she'd never survive with them. She can't depend on our brother, I know, so it's just me helping her out. I don't want to leave her like that, so I really can't hate this curse. I really don't know why I'm telling you this, and I'm sorry even if you aren't listening. I just don't know what to think sometimes, but that's not why you're here. You're here to clear our names." Kenny said, his head laying on the palm of his hand. 

I don't really know what to do with him right now. Does he want me to comfort him? He says he doesn't want to tell anyone who'd respond, so should I just act like I wasn't paying attention? Should I do something? Maybe, I don't know! What would he want me to do? I can't just pretend that I don't care, because I do. Kenny's my friend, and though I don't understand him nor are we really close he's not an asshole to me. He's actually pretty nice to me, so I want to help out even if it's not much. I'd do that for pretty much all of them, expect for Cartman. 

I raised my arm and placed my hand on his shoulder. I just want him to know I was listening, that I do know how hard he's struggling with all of these feelings. Kenny looked up at me and smiled at me, but the smile didn't look as nice as a smile should. It looked like a pity smile, or a sad smile. Or maybe that's just how he smiles, I wouldn't really know. "Thanks, Butthole." Kenny said, and I'm taking that as a cue that this touching moment is ending. I pulled my hand off his shoulder and put it back at my side. I hope what I did for him was right. Or maybe it doesn't really matter to him at all and I'm just overthinking the entire thing, I don't really know. 

"Anyway, sorry for that. Back to the plan at hand. We can go to Hindsight's house whenever you want but we need to meet up at the Freedom Pal's Base before we do anything. We do need to get a better grip on our powers before we do anything, maybe if you can help out. Before we get to Hindsight's I need you to help everyone with their own separate powers and get them to get a better grip on it. I can take care of everyone who's already found out what their powers are and I'll help them get better with their powers. Once you get the others to find their powers then send them over to me and I'll help them out. Once everyone gets their shit in order then we storm Hindsight." Kenny planned. Oh fuck me how am I supposed to help people with their emotional control if I don't talk? 

"If you can't deal with everyone one on one, then get them all together and let them fuel each other. If you want I can come with you since I need to find out what my new found power is too. We can bring everyone, and we can try to figure out what emotion ties us to the power. Then once everyone figures their shit out, then we can train over at my house since I have a big backyard and my family doesn't give a shit about me so they won't bother us." Kenny planned. Yeah that's a better plan. but I kinda find it funny that he really accepts the fact that his parents are complete and total shit. 

"I'll text the group chat about what's going on, but have you been checking it recently? It's been blowing up for a while, I think they made a discovery about their powers or something. I don't know, I just glanced at it because I didn't start getting the texts until right before you came. Shitty wifi, you know? Anyway, that's all. We can talk more about things at school tomorrow, and then after school we just go straight to my house. Come as fast as you can, I know you have to change and drop your stuff off but you can't take as long as you do. We have shit to do." Kenny said. Okay seriously I said you were a good friend of mine and I gave you a comforting shoulder touch and this is how you treat me? I have been betrayed. 

With that betrayal, I stood up off the couch. I have been shamed for the last time and I will not stand for it. Plus I really gotta get home before my parents catch me out. Kenny stands up as well. "Thanks for coming by, Butthole. I really appreciate it." Kenny said. Well maybe I'll come back if you don't fucking rip on me while telling me a God damn game plan. Still though, I don't really ever understand what Kenny is ever saying so just being able to understand him a little better tonight is nice. Even if I may not remember in the morning, if he's even telling the truth, I'm glad he did that. Besides, I mean why would he look so genuine if he were to be lying to me? 

Still it's hard to wrap my head around, he really can't die? And he's told me before? When was that? Either he's super convincing or he's telling the real truth. I mean my 'power' is caused by medicine and what he was just born without the ability to die? Is that considered like a birth defect? Well, either way, it doesn't really matter whether it's true or not. I can sit and think about this more later when I get home, if I don't fucking fall asleep instantly once I hit the bed. I glanced over at Kenny, who was heading to his hallway. I assume he's going to change out of that costume and go to bed. I wish I could do that right now too, but no I gotta brace the fucking cold. Well, here I go. Out to the fucking tundra and to die of frostbite.

Man oh man how much I gotta love South Park. 


	17. Stop Thinking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MIA - missing in action
> 
> okay so do you all remember the two parters 'You're Getting Old' and "Assburgers'? Well in this chapter AND next chapter they will get the HECK spoiled out of them, kinda. Just proceed with caution, or don't I'm not ya mama. But if you haven't seen them good lordy are they some fantastic episodes please if you have spare time and want a good two parter to watch then WATCH THOSE I love them okay thank you bye now

Well, after I'd say a good fifteen minute walk I finally made it back to my home. The time is probably at least midnight by now, so I know my parents are probably sleeping. Or fucking, whichever one it may be means they're not paying any attention to me. I pulled my key out of my pocket and unlocked the front door, trying to open it as slowly as I could so I wouldn't make any noise. Once I was inside, I closed the door behind me once again and locked it up. There, nothing ever happened. 

I crept up the stairs as silently as a could, luckily the house was new so none of the stairs creaked under my weight. Once I got up to the top of the stairs, I sneaked back into my bedroom. I sighed in relief and exhaustion, finally I made it back home. I rubbed my eyes, they were heavy with exhaustion but I didn't have any time to sleep. No, I had to check that fucking group chat. I flopped onto the bed, my eyes to the ceiling. I might just close my eyes for five minutes, just to rest up a little. No, if I do then I'll just end up falling asleep. If I don't get changed then I can't go to bed. 

I sat up slowly, pulling my phone out of my costume pocket. I turned on my phone, and instead of my lockscreen photo all I saw were missed texts from the group chat. Dear God if this isn't important I'm gonna lose it. It's probably gonna lag out my phone too, considering how much spam there is. Christ's sake, I go MIA for one or two hours and suddenly everything and everyone goes nuts. Damn, I never really how cranky I get when tired. Good thing no one knows what I'm thinking. 

Butters- Hey guys!! Is fast travel considered a buddy system?? 

Jimmy- Probably, why? 

Butters- Well gee, maybe the reason why emotions didn't work with Jimmy's power is cause it's his buddy system!!

Kyle- That makes sense, when I wanted to get to the New Kid or leave the New Kid I just had to think about how much I wanted to go home because it was getting kinda chilly and then poof I got home. When I wanted to get to the New Kid I just had to think about helping him out and then I got there. 

Wendy- How is that possible? 

Stan- Freeman said tht wht we imagined becme real

Wendy- Even the buddy system? 

Token- It was all technically fake 

Kenny- Guys

Kenny- Buttlord just came 2 my home & we came up with a plan 

Butters- What is it?? 

Kenny- tomrrw after school we go to someones house with a bckyard and we all help each other get our powers straight

Token- We can go 2 my place

Token- Its probably the most secure

Tweek- I wish my house was secure! T-T

Kyle- How do you plan to get our powers straight? 

Kenny- Make each other pissed or sad or whatever 

Kyle- Shit my mom just woke up! If she catches me awake then I'm dead! Good plan though. I got to go, I'll see you guys tomorrow. Later! 

Stan- how did BL get out his house

Craig- haha BL 

Kenny- buddy system 

Stan- lololol o yea CX 

Kenny- u alright stan

Stan- ye 

Kyle- Guys can you all go to bed? I can't go to bed if you guys won't stop texting me.

Stan- y

Kyle- Because if I leave it on do not disturb then you guys will blow up my phone. 

Stan- k  

Stan- bye

That was the last message sent in the group chat, thirty minutes ago. Well, good thing they figured out how the buddy system works. Now Butters, Stan, and Scott have to figure out how to get their buddy part to work. I grabbed my phone and turned it off then put it on my night stand. Where's my phone charger again? Oh, it's still plugged in from last night. See, keeping the damn thing plugged in won't set the fucking house on fire. I grabbed the charger and plugged it into my phone. The phone lit up again, telling me it was charging. The time displayed to be 12:20. Shit, I'm gonna be so tired tomorrow. 

I raised my arms and started to spin, slowly. I really don't feel like getting dizzy, but wasting precious seconds changing instead of sleeping can't happen. My body started to glow, and in seconds my pajamas were on. I sighed once again, crawling into the warm blankets of my bed that welcomed me. This is the nicest feeling I've ever felt in my entire life and I never want to leave this bed ever again. I closed my eyes, trying to lull myself asleep. 

I expected this to be easy, but of course nothing is. Once I decided that I wanted to go to bed, that my body wanted to go to bed, my brain refuses. My head ran wild with crazy thoughts from my talk with Kenny. Seriously? He can't die? There's no way, no way at all. I can't believe that, honestly. How does that even work? Do his parents just give birth to him after every time he dies or something? How does no one remember it? Why does no one remember it? If he told me this before, then why don't I remember it? If anything, it kinda makes me uneasy. Well, maybe not just uneasy. At least I don't have to worry about Kenny dying on me or anything, if that is true. 

I heard Jack put a gun to Kenny's head a while back, before I was around. I mean, they all admitted it was true kinda. So maybe he can't die, anyone would've died if a bullet went through their head. Or maybe he didn't even got shot by Jack at all, maybe he couldn't do it. I don't care how sad I am, I couldn't shoot anybody. I don't think I could really kill anybody ever, or maybe I could. When push comes to shove, would I push or would I just back down? Would I be able to do it? I seriously hope I'm not the only person who thinks of this crazy shit while trying to go to sleep. 

Ya'know, Stan did seem kinda weird at the end of the conversation too. After Kenny started bringing up the plan and stuff, Stan just kinda disappeared. When he came back he just started to forget shit and acted weird or whatever. It really seemed like he wasn't thinking at all, or like he just really wasn't paying any kind of attention to the situation at all. It's kind of irritating really, I mean we're in this crazy situation of life and death and he doesn't even give a shit? Then again he's never really pegged me as that kind of person anyway. Maybe he's just tired or something, I don't know.

I cracked open my eyes, grabbing my phone that laid next to me. I looked at the time, it's 12:45. Oh my fucking God I am never going to go to bed am I? I might as well just be called an insomniac and never sleep again. That's not how insomnia works is it? Maybe I'm just stressed, yeah that's probably it. Too much stress getting to me and now I can't sleep. God, all my friends have something wrong with them or they're stressed out beyond belief or whatever. None of them are normal, at all. The only normal one is probably Wendy, and Token. Everyone else is just weird, or mean, or both. 

Still though, the are my friends and I do care about them, kinda. I mean, what can I do about it though? I'm just that kid who's got really powerful farts and never talks. No that's not true, I've talked once. I just don't like talking, my parents drilled it into my brain that I need to keep quiet and secretive. So I mean I'm keeping quiet, I can't spill any family secrets if I don't talk anymore. I really need to get to sleep before I freak myself out more than I already have. I just need to stop thinking. Stop thinking. Stop thinking. 

Stop thinking


	18. Stress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you didn't read the notice at the top of last chapter or you forgot that the notice happened, then SPOILERS for the episodes YOU'RE GETTING OLD and ASSBURGERS. Thank you :)

This morning has been the longest fucking morning of my life. When I woke up, I immediately almost threw my alarm clock out the window. Since I barely got in any sleep last night from sneaking out and having my head racing with thoughts, I feel dead today. Putting on clothes, even though I could've just transformed, was a complete fucking nightmare. I've head college kids pull all nighters back where I used to live, but God I got about five hours of sleep and I can barely function. I guess coffee is what keeps them running at this point. My book bag was laid right next to my desk and I grabbed it, throwing it over my shoulder. Why, why can't school just cancel because the making of a fucking Taco Bell? 

I grabbed my phone from it's charger and looked at it when it lit up. The group chat, like always, was swarming with texts. I can just check that in the boys bathroom or on my walk to school. I shoved it into my pocket and walked out of my bedroom to walk down the steps. When I got to the bottom, I was not greeted pleasantly."Champ, before you go to school we need to have a talk." Dad said, he was sitting on the couch next to mom. Honestly, I can't tell if mom looks sad or angry. Oh God did they catch me sneaking out? Can't this wait till after school? 

"We never specified how long your punishment of complete solitude is. Now we didn't hear anything from your room last night and when we came to check up on you, you were fast asleep. So in reward for that, you're free from punishment by tomorrow." Dad said. Oh my fucking God this is the worst time to be punished, but shit they went into my room last night to check on me? When was that? If they would've caught me out I would've been dead for sure. "We were going to make it for a week, but since you were so good yesterday we decide to make it just for the rest of today. Plus you usually are a good kid, and you never act out so we're going easy on you. Okay, sweetie?" Mom said with a sickly sweet tone. Out of all the fucking times to not lock the door, it had to be now. I could've not locked the door a couple weeks or so ago, but no. When something serious happens I'm suddenly in all of the trouble in the world. 

"We don't want to keep you up though, so that's all we wanted to say. Have a good day at school." Dad said, which was my cue to leave the house. "Don't forget to lock the door on your way out!" Mom shouted. I swear to God if I don't keep my mouth shut I will end up in a week's solitude. This is just cruel, I swear. I opened the door and locked it before walking out and closing it. I took a deep breath, everyone is gonna be so pissed off if I don't show up. Maybe I could sneak out again, but it'll be in the afternoon. With that, however, I started to walk my way down the road to get to my school.

How am I supposed to get to Token's house anyway? If I'm caught out I'm so dead, and they'll definitely check up on me. Maybe I could text the groupchat something about me being grounded still. Maybe they'll understand though, I mean they already know I'm grounded. I pulled out my phone and turned it on just to see the groupchat notifications. God for living in a quiet little mountain town I didn't think things would get so fucking crazy around here. Seriously, how did everything get so wrong? 

Tweek: Guys! Big PROBLEM!!!! >0<

Craig: what

Tweek: I can't come to school today man 

Tweek: I can't T-T

Jimmy: why not

Tweek: The police came to my house last night looking for me !-!

Token: No way 

Tweek: I'm serious man! They came to my front door last night and asked for the 'lightening kid'!! Anyone who showed powers might get in trouble! ;-; 

Kyle: What'd your parents say? 

Tweek: They assumed it was something about my ADD or the coffee or my behavior or something like that!! They bored them with my dad's talk about good coffee beans +0+ 

Kenny: So tht means they r going 2 Craigs house 2   

Clyde: & mine! 

Tweek: Oh God they're gonna use us for weapons in war and we're gonna get taken away from our families and never get heard from again!! +s+ 

Craig: Calm down 

Clyde: This is some serious shit! Well at least I'll be able to visit my mom! 

Kyle: Don't think like that guys! Everything is going to be fine, we're all going to be fine! Sure we've had one, maybe two, dangerous set backs but we'll be fine! 

Kenny: Guys lets all meet up by the new kids locker 

Oh my God, the police are already involved? And here I was supposed to be keeping a low fucking cover, oh my God. Oh my God this is really really bad, my parents are gonna freak the fuck out when they find out about this. Suddenly, I found myself coming to an abrupt yet complete stop accompanied by a pain in my head. I looked up from my phone to see that I had just ran into the school doors. I looked around, no one was watching or even around to witness the embarrassment. Still though, it was embarrassing for myself even if no one was around. I opened the front doors and walked in, quickly making my way over to my own locker. 

When I got there, everyone was already talking. Well, almost everyone really. Craig, Tweek, and Stan were missing from the group. I know where Tweek is, but where's Craig and Stan? Shouldn't they be considerate enough to be here for this? Especially Craig, he even answered in the chat! "New Kid, you're finally here. A little urgency please." Kyle said, his voice sounding peeved and panicked. I swear to fucking God now is not the time to be ripping on me because apparently I'm a slow walker or whatever. 

"Where's Craig and Stan?" Wendy asked, looking around. She looked extremely anxious, and I can't tell if that's because Stan isn't around or because she's just nervous about this whole situation. "Craig probably skipped to comfort Tweek. He's done it before." Clyde clarified. Huh, dedication at it's finest I guess. "And Stan?" Wendy asked. "Stan's not here because he's probably drinking his fucking problems away, now can we please get back to the fucking problem?!" Kyle shouted. Everyone was taken aback a bit, especially me. I don't know which part is more shocking, the thing he said about Stan or how angry he sounded. Stan's an alcoholic? Wait, is Kyle turning blue? 

"Kyle, calm down before you kill someone!" Token whispered in a shouting tone. "I'm trying okay?!" Kyle shouted at Token, and Token's expression went from fear to shock in a moment of seconds. Kenny started to glance around then walked over to Kyle's side. He leaned into Kyle's ear and whispered something that even if I could hear I wouldn't be able to understand. When Kenny pulled away, Kyle's blue glow disappeared and he sighed. His sigh was more like a sigh of defeat rather than calmness. What the hell did Kenny say to him? "I can't deal with this right now, I'm gonna go find Stan." Kyle said, defeated before turning away from the group and walking off. Did Kenny say something about Stan? I hope they both start to feel better soon, but really no one is feeling better at all.

"We'll talk about this at lunch, the bell is about to ring. I'm in all of the missing guy's homerooms so I'll make up something for them. We're canceling practice at my house and we'll talk about moving it later. At this point though, I don't think practice is gonna help us at all." Token said. With that, the five minute bell rang. Everyone immediately started to disperse quickly to their assigned homeroom classes. I did the same, following behind Token to get to my own homeroom. Damn, how did things even get this way? Everyone is so stressed and pissed off. I really hope everything is okay for everyone really soon.   
  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These babies are so sad and scared aw   
> Wonder what the four boys alone are doing tho ;)


	19. Everyone is Just Really Stressed Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again MAJOR SPOILERS for You're Getting Old and Assburgers.

Every moment, every single second, hour, minute, everything felt like ages today. In class, the clock felt like it ticked in slow motion. All my friends looked so anxious or unable to sit still. The teacher didn't really care though, didn't care about the four boys' absences in the class too. The air was heavy and dark, and I hated every second inside that class room. 

However, the class did end at some point even though it all became this blur by the time we all left the classroom. The lunch bell rang after an eternity of waiting, and jolted everyone to attention. So we all hurried to the cafeteria as fast as we could, but that's pretty normal. A lot of us didn't even bother getting our food out, we all just sat at one table as fast as we could. For once, I wasn't the last one to the table. Cartman was, he still wanted to eat a lunch.

When we all finally got here, no one really said anything. Usually the conversations come naturally as the chatter around us is as loud as usual. No one wanted to talk though, it almost felt like our mouths were glued shut from fear or something. If that makes any sense at all. "Are Stan and Kyle coming?" Clyde asked the first one to speak up out of all of us. "I-I hope s-so." Jimmy said. "They didn't come to class today." Timmy 'said' and no one answered him. God, what's happening to us? 

"Hey guys, sorry we're late." I perked up, we all did. Kyle had finally said something, he finally came back with Stan. However, they both carried the same air the rest of us did. Stan's eyes were to the floor and his cheeks were a light red color. As he walked, he stumbled over his feet, like he was loopy or something. Kyle just walked beside him though, he didn't look sad or anything. He looked kinda...mad. 

"Stan, are you alright?" Timmy 'asked' Stan, but Stan didn't answer. "He's fine. He didn't get much sleep, so what's the game plan? We go to Token's place, we train a little, then go take down Hindsight. Good?" Kyle asked, he sounded irritated. Stan sat down at the table, taking a seat next to me. Kyle didn't sit down, but his expression was still as stern and angry as it was this morning. 

I couldn't help but look at Stan, he looked awful. He wouldn't look back at me though, he was just twiddling his thumbs. "No, the problem is bigger now. There's the government involved and spying and all that stuff. Weren't you listening earlier?" Wendy asked. "Yeah I was! I just- I just forgot okay?" Kyle angrily protested. "Can't we all just get along?" Stan mumbled, barely even heard. He didn't even sound normal when he talked, his voice kind of hallow. 

"W-W-Why don't we t-t-talk about s-something e-else?" Jimmy asked. You know, that's probably the best idea. Everyone is just so stressed out and nervous, we just need a break from it all. "No Jimmy, we can't just talk about something else! The government is now looking for us, we don't know what we're doing, our powers aren't under control, and Freeman hasn't called us about getting a fucking cure! How can we not talk about that?!" Kyle shouted at Jimmy, his body glowing a bright blue. 

"Kyle calm down-" "Stop fucking screaming at everyone, Kyle! Just shut the fuck up!" Timmy tried to calm Kyle down, but Stan interrupted him with more screaming. Everyone stayed quiet after that, only for a second though. Someone has to do something fast, or else these two are going to start really fighting. What the hell happened back there when they weren't in class? 

Kenny stood up and marched his way over to Kyle's side. "Mmrph mmrph mmrph mmrph!" Kenny said, looking in my direction. I don't know what that means man I can't understand you! Kenny grabbed Kyle's wrist, then mumbled something to Kyle that I also could not understand. "No I'm fine Kenny! I don't need to take a breather!" Kyle thrashed like a child. I guess he wants me to take Stan somewhere? We were supposed to be talking about the fucking government not have everyone suffer from a mental break down! 

Stan looked hallow though, he wasn't saying anything anymore but his head was still down. I stood up, and Stan stood up as well. His face looked redder than it did before, was he crying? I felt a tug on my hand, and I looked down to see Wendy pulling at me. "Please, make Stan feel better alright? Kenny will take care of Kyle, and the rest of us will talk about fixing everything. So don't worry about this, just fix Stan okay? I'm counting on you New Kid." Wendy said, giving me a bit of a sad smile. The only thing I could really do is smile back at her. She let go of my hand, letting it fall back to my side.

I took Stan's arm and wrapped it around my shoulders for support. I don't know where to bring him, I guess to the playground? Lunch will end though, and then everyone will be around. I could go where the goth kids sit for now, maybe they'll let us stay for today. I walked Stan there as fast as I could, leaving through a back door so no teachers could see us. 

It was difficult to walk quickly with Stan like this, his steps are all wobbly and off. Maybe he was drinking, but why was he? This is how my mom was when she drank, I hope Stan doesn't end up how she did. The walk to the goth's spot was short, right outside the school really. The goths weren't here, which is surprising. I'm surprised they don't sneak out to eat lunch here. 

I slowly started to crouch down so I could sit Stan down on the ground and up against the wall. Once I got him situated, I sat down right next to him. I sighed in a mixture of relief and sadness. "Sorry about everything back there," Stan mumbled, his eyes to the ground, "I'm sorry, New Kid." "Kyle usually isn't like that, you know. He's nice, but he does get pretty mad sometimes when he's under pressure or about things he feels strongly about. He yelled at me too, you know. I'm sure he already blurted it out to you, but he caught me drinking." Stan said, a sad, small bit laughter following behind.

So it really is true, isn't it? Stan's a drunk, a drinker, an alcoholic. But why? Why do people do these things when it makes them so messed up and hurt so many people? I don't understand, what's the good thing in alcohol that makes people like it so much? I hate it, it smells awful and makes people awful. "He was pretty pissed off, yelled at me. He said that I should've just told him I was feeling down and not go to alcohol. But New Kid, the last time I did that he said I was too cynical and he started to hate me. So what am I supposed to do?" Stan asked me.

He finally looked up, and turned his expression to me. His eyes, they were red as tears just pooled down his face. He was snot nosed and all. Is this really what alcohol does to people? What's the point in drinking when it just turns people into this. He's just like my mom...just like my mom. I leaned over to his side and wrapped my arms around him. I held him as close to me as I could. I don't want him to drink anymore, I want him to be able to talk to someone who won't get mad at him. Even if I don't know how to answer, I'll still listen to him. I don't want him to suffer just like mom did. 

He rested his forehead on my shoulder, and I could feel the tears plopping onto my shirt. I don't really know how to comfort anyone, how to make anyone feel better. But I made Kenny feel better, so I hope I can make Stan feel better too. "Everything is so shitty, everyone is so shitty. Everything I see and hear it's all shit and the one thing that makes it all better is the drink that I got. I live like this, and no one even notices. I'm always so annoyed and upset but I tried to stop drinking and it worked. I didn't drink for so long and I was really recovering. Everything stopped looking so shitty, but then all of this happened and now..." Stan spoke, his voice a bit muffled by my shirt. 

I don't really know how to answer him with that, I've never known what it's like to be in this state. I know his dad is a serious drinker, and so was my mom, and so was Wendy's dad. I saw him at Crunchy's once, and Wendy commented over Coonstagram that he'd been there that whole day. So he's not alone in this fight, he just needs to talk to someone who can help him. He can talk to me too, but I can't be the only one. I know I'm not the only one, but I mean, someone who knows what he's going through I guess. 

Stan started to pull away from my body, and I let go of him. He looked at me, the tears weren't falling as much as before but his face was redder than before. "Thanks for listening to me, New Kid. I was just thinking, and I realized something. The reason why everything was so bad back there, why Kyle was so angry, it was my fault. Kyle was angry because of me and everything got all dramatic because of me, because I drank." Stan said, starting to stand up. I stood up as well. "I think I know what to do now, New Kid. Thank you for listening to me. I'm gonna go to the bathroom and wash my face, I'll see you at recess." Stan said, and with that he walked away from me. 

I was left here with a tear stained shirt and a good conscience.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At the end of the day. if you or a loved one is suffering from alcohol abuse then please get some help by going to your local AA meeting. It doesn't take much but it can save your life. With that said please don't let your fourth grade child drink because that's even worse.


	20. Anger Management Club

Everything is starting to look a little bit better, finally. After Stan went to the restroom I went back to the lunch table. Kyle, Kenny, Stan, Craig, and Tweek all weren't there so everyone who did discuss a game plan decided to tell us everything inside the group chat. Jimmy suggested for a second time that since we had an idea of what we were doing next, even if I didn't know it, we should take some time off. Almost like a form of a celebration because we weren't at each other's throats anymore. 

Stan came back towards the end of lunch, his face wasn't nearly as red as it had been. He said he was going to go home because he wasn't feeling well, which probably means he was still hung over. He left after that and I haven't talked to him since. After lunch ended, we all went out to recess to play football. Before we started to play, Kenny and Kyle came back to join us. Kyle started to act like normal Kyle again, I don't know what magic Kenny pulled but it must've been something good. Kyle never asked about Stan though. 

After recess ended, we all went back to class. Everything felt normal again, time moved normally again and we all were laughing and joking around. Once the school bell rang, signally the school day was over, we all started to run out like normal. Well, almost everyone. Once I had gotten to the front doors of the school, I got stopped by a hand on my shoulder. 

I turned around to look at whoever was touching me, and it was Kyle. I sucked in a breath, he's probably gonna ask about Stan. "Hey dude, you're heading home right? Let's walk together." Kyle said as we both stepped out of the school. Oh God if my parents catch me walking with him home then I'm probably gonna get in trouble for sure. Not much I can do though, looking at his face he doesn't seem like he's taking no for an answer. So, we both start to walk. 

The first couple seconds were quiet, he didn't say anything but he held onto his book bag straps tightly with his eyes to the ground. So obviously he doesn't want to have an idle conversation with me, fun. He looked over at me, his expression stern. I understand he's under a lot of pressure but damn he doesn't need to stare at me like that, it's kinda freaky. "Hey New Kid, I know you were helping out Stan." Kyle said, his eyes now returning to the path ahead of us. I gulped, oh God. 

"I'm sure he told you about what I told him, that he was just a cynical alcoholic and that he needs to just get his act together." Kyle admitted quietly. No I didn't really hear all of that but okay wow Kyle way to be a dickbag. "I heard that he looked like he just finished crying when he went home early. I saw the little wet drops on your shirt, so I guess it's true." Kyle admitted, his eyes now to his shoes as he walked. Why the hell am I in the middle of this?

"I want to tell him sorry for what I said, but I don't know if I can. I said some pretty shitty stuff back there and I didn't mean to yell at him. This is all just so stressful, you know? I wish I had Chief again, you never knew him but he was this guy who used to always help us out when we had a problem. Chief died though, and things just got a little harder without him. Kenny told me to come talk to you though, he said that even though you don't answer you make everyone feel better. I don't know how you do it New Kid." Kyle said. Well shit, I'm just a miracle worker aren't I? 

"So I was thinking, maybe you can help me out about Stan. I mean, Stan cried to you so you gotta be special right? I just wish I could help him, I just wish he wouldn't be like this anymore. It's so frustrating to the point that I can't even help him without yelling at him. He just makes me even madder when he's like that. I just...thought he was getting better but I guess not. Besides, doesn't he realize we're all stressed out too?! He hasn't even discovered his powers and he's freaking out worse than Tweek!" Kyle shouted angrily. 

"He's my best friend, I hate seeing him like that but I have too much shit to deal with to be taking care of him. This shit is freaking me out too you know. What do I do New Kid? Tell me!" Kyle shouted again, taking me aback. Well, first off maybe you should work on being so scary Kyle because no one's gonna help you out when you're yelling because you're scary. Expect for me, because I have nothing better to do and this is the last social interaction I can get today. Kyle obviously noticed me getting a little nervous, and he sighed.

"Sorry New Kid, I didn't mean to yell. I just-wait a second. My anger, Stan cried because I got mad. Everyone got set back because I got angry, everything just got worse because I ended up getting angry right? Maybe the reason why Stan didn't talk to me was because I kept getting angry at him whenever he tried to. Especially when he first started getting bad, all I did was push him away. He needs me, I need me. My anger just makes everything worse, doesn't it?" Kyle said, practically floored by this little self discovery he had. 

"The more I stress about all of this the anger I get and the worse it gets. People start distancing themselves because they're afraid and then that gets worse and before I know it everything is worse than it should've been because I got mad!" Kyle said, sounding a bit excited. I don't know what's so great about realizing he needs anger management but whatever gets you going. I don't know why he needed to talk to me to realize this though. I think he had it in him, that fact, the entire time. I guess he just didn't want to get a second opinion on it, he just needed to find his own second opinion on it. He might've not wanted to talk to himself about it, even though that's what he needed most. 

"Thank you for listening to me, New Kid. I'm gonna go talk to Stan and see what I can do." Kyle said, raising his hand in the air. What, does he want to high five? I hit his hand with mine, and he smiled. "See ya New Kid!" Kyle said before taking a left to get to Stan's house which is the exact opposite of where I need to go. I sighed in relief, thank God he left before I got home. God, today has been so exhausting and all I've done is listen to people yell at each other and cry to me about their problems. I'm glad they feel better, but man is it tiring. 

I don't know why people need to go to other people to get their answers though. They already know how they feel and what they want before they even talk to someone and when they talk to someone they give a different answer than what they wanted to hear which confuses them. Everyone just needed a little self reflection is all, but for some reason they need to 'seek advice' because they don't think they have the answer. I guess that's why all three of them, Kenny, Kyle, and Stan all talked to me about their problems. Kyle and Stan knew what to do but just didn't want to admit it to themselves so they wanted my 'second opinion' even though they knew they weren't gonna get one. So they used what they knew the answer was and must've pretended I said the same thing through my body motions or something. 

With Kenny he- wait- what did he talk to me about again? He called me to his house, talked to me about a game plan, and I know he talked to me about something. God what did he tell me again?  I don't remember, that's weird. I don't think I can forget something that important that quickly can I? I guess because of all this stress I kinda...forgot. Before I even realized it, I had made it to my home. I looked at it up and down, then sighed. God damn it, why can't I just walk as slow as the guys say I do for once? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's see we got Kyle's emotion confession, Stan's, and Kenny's. Now all I have left is Cartman's (;


	21. Time Change

When I got home, my parents weren't downstairs like they normally were. I guess I'm not even allowed to see them? How cruel is this damn punishment supposed to be anyway. On the kitchen counter there was a plate and a note for me. It said 'sorry sweetie, here's your dinner. -Mom and Dad'. Wow, this is a strange and cruel punishment. I took the food off the counter and crumpled up the note, throwing it in the trash. I swear to God who punishes their kids like this? I guess they are still paranoid about locked doors and security after all. 

I took my stuff, along with my plate, upstairs to my bedroom. When I got up to my room, I threw my bag on the ground and placed my food on the nightstand. Once I was completely free from holding things, I practically tackled my bed. God I just wish I could go to sleep and never have to wake up to all this stress, maybe tomorrow when I wake up all of this will be fixed and finished. I find my eyes closing due to this thought and a smile creeping onto my face. Maybe a little nap won't hurt...

Unfortunately, as I started to doze off my phone buzzed in my pocket. I groaned, rolling off my stomach and onto my back. All of this socialization is wearing me out, even though I'm not even allowed to be socializing. Kinda funny isn't it? The most socialization I've ever gotten has come from a time when I'm not even supposed to. Weird how life works that way, I guess. I pulled my phone out of my pocket, the light shining in my eyes. I squinted my eyes in response, even though it wasn't even all that bright. The group chat was buzzing obnoxiously, I better turn off my ringer. 

Kyle- Anything new happened Tweek with the government? 

Tweek- Nu-uh! :D They haven't come back! 

Clyde- is Craig w/ u? (; 

Craig- I am 

Kenny- how do we no tht the gov wont come 2 our homes

Stan- we dnt no 

Wendy- We made a plan today at lunch. Freeman's Tacos is a restaurant so people are usually there. Tonight we all sneak out at around closing time and go see Morgan Freeman about reversing our powers. If he can then we can just prove to the government we have no powers and make Captain Hindsight look stupid! 

Kyle- What if we can't control them? 

Token- then we go 2 Cpt Hindsight's house and confront him 

Butters- Our powers come from our feelings!! 

Token- & they seem 2 b abt anger 

Kyle- Or something that's the heat of the moment right? 

Clyde- right (;;;;;

Wendy- He's a good guy, he's usually not like this. I've looked into his private life and he just wants to help people. There's no real reason why he did this. We might not even need to use them, but maybe we do. If we do then we have Clyde, Tweek, and Kyle at least to help fight.

Kyle- Woah wait I didn't agree to this! 

Tweek- We have to Kyle! We'd just let our friends die if we don't help them! We gotta take action! We need to protect them! ^o^

Craig- (: 

Craig- come on Kyle dont b a wuss

Kyle- What about everyone else? They just sit back at watch? 

Kenny- no we wont we r gonna work on our own powers 2day in our free time so in case MF cant help us we can protect ourselves

Kyle- When are we leaving then to go see Morgan Freeman? 

I looked up from my phone when I heard footsteps and a door close. I turned my phone off and threw it under my pillow then grabbed my dinner and started to shove food into my mouth. My door opened slowly and I saw my mom peeking into my room. She didn't say anything to me, she just stared at me awkwardly. I just kept eating, trying to keep the awkward feeling to a minimal. My mom then just slowly closed the door and I could hear her footsteps going down the steps to go downstairs. Phew, thank God I didn't get caught. I pulled my phone out from under my pillow, man I'm gone for one minute and the messages are just flowing. 

Token- idk 

Stan- get NK 2 fart us 2 the night like he did ltr

Kyle- Good idea! Everyone start heading to New Kid's house and he'll bring us to tonight. 

Oh my God I haven't farted since this whole incident started and I don't really know if I'm ready or not. If anything I'm kinda scared to use my farting abilities after this whole thing. Maybe I'll pass out again, or maybe I'll die from it. Maybe I'll fracture my butthole again and never be able to use my powers again. I'm...kinda freaking out but I know the guys are on their way. If my parents see my friends here then I'm screwed for sure, but I kinda sorta never want to fart ever again. Come on me, don't be such a wuss. I'll be fine...I hope. 

Wait, I forgot I gotta turn on my fan first. I walked over to my closet and rummaged around, I know I have a tiny fan around here somewhere. Aha, there it is! I pulled a tiny fan from outside my closet and put it down on my desk, plugging it into an outlet in the wall. Okay, now I just need to focus on changing the time. Okay...day to night...day to night...day to night. I clenched my buttcheeks hard, and started to push one out. 

I could feel it rumbling inside my stomach, my head starting to feel light. Oh come on don't do this to me now! I don't wanna die damn it! I clenched my buttcheeks tighter and started to push the fart out. Day to night, day to night, day to night. I could hear it, and smell it, start to enter into the air. Alright, it's almost done, just gotta let it out. I unclenched my buttcheeks and felt myself jolt up from a surge of power and energy running through my body. I could see out the corner of my eye as I stood up in the air for a while, the sun was starting to quickly go down and the stars were starting to appear. In a matter of seconds the time went from day to night.

Instead of landing on my feet, I fell straight on my ass. It felt kind of sore, but not too sore. It's not as bad as I thought it would be but honestly I didn't think I'd even survive doing that since I guess I haven't fully recovered. I stayed seated on the ground for a minute, if I did this right mom and dad should be coming upstairs in their pajamas to tell me goodnight. Or rather to let me know they're going to bed, or something. I don't really know. Just as I said something, I heard a sound coming from my door. 

My dad poked his head in the door and smiled a little. "We're going to bed. Night." He said, closing the door behind him. Wow, I'm surprised he even told me goodnight at all. I grabbed my phone from off my bed and looked at the lockscreen, it was 11 p.m at night. I sighed with relief, thank God that worked. Hopefully since I've been so good to my parents today maybe they won't check on me tonight because honestly I don't know how long I'll even be at Freeman's Tacos. I rubbed my heavy eyes, even the sudden time change effected me. Maybe that's because I just used my farting powers again, maybe not. I'll never know. 

My screen lit up, the group chat was texting. 

Butters- He did it!! 

Kyle- You think our parents are sleeping right now? 

Stan- prolly 

Kenny- how close r u guys

Butters- Here!!

Stan- u live right next 2 him tho 

Token- Kenny u r the only 1 not here yet besides Buttlord 

Kenny- omw

I guess that's my cue to get the hell on out of here. I stood up, oh God I immediately regret doing that. My ass was not prepared to stand up yet it feels just like it did when it got probed. This is a God damn nightmare I swear to God, the guys are gonna think I'm gay for sure now! I slowly made my way over to my window and opened it. I looked down, and everyone was under my window, even Kenny was there! Everyone was dressed in their superhero costume though. Oh God you gotta be fucking kidding me. "Come on New Kid! Get changed!" Stan shouted, standing on his own to feet. I smiled, glad he's feeling better. 

I spun around and around, immediately changing my clothes in a blanket of sparkles. My outfit immediately changed to my superhero costume. "How do you do that?!" Butters asked. If I knew, I would tell him the answer. I walked to the window again and looked down. Kyle man I really need your help to bring me down, you do realize that right? What you want me to Rapunzel my ass down? I don't think so. "Oh right, I'll come get you New Kid." Kyle said, and suddenly he appeared inside my room. And my powers are weird? Whatever man. 

He climbed onto my back and I climbed onto the edge of the window. "Ready New Kid?" Kyle asked, and I nodded at him. "Don't do that, you're gonna get yourselves killed!" Tweek shouted, pulling at his hair. I jumped off the window, feeling Kyle's kite on his back catching the wind. Half way down I farted, trying my best to soften the fall as well as Kyle's kite. Once we hit the ground, it was just like jumping off the concrete ground and back onto the concrete ground. When I stood up straight, Kyle back flipped off of my back. Show off. 

"I wish my Buddy System was that cool." Butters said. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk how much longer I plan on dragging the plot on with but let's just say we're over half way done I'd say.


	22. Unhelpful

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for anyone who actually reads these  
> Hi how are ya? I hope you have a magnificent day and if your day is almost over by the time you're reading this then  
> uh  
> hi  
> good talk  
> bye

"I pulled out my hair!" Tweek screeched outside my widow, holding a clump of bright blonde hair in his hand. Kyle turned his attention over to the panicked blonde and put his finger on his own lips to indicate Tweek to shut the fuck up because I don't wanna get grounded again for God's sake. Tweek nodded vigorously before looking down at the hair in his hand. "What do I do with this?" Tweek asked in a broken whisper, and Kyle shrugged at him. Tweek shrugged and shoved his torn hair inside his pocket. Okay...weird. 

"Come on, let's go before New Kid's parents wake up." Stan whispers, beckoning us as he walked away from my house. Everyone listened, following behind him like it was follow the leader. Looks like Stan is starting to feel a little better, that's good. Kyle seems less tense too, and that's good too. It feels a little easier to be around all of them again, and thank God for that. I swear I thought we were gonna choke on the tense, thick air around us. 

We all walked down the streets of South Park. They weren't nearly as bad as I remember them to be when there was cheese in their drugs and alcohol. All I remember is that everyone was out in the streets fighting or fucking and there was no in between. Now there's just a few hobos walking around and clinging to their spots that they made as their 'home'. It's quiet, and oddly peaceful for once. 

"So you think Freeman's Tacos will be open?" Wendy asked. "Let's hope so. It's not too late into the night so it'd be quite shocking if it was closed." Timmy 'responded'. "I could go for a good taco right now. I love tacos." Clyde said. "You sure you want a taco that made you get superpowers?" Token asked him. "Well duh! Good taste and good benefits! It's a dream come true!" Clyde shouted excitedly. "I wouldn't consider this good benefits, buddy." Token said, and Clyde shrugged. "Guys, what if the police find us and take us to a military base or something? They are following us!" Tweek panicked. 

"Don't worry about it. We're kids with powers and we're out in the middle of town together. They'd be dumb if they tried something, and then dead." Craig said in a monotone voice. "A-A-Aw c'mon. We could p-p-p-possibly kill them." Jimmy said, and Craig shrugged. "It'd be self defense." Craig said. "Guys, I just thought of something. We have crocodile shoes right? Do you think if crocodiles were anthropomorphic they'd wear human leather shoes?" Clyde asked randomly. What the fuck Clyde. "What the hell does anthropomorphic even mean?" Stan asked. 

"It's like animals that have human qualities. Like talking and standing on two legs." Clyde said. "So like the characters in the movie Zootopia?" Kyle asked. "Yeah! Exactly!" Clyde exclaimed. "I never got to see Zootopia." Kenny mumbled. "You should've dude. It was great." Token said. "You only liked it because the movie was about racism." Craig said with a shrug. "Craig!" Tweek squeaked, and I couldn't help but laugh a little. Everyone's attention suddenly snapped over to me, and I was the Star of the Show. 

"Holy shit dude." Craig said, his mouth wide open. ...Why is everyone staring at me? "He made a noise." Kyle said, like it was the craziest thing in the world. They act like I haven't said a word at all, I mean that's crazy. I do talk, just not often. "Wow." Stan said. Jesus Christ this is making me really uncomfortable I swear to God. "Well jee, we haven't heard your voice at all! This is pretty neato!" Butters beamed. It's not that big of a deal, I just don't talk often. Why are they acting like hell has frozen over? It's kinda freaking me out. 

Before anyone could say anything else, we found ourselves in front of Freeman's Tacos. The lights were on inside, and the only person inside was the owner himself. Thank God, I'm sick of them gawking at me, if they were to do so any longer I think I'd just tell them all to- "Freeman! We need to talk!"  Before I could finish my thought process, I was interrupted by Kenny's shouted as the front door slammed open. 

Morgan Freeman slowly looked up and didn't look too phased at all. "Boys, I assume your powers haven't gone away?" Morgan Freeman asked. "No, and they're getting hard to control. I almost blew up these guys with my eye lasers at school." Kyle said, looking a bit guilty. Stan glanced over at him, but Kyle didn't return the glance. "The feds are following us too! They showed up at my house!" Tweek panicked. Craig placed his hand on Tweek's shoulder, and Tweek only glanced at Craig. 

"I see. This is more serious than I thought." Morgan Freeman continued, "Did you boys visit Hindsight?" "Yeah, we did. He helped some of us to control them a bit, but not all of us." Kenny said. "Hm. Well if you came here for good news then you're going to be disappointed. Unfortunately I couldn't find a reverse for what's happened. Not only that but it isn't going away with time. You boys are in quite a pickle." He said, although he didn't seem apologetic at all. 

"That's it? That's all you're gonna fucking say?" Stan said, clenching his fist slightly. Oh no. "You gave Buttlord a burrito and you didn't know what it would do. You used him as a guinea pig and now we're all fucked up thanks to YOU. And you're not even gonna help us at all?" Stan asked, moving closer to the counter. "I can see why you are angry but I did try everything." Morgan Freeman said. "Oh really? Really? You didn't eat it did you?" Stan said, getting angrier and angrier. Oh God. 

"I'm not nearly as powerful as your Buttlord, he nearly died after eating it. Why would I kill myself for no reason?" Morgan Freeman asked. "Are you serious?! He got a little woozy, that's it! The most it would've done is put you out of commission for a few days! You just don't want to take that risk, do you?" Stan shouted, everyone glancing around each other panicked. "Stan-" "Shut it, Kyle! This guy doesn't care about helping us at all!" Stan shouted. "Stan, just calm down okay?! Why don't we talk things out rationally?! Anger doesn't solve anything!" Kyle tried to say in a calming tone. 

"That's not what you were thinking when you yelled at me today!" Stan said, turning his attention away from Morgan Freeman and to Kyle. Oh my God when will they stop fighting? This isn't the time! "Stan, you need to calm down!" Kenny shouted, then with a lift of his cape a dark purple mist came from out his body. The mist quickly wrapped around Stan and pulled Stan over towards him. Stan bumped into Kenny, and the collision of their bodies was so strong that Stan fell to the ground. 

"Look, see? We're all having problems from this. Emotionally, physically, politically I guess too. We need help Freeman, we're all turning against each other one by one." Kenny said as Stan slowly got back up on his feet. "I didn't mean to get mad..." Stan mumbled to himself, and Kyle walked over to his side. "You have to try something, anything Morgan Freeman. Please, you have to help us." Kyle pleaded, glancing over at Stan. Stan returned his glance. 

"...Fine. I'll admit I wasn't trying very hard because I thought that this would last as long as a high from regular cheesing but I was wrong. I don't know how well I can help you boys at this, you all might be stuck with these powers forever. Maybe a different burrito will maybe reverse the effects of the Cheesy Burrito. Stop by the shop again in a few days and I'll tell you what I find." Morgan Freeman said in his usual calm manner. "What about the government? They'll still be searching for us in the meantime, Hindsight ratted us out." Wendy said. 

"I heard about that on the news. Maybe I can give the mayor a call about the subject and convince her to hold back on government forces with you boys. Maybe even convince her that it was all just fake news. I'll try my best." Morgan Freeman said, and we all had a mutual sigh of relief together. Well, there goes the major stress from all of this, collectively leaving our tense bodies.  "Thank you Morgan Freeman." Kyle said, smiling a little. "You're welcome boys. And I'm sorry I couldn't be helpful this time around. Next time you all will be happily pleased, I assure you." Morgan Freeman said. 

"Let's hope so." Stan said, sounding a bit defeated and tired. "Well, you boys should be leaving. It's almost closing time and if you're here during closing time then that's trespassing. The government would love to find you all acting out so they could take you you know." Morgan Freeman said, and a silent yelp of panic came from one of us. It was probably Tweek, he's terrified of the government. "Alright, well thank you again." Kyle said, and with that all of us turned around to take our leave. 


	23. Malaria

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Major spoilers for The Stick of Truth hahhaha im sorry

One thing I've noticed ever since I started living in this quiet little mountain town. It's no where near quiet, at all. My family and I came here to get away from people, to feel more comfortable and to not constantly be looking over our shoulders for the government like immigrants without a green card. My very first night here I got abducted and probed my aliens. To this day I still don't know what the fuck happened to that probe. The second day I ended up sniffing a powdery substance that made me really small or large again. I fought nazi aborted fetuses, I gave my friend's dad an abortion, and fought my nazified version of my friend. In the span of around two or three days. 

Of course what can you expect from a quiet little mountain town? When I got here I expected to have very friends, to get all the sleep I've ever wanted and maybe pull up my grades a bit since I settled in such a small town. Since I've moved here I've never been more traumatized, more petrified, more sleep deprived, and overall more stressed in my entire life. This is the last thing I would've ever wanted or expected to happen in this quiet little mountain town I moved to. Though, I'm still glad I moved here. 

I didn't expect to have so many friends in my entire life and to have them come to me with problems and needing of advice and stuff. They've really changed me in these past few weeks I've been living in this town. I could never replace any of them for the world, not at all. ...However that still doesn't change the fact that I currently want to kill them. Ever since these powers have happened I either can't sleep or they won't let me sleep because we go on some weird ass fucking missions. I haven't had a proper night's sleep since I moved here. 

So I lay here, the morning light shining into my bedroom through the window. My eyes are bloodshot, my consciousness is fading yet I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. I can't sleep at all, and I've never had sleeping problems like this before. I think I only slept for, what, four hours last night? Once I sneaked back into my room and who knows what time, there was too much adrenaline running through my body for me to even properly sleep at all. I couldn't even relax properly. So, what's the rational thing for me to do? Stay home, get some well deserved rest and not worry about anyone or anything until I'm fully awake. 

But what does the me that's wrapped up in stupid situations do? Get dressed for school. What else do I do? Actually go to school, and try to fucking pay attention. I seriously feel so bad for insomniacs, I can barely keep my head up and I've gotten more sleep than an insomniac ever dreams of. Haha, they don't get to dream because they're not sleep long enough to even-yeah. That- that was just a terrible joke. 

That joke was even more terrible than this fucking class. The teacher just keeps going on and on about space, or whatever. Who cares about space? We barely even know things about our oceans and we're trying to make sense of things that aren't on earth? That's like- the exact opposite of what my teachers told me to do with my school work. Finish everything one at a time, don't do too many things at once or it'll be half assed. Take notes NASA. 

"Alright class, what is the first planet in order from the sun?" The teacher, who I can't be bothered to remember the name of, said. The whole class sat in silence for an uncomfortably long time. "Kids I'm not going to tell you, you all need to learn to answer when spoken to. It's rude if you don't answer your superiors." She said, a defeated look on her face. I'm pretty sure she just doesn't want to admit that we don't remember it at all. Why am I awake for this anyway? "Kids, it's the things that are right next to the sun." She pointed to the bright light from the open window. We know what planets are, we're not stupid. We just don't remember their names. 

She stared at us for another long, awkward period of time. Her face slowly started to turn stern as she ran her hand through her hair. "Alright if you don't want to answer me then that's alright. Take out a loose leaf piece of paper and a blue or black pen. You can answer to the paper. Write down all the planets in order from the sun. When you're finished bring it to me." She said. "Oh God...I haven't looked at that at all..." Clyde panicked, shuffling around in his book bag to try and get a quick cheat sheet or something. Man, poor bastard. 

We all pulled out a sheet of paper and placed it on our desks. "You have ten minutes. Go." She said, and pens started moving. Looking around the room, I finally can safely say who's actually a good student and who's not. There's people like Kyle and Butters who are just working normally and quickly, they've clearly studied this. Fucking over achievers, who studies in advance anyway? Craig is working pretty seriously too, but he's just a space nerd so I'm not surprised. 

Then there's people like Kenny and Cartman. It's clearly obvious that Cartman is looking over at the sheet of the person next to him to get the answers. The only reason why he isn't busted is because our teacher is too busy looking at her computer screen to actually make sure we're even paying attention. Then there's Kenny. Kenny, of course, is now taking complete advantage of his new found power that he got from last night. If I stare at him for a long enough time, I can see there's a light, dark purple mist crawling it's way over to his book bag to pull a paper towards him. Sneaky, lucky bastard.

Then there's the poor souls like Clyde and Stan. Stan looks like he's about to have a heart attack, or throw up, from this stress. He probably planned to cram like the rest of us but doesn't have the heart to cheat, or just doesn't have anyone around him like Kyle. Poor bastard. I almost feel kinda bad for him. Now Clyde on the other hand- wait what the fuck? Clyde is panicking pretty badly, Tweek levels of panic. But the more he panics....oh no. The window is left wide open for 'sunlight' but now mosquitoes are flying in like it's no one's business. 

Before anyone even realizes it, Clyde is starting to hold a swarm of mosquitoes on his body. Oh my God, this day just got ten times more interesting. "No! Shit! Go away!" Clyde whispered, trying to flick the mosquitoes off but to no avail. I could barely keep my laughter in, covering my mouth with my hand to do my best to not burst into a fit. It was kind of a cycle really, he's panicked over the test which causes mosquitoes to come and then that causes him to panic more so more mosquitoes come for him. Damn, again poor guy. 

"Clyde! Control your mosquitoes!" Stan whispered to him. "I can't!" Clyde tried to defend himself, but really he's kinda in a bit of a pickle. Suddenly, a purple mist slithered it's way to Clyde, wrapping it's self around the desk Clyde sat at. I looked at Kenny, who looked like his attention was to the paper but his eyes were glued to his mist. Is he controlling that or is it uncontrollable? Clyde's desk was quickly pulled backwards, slamming into the desk of the person of front of him. "What is going on?!" The teacher asked, before her words were cut short. 

The mosquitoes jumped off of Clyde's body when his desk collided with the person's behind his. "Oh my God! How did all these mosquitoes get in here?!" She shrieked, walking up to Clyde to try and swat them away. At this point, I can feel my face going red while holding my breath. If I laugh then I am going to the counselors and to hell, which one is worse is still up for debate though. 

"Can I use the restroom? I don't wanna get malaria." Clyde said, already standing up from his desk. "Clyde you're not gonna get malaria from these mosquitoes. Besides, what did you do to your desk?" She asked, distracted by the task of trying to get rid of the mosquitoes that were now settling back onto Clyde's body. "I need to use the restroom ma'am! Please!" Clyde pleaded with her, and she gave him a defeated sigh but still never made eye contact. "Why are all the mosquitoes stuck on you?!" She asked him, and Clyde shrugged. Fear ever present in his eyes. I don't think she realizes she's making things worse for him. 

"Because they want to give me malaria!" Clyde shouted, and I couldn't help but snort at that. I swear, all of us are about to lose it. Some of us from laughter, others from fear. Next to Clyde sat Stan, who I've never seen look more terrified in my life. He was subconsciously scratching at his old mosquito bites from when we first got our powers. Stan scooted his desk to touch the desk of the person next to him, trying to stay as far away from Clyde and his mosquitoes as possible. 

"Clyde they don't want to give you malaria! Go to the bathroom Clyde, I'm calling the principal." She said, and with that Clyde immediately stood up. He made his way out of the row and to the classroom door as quickly as he could go without breaking into a sprint. The mosquitoes followed behind him. "Jesus Christ they're following him?!" She asked, but before she could even think of stopping him he was already out the door along with all the mosquitoes. 

She sighed, walking back to her desk and taking a seat. "Forget the quizzes, that was enough for me. I'm sure Clyde will be fine, but I'm not closing that window until those mosquitoes are gone. They didn't bite him so I'm sure he can take care of the bugs himself right?" She asked, but mainly she was asking herself and not us. The class was mixed with all different types of emotions. Some of us were snickering from what just happened, mainly the ones who knew about Clyde's power thought this was funny. Me included. 

Some of us just looked relieved, whether it be because the quiz got canceled or the fact that the mosquitoes are gone is unknown. Man, poor Stan, that was probably the most stressful ten or so minutes of his life. Others look just plain old horrified by what the hell just happened, but I mean I would be too if I didn't know if Clyde would be okay. "...Is Clyde okay?" A girl asked with light brown hair and a green jacket, my eyes couldn't help but shift over to the forming conversation. "He's fine. Clyde was just a bit stressed." Kyle said to the girl. In the corner of my eye though, I could see Cartman shuffling around in his desk for a few seconds. Almost like he was uncomfortable. 

"I would be too if I had bugs stuck to me." She said, a small smile on her face. She seems...nice? Kyle smiled too, and Cartman shuffled a little more. Suddenly, the classroom door opened to all of our surprise. Clyde had entered the room again, and there were no bugs in sight. "Good news guys, I don't have malaria." Clyde said, a smirk on his face. "Damn it." Craig said from the back of the classroom. "Where'd the mosquitoes go?" Wendy asked. "Flew away, they're all gone now because I saved the day." Clyde said, his nose up in the air as he sat at his desk. He's the one that caused the mosquitoes yet he saved the day...that makes sense how? 

With that, the bell rang which signal the start of lunch and thank God for that. "Alright class, I'll see you all after lunch. In the meantime I'll see what we can do to make sure that...bug infestation never happens again." The teacher said as we all gathered our stuff to leave. Well, that's one way to wake up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A little backstory behind this chapter  
> When I first started this story one of the very first concepts I had in my head was "I wonder how these boys would react with these powers?" after the initial freak out they'd probably be complete assholes about it. Not only that but some of them would really suck to have. I think this was one of the very first ideas I had for this story and tho it doesn't relate to the plot it's just harmless fun. I think I thought of this like a month ago at 3 a.m so if it's kinda weird then yeah sorry.


	24. Back to Square Negative One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> spoiler for the episode Reverse Cowgirl although if you play TFBW with Clyde in your party it spoils this episode for you anyway in random dialogue SO

"No, I'm serious! Mosquitoes were all over his body and he ran out the classroom screaming and crying his eyes out about how he's gonna get malaria." Cartman said, cackling like the wicked witch of the west. "I was there dude, I know what happened and he did not run out the class crying." Kyle retorted calmly. Ever since lunch started, which was I'd say five minutes ago, everyone at this school has been talking about the mosquitoes. Clyde, surprisingly, is soaking up the attention like a 'mosquito sucking on blood'. Instead of getting bullied, he's asked if he's okay and stuff like that. 

"If I could get hot chicks to be all over me I'd be soooo happy." Craig said nasally, in his normal tone of voice. I glanced over at Tweek, and his attention was turned to mine too. He casually shrugged and turned back to his lunch. Damn, I always pegged him to be super paranoid and jealous if Craig so much as breathes around anyone. You know, the stereotypical anxious boyfriend. Well, good thing for them that I was wrong I guess.

"It's great. All the girls love me." Clyde beamed, causing half of us to roll our eyes. Then again, only half of us were here. Suddenly, Clyde fell out of his chair with his ass slamming onto the ground in a thud. A purple mist was fading away from his body on the ground, retreating to the owner of said mist who was walking right up to the back of Clyde. Everyone busted out laughing at the lunch table, and I could swear that I saw tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

"Hey, who did that?!" Clyde asked, looking around as his voice cracked. There was a girlish, muffled giggle coming from the parka wearing kid himself as he went to take a seat next to Clyde. I still really can't get over the fact that Kenny, Mysterion, is also Princess Kenny. Princess Kenny! What the hell! Get you a man who can do both I guess, but shit I don't think anyone means that literally. He is straight, cis, male right? That's what it said on his coonstagram sheet. 

"Hey, guys? I don't mean to be a stick in the mud but what do we do now?" Stan asked, and everyone's attention was turned to him. "What do you mean?" Wendy asked. "Well-I mean- with Morgan Freeman and everything. He can't help us, well not with the powers, so what do we do?" Stan asked. "We're basically back at square one. Expect worse, because at square one we didn't have the government on our asses!" Tweek panicked.

"Morgan Freeman said he'd keep the police off of our backs, somehow. I mean, he's famous so it should be fine." Token said. "Okay great the police are gone, but what about Hindsight? He betrayed us and we gotta get back at him for that. Plus maybe we should clear our names maybe?" Stan suggested, taking a bite of a french fry. "Okay first we don't need to clear our names, it's not that serious and no one is talking about it. Second, we don't need to get revenge, but we should confront him about it." Kyle said.

"And say what? 'hey you kinda ratted us out to the police not cool dude'?" Craig asked. "Well no, we'd just get him to make a statement online about how it was fake news or something. Problem solved." Wendy suggested. "Well what about the powers themselves? That still leads us back to square one, if anything we're back tracking right now." Clyde pointed out. "Morgan Freeman said he was going to figure something out for us, he always clears up plot issues." Token said. "Dude, plot issues? You act like we're in a story or something." Craig said, and the table went silent for a moment. 

"S-S-So when are w-w-we talking to him?" Jimmy asked. "Which him? Morgan Freeman or Captain Hindsight?" Kyle asked. "B-b-b-both." Jimmy confirmed. "We can go to Captain Hindsight's first, get him to publicly speak about how it was all fake so we can get rid of any problems we've been having. Then we go see Morgan Freeman because by that point he should, hopefully, have a fix to all of this." Wendy clarified. I still can't believe I'm getting chased down by the police and my parents still haven't said a word about it. 

"Mmmrph mmrph comply mmrph." Kenny mumbled, at least I caught one word. That's a whole new record. "If he doesn't comply then we can just...I don't know- rough him up a little." Stan said with a shrug. "Well jee fellas, I really don't wanna hurt him." Butters said, fidgeting with his hands. "We could always just have New Kid fart in his face." Timmy suggested, and everyone turned their attention to me. Oh no, no no no no no, I am not doing this again. I ate food that was vomited on last time we did this and my ass felt sore for a really long time after that! I do not wanna do this again, even my own toxic farts make me queasy. 

"Hey, that's a good idea!" Kyle shouted, smiling. We're really not doing this again, are we? "Why? We can just beat him until he gives us what we want." Cartman suggested casually and the floor was now to him. "What? No! We don't want to hurt him!" Kyle shouted, prompting Cartman to role his eyes. "Okay, but when your farts don't work then what? That's a stupid plan!" Cartman shouted. "It worked on you, didn't it fatass?" Kyle retorted it. Oh my God not this again. "I had just been mind controlled by Mitch Conner and you all beat me up! I was weak!" Cartman defended himself. 

"Oh my God here we go again- Mitch Conner was you! We're not stupid Cartman-" "Calm down Kyle. Fighting like this isn't worth the trouble. If we hurt him then we're more likely to get into trouble, so we're going to use the New Kid's powers to knock him into his senses as per usual." Timmy 'said'. Okay, I did not agree to this. I seriously do not understand why I have to torture myself to torture some guy who ratted us out to the police. Why does no one ask me if I'm okay with this? They kinda just throw me along for the loop. 

"Mmrph mmrph do this?" Kenny mumbled. Wow, I understood two words this time, I am just on a fucking roll today. "We don't have school tomorrow, so we can just do it tomorrow morning." Stan suggested. "Who the hell is up in the morning on a Saturday?" Clyde asked, genuinely looking confused. "...Productive people, Clyde." Craig said, and I still can't tell if he's annoyed. Nope- he just flipped Clyde off- he's annoyed. "My mom wakes me up every morning and I don't really do anything on the weekends, then again if I don't get up early enough then I'm grounded. Just get your mom to wake you up, Clyde!" Butters said, a cheerful tone in his voice. 

Clyde had the most painful smile on his face I have ever seen. "Butters-" Clyde started to say, but cut himself off as tears welled in his eyes but that smiled stayed. I don't know whether to laugh or be concerned for him. "Anyway- tomorrow at 10 a.m we can just all meet up at the Freedom Pals' base and leave from there." Token said, taking a sip of apple juice. "Sounds good dude." Clyde said, his voice cracking even though he was still smiling. Is-is he alright? Are we just not going to talk about this? 

Shortly after that, the bell signally the end of lunch came. Everyone started to stand up, getting out of their seats. "Last one to the field has to sit out the game!" Stan shouted, and everyone started dashing out the cafeteria. "F-Fuck you guys! you know I can't run that fast!" Cartman shouted, the last one out of his chair and the slowest runner out of all of us. 

If I had to choose one weakness for Cartman, it'd be weight. 


	25. Snapchat sucks kinda

One of the blessings of having parents that aren't so protective over me to the point that they'll lock me away forever anymore, they won't keep me locked up longer than a day. When I got home from school my parents greeted me with a nice tone in their voices for once and let me know that I was officially ungrounded so I could go and play all day if I wanted. Though, I really don't want to hang out with the guys, and Wendy, right now. They're all my great friends but I really just need a break to lay down, relax, maybe even take a nap. 

Yeah, a break really does sound nice right about now. Some me time, just a bit to relax a little and feel well rested for once. I don't know how those guys hang out with each other 24/7 without wanting any form of a break at all. Then again, they all bicker all the time so I guess it did kinda take a tole on them. How long have all of them been friends anyway? It feels like some of them have been friends forever, literally. 

One thing I do have to say about this whole grounding thing though, I don't know how Butters has a social life without suffering a mental break down. From what I've seen of Butter's dad, he grounds that poor kid A LOT and their groundings are to literally lock him in his room with a security system and everything. Besides, these guys get into crazy situations all the time it seems like, they've already dragged me into three messes and I've only been here for like two weeks. How is Butters even able to keep up with them? I'm barely able to keep up with them. 

Then again, socializing with them is kinda hard. I mean of course it is, I haven't said a damn word to them. No I lied, I said one sentence to them a while back but that's it. I mean it's only been two weeks and three people have spilled their thoughts and emotions to me and I don't even know what to tell them at all. How can I keep up with them if I never even  decide to try to? Then again, I don't think I want to start now. Silence is always the best option, as my parents always said, so why change it up now? 

Suddenly, my phone buzzed in my pocket. Oh my God will these guys ever leave me alone? I'm gonna see them again tomorrow so I don't know why they feel the need to talk to me now. Then again it's probably the group chat. When I pulled my phone out to see what it is, I was surprised to see not a message from the group chat, but a snapchat from Butters. Huh, that's weird. I opened up the snap, which was sent to a group chat that I had just been put into with...all the people group chat we are all in over text. I will never escape these guys I swear to God.

The snap was a video and it went a little bit something like this 

Butters was sitting on the couch next to Kenny at Kenny's house. Kenny wasn't paying attention to the video, but instead the TV and Kenny was eating a poptart. The Not only was Kenny in view but so was Butter's shoulder, only slightly able to be seen at the very end of the frame. The text at the bottom of the video said "Kenny has really neato tricks!!" which almost sounds like some really weird innuendo. "Ken, can you hand me that empty beer can? I'm gonna throw it away." Butters said, and without Kenny even looking at Butters he used his weird purple mist to bring the beer can over to Kenny. 

Kenny then turned to look at Butters and to hand him the beer can, but then stayed still. "Mmmrph mmrph mmrph post that!" Is what I could make out from what Kenny said. Butters started giggling, and the video ended with purple mist heading towards the camera. 

A couple seconds later, another snap came in from Kenny and it looked a little like this 

Kenny sent a photo of Butters lying on the ground, laughing his ass off. The text said "Butters u dumbass lmfao" 

A snap then came from Wendy and it looked like this 

Wendy sent a photo where she was covering a bit of her mouth but she was smiling. The text said "Omg stop abusing your powers!" 

Kyle then sent a snap to the group, it went like this 

It was a video of a log, and then a blue light hit the log and the log caught on fire. The camera turned around to face Kyle and his hand was over his mouth as he started laughing like crazy and going "oh my God!". The text said "Guys this shit is awesome." 

And, whoopie another snap came in. This time it came in from Craig and it went like this 

It was a video of Tweek who was sitting on Craig's bed and playing on his phone. "Hey Tweek." Craig said, and Tweek looked up at him. Craig flipped him off, and Tweek flinched a bit for a second before going relaxed again. "...Fuck why isn't this working?" Craig whispered and Tweek busted out laughing. The text said "Wtf" 

Finally, a text came in to the groupchat over text message and thank fucking God for that. I am already sick of them spamming my Snapchat. 

Kyle- Kenny how do you get your powers to work? You never told us. 

Kenny- I just have 2 force myself 2 feel rlly weak w/o something 2 protect myself with or 2 protect so I gotta pull it close 2 me 2 make myself feel 'safe' 

Stan- then y did u pull me & Free's T

Kenny- bc u were about 2 fucking kill Morgan Freeman and I needed 2 protect him ig

Butters- Do you think I can summon unpaid minions for real?? 

Kenn- omg 

Clyde- random ? how do our ultimates wrk 

Craig- What

Token- aren't those the things that r like specials 

Craig- Oh

Kyle- Oh yeah! Can we even use those or are those just not apart of this? 

Kenny- maybe we have 2 fight 2 charge it up ig 

Clyde- does this mean we have 2 wait 4ever 2 go c HS we said we were gunna c him 4ever ago

Kenny- we r running out of time 

Kyle- I mean no, but we can still talk about it at Token's house tomorrow

Oh my God I can't take it anymore. I put my phone on do not disturb and turned it off. I swear to God I can't take it anymore, all this texting and talking is giving me a headache and burning my eyes. I just need a day to rest, and I really don't feel like going to Token's tomorrow and talking to Hindsight. They're gonna end up making me use my farting abilities to get him to spill secrets and shit and I'm not even fully fucking recovered. I can't take it man, not right now anyway. I just need a nap, when I'm tired I get angry I guess. I haven't really been this tired ever though, so...

so screw you guys I'm going to bed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi is it obvious I go on Tumblr a lot   
> sorry it's taken me kinda a bit of time to update, I was just having some really bad writer's block and this entire chapter was me trying to say heck off to writer's block but because of that the entire chapter didn't entirely flow well so oopsie daisy. The plot is coming soon I promise I just wanted to have a bit of harmless fun with the boys and try to keep their stress levels to a minimum even tho New Kid is dying.


	26. The Cartman Hate Club

Today is probably the best I've ever felt out of all the days I've spent in South Park. It's a Saturday morning and for once I'm finally well rested. I slept all afternoon yesterday and all night, and I feel like a new me. I didn't have to meet the gang until 10 a.m so I got to sit at the couch for once and eat cereal while watching Saturday morning cartoons. This is truly the peek of my life, until I had to actually get dressed. 

So no, I can't spend the entire day in my pajamas watching TV and eating everything in the kitchen. However, I did get to do that for a good three hours before having to brace the cold. Honestly getting that time to myself is good enough for me to get through the rest of this week. I just feel overall better, my body and mind feel at one and at peace. Though once my body got hit with the cold, I quickly took back everything I said. 

I've said it once, and I'll say again. I hate this cold weather so much, it is ridiculous. There is snow everywhere, the wind is my worst nightmare, and everything just hates me outside. Luckily I've gotten most of South Park mapped out in my head, so I can just tune out everything my body is feeling, seeing, and hearing and just go into auto pilot. Plus the town isn't even all that big so it's not that long of a walk, maybe about ten minutes max. 

After the walk, I was immediately welcomed into Token's home by his parents. To my surprise, and delight, his parents aren't really mad at me about arresting his dad. Then again, we haven't sat down and talked about it but they're pretty nice to me so I'll take it as a sign of forgiveness. Plus what am I supposed to say to a cop that could probably arrest me if I resisted them, that I'm not gonna listen to them? Then my ass would be in jail. 

When I got to the Freedom Pals lair, I was the last one there. I'm starting to wonder if all of them have super speed or if I just need to drop a few pounds, I mean even Cartman is here before me and he starts losing energy after rolling off his couch.  We all stood crowded around each other, prompting the beginning of the meeting. "Alright Freedom Pals, I just want to tell you all something very important. Captain Hindsight has betrayed us, as you all know. He is not below doing whatever he needs to do to get what he wants. We might be at risk going to his home and confronting him for what he's done, but we must defend ourselves. Our powers could be deadly, so only use them if absolutely necessary." Timmy 'said'. 

"We don't know what he has planned at all, if he has traps for us or security or whatever. So we can't just go up and knock, and we can't just bust in. We need to be cautious and we need to be safe. All of those with a good grip on their powers will go ahead and be a form of a shield for those of us who don't know their powers yet. We're going to go around the back, climb up his fence and get to his backyard. Once we're inside we'll break into his home from the back since he'll be expecting us at the front door. Then we're going to corner him since he'll be defenseless and tie him up with rope. I'm bringing extremely gassy foods for the New Kid to eat, and we're just gonna do the questioning at his house. Any questions?" Kenny said. 

"Yeah-uh- what's the percentage of us dying? Or this just- ya'know- overall going horribly wrong?" Stan asked. "A good I'd say 70% maybe." Kenny responded, and Stan sighed. "Before we go, can you all just excuse me for one moment? I need to use your restroom Token, don't worry I already know my way." Cartman said in an oddly polite tone, going up the stairs. "Wait- dude no you're gonna stink up the bathroom! Damn it- why didn't you use the one at home?!" Token shouted, sighing in frustration. Well, that's Cartman for ya. 

"Can't we just leave without him bzz?" Clyde buzzed annoyingly. "No, Clyde. That'd be rude to Token's parents." Kenny said, which caused everyone to start laughing. "It's already rude enough that he's gonna make my bathroom smell worse than all the fast food he eats." Token said, and everyone laughed again. Jesus, I mean Cartman is an asshole but he's not that much of an asshole. I mean, it's not like he's killed his own father or something Jesus Christ. ...Then again he'd need to have a father in order to actually kill said father. 

"Hey, Kenny? What happens if we actually die?" Butters asked Kenny, and Kenny looked at him sympathetically. "I mean, you're probably going to heaven if you die so there's nothing for you to worry about." Kenny said, but Butters' worried expression didn't falter. "Come on Butters don't freak us out like that, seriously. You're making me worried." Kyle said, rubbing his own arms as if he were cold. Everyone in the room looks pretty nervous, expect for Kenny. Kenny looks completely unphased by all of this, seriously there's a real possibility of death here and Kenny isn't afraid at all. He's acting like he has no fear of death at all! 

"Oh God- we're probably going to die aren't we? Oh Jesus!" Tweek panicked, and Craig slung his shoulder over Tweek. "Calm down, Tweek. We're not gonna die. Look at it logically, it's all of us with super powers against one guy who can fly and give hindsight. There's nothing to be worried about." Craig said in an overly monotone voice. "But he's an adult! Adults can buy- ngh- guns and security and stuff! We can't use our powers if there's motion sensing guns in his house that kill us before we can even use our powers!" Tweek twitched. 

"Dude what do your parents even let you watch?" Kyle mumbled under his breath, I don't think Tweek could hear him. "Tweek, he lives alone, he's in a depressed and drunken stupor, and he had to move out of his home to his new home because of the lack of money. Not only that but he didn't have a job like a week ago. There's no way in hell he has all that stuff so just calm down." Craig said. "But-" "Yeah! Craig is right! We're not going to die, we're gonna be alright fellas! I'm not so worried anymore, right Tweek?" Butters beamed, I guess he's trying to use his overall sunshine to calm Tweek down. Nice guy. 

Tweek only smiled in response, and if I look closely enough I can see Craig flipping Butters off under his sleeve of his jacket. With that said, there was the sound of a door opening and a thumping noise. Cartman had finally come back from the bathroom, trotting down the stairs with an excited look on his face. "Rich people's bathrooms are fucking sweet, you guys have got to try it out sometime." Cartman said, stretching. 

"If you ruined my bathroom I swear to God-" "I just clogged it is all. It's fancy but it can't take an tiny old shit? It's like old game stations, my Okagamesphere still works just fine but the Ps4 goes in for eight repairs. Might wanna fix that." Cartman said, and Token looked like he was thiiiiis close to killing Cartman. "Damn it Cartman!" Token shouted, running up the steps to presumably unclog his toilet. 

 "So anyway, what did I miss?" Cartman asked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi I'm BalloonBalls aka that one person that always finds ways to not get to the fucking plot 
> 
> I'm so sorry all my updates are all lol good times and stuff I just really like the Freedom Palls


	27. The Guilty Party

The odds of us suffering from any consequences from doing this is probably way lower than us just leaving it be and never talking about this ever again. However that doesn't change the fact that this isn't fucking terrifying at all. It's like a fight or flight response, and all of us want to flight rather than fight right now. Or at least, most of us want to flight. Kenny looks like he's completely fearless about the entire thing, but then again he always seems fearless. He acts like he can't die or something, but he can die. Everyone can die, so I don't know why he's so confident. 

The walk was pretty short, around ten or so minutes maybe? But it felt like an eternity, everyone was quiet and we all looked pretty paralyzed with fear. We all did as planned, everyone who had found their powers walked in the front while everyone who didn't have their powers yet walked behind them. I was put in the front, even though I technically haven't even discovered my new powers at all. I just have my old one, my really strong farting ability. 

When we finally made it to the back of the house, Kenny moved to the front. "Okay, we're gonna climb this fence and get to his backyard." Kenny confirmed to us in a whisper. He jumped up, grabbing onto the top of the fence and holding it with all his strength. The height of the wooden fence was relatively low, so it shouldn't be too far to jump this at all hopefully. Kenny swung his leg over to the other side and then he swung his other leg over. Suddenly, he dropped out of sight and there was a thud on the ground. 

"There you all are." A familiar male voice said from inside the backyard. Oh no, don't tell me he was expecting us! "Hindsight? How'd you- everyone go! Get out of here now!" Kenny shouted from the background. "Oh Jesus!" Tweek shouted. Everyone started to turn around to make a break for it. "Guys! We can't just leave Kenny like that!" Cartman shouted, blocking all of us from leaving. "Are you kidding me Cartman? We're gonna die!" Kyle shouted, he sounded angry. "We can't just let him die!" Cartman shouted back. 

Oh to hell with this. I turned around to face the fence and then I jumped up to grab the top of the fence. Jesus this is way harder than I thought it would be! I swung both my legs over the top and plopped down to the ground. Jack was sitting in a lawn chair with a cigarette in his mouth and a gun laying in his lap. "Kill me...Just kill me..." Jack mumbled as he rubbed his face with his hand. There as a loud thud next to me, and when I turned my direction to see what it was I saw Kyle standing next to me. 

"Why? Why'd you do it?" Kenny asked, and Jack looked up at him. "I just wanted to keep the town safe, but I was wrong. My hindsight, it's telling me I should have never told the news about this. I thought maybe I could just keep this town safe with you all out of it, I didn't know what you would have done with them. You all said you wanted to keep them in check but how could I have been sure? I don't have a lie detector, I just wanted to make a good decision but I was wrong. I was wrong..." Jack said, taking the cigarette out his mouth and throwing it on the grass. 

Suddenly, the sliding glass doors opened behind Jack slowly,quietly. The rest of the Freedom Pals emerged, and Jack didn't even acknowledge them if he even heard them. I guess jumping the fence is kinda stupid at this point but what a way to be mellow dramatic. "Why did you even think for a second that we wanted to hurt the city?" Kyle asked. "...I just had something convincing me that you all wanted to hurt the city." Jack mumbled. 

"You believed in us before, and now suddenly you don't. Why? Is it because of what happened before with training?" Kenny asked, walking over to Jack. "What happened Jack? What fucking happened?!" Kenny asked, grabbing Jack's shirt and pulling him closer. "S-Step away, I have a gun!" Jack said, putting the barrel of the gun to Kenny's chest. Kenny looked down at the barrel of the gun then stepped away from Jack. "New Kid, it doesn't matter what any of us say to him. You have to fart in his face." Kenny said, turning his attention to me. 

Suddenly, hands wrapped around Jack's mouth. It was Stan, holding him tight as Jack dropped the gun in his hand so he could try and pry Stan off his mouth. "Get the gun!" Stan shouted, and Kenny did so. He ran up to Jack as fast as he could and took it from the ground, running back over to Kyle and I. Stan moved his hands from Jack's mouth and grabbed for his arms. He took Jack's arms and held them behind the chair, but Jack barely even struggled at all. 

"Can someone get the rope from my toolbelt?" Stan asked. Clyde walked up behind Stan and grabbing the hanging rope from Stan's belt. "Here I'll help you tie him." Kyle said, trotting over to Stan's side and taking the rope from Clyde. He started to wrap the rope around Jack's body while Stan held him still. "You ready, Butthole?" Kenny asked, looking over at me. I looked back at him and gave him a reassuring smile and he smiled back at me. God I really don't want to fucking do this. 

Kenny walked his way over to Kyle and Stan to give them a hand, and within minutes Jack was tied up and ready for questioning. "Come on Butthole." Stan said, and I did as he said. Jesus see me through this. I made my way over to Jack, taking in mental deep breaths to calm my nerves. I don't really know why I'm nervous, maybe because there's a gun around? I don't know. 

"All we need to know is why you did it Jack, something obviously happened and we need to know what. Someone is already taking care of the damage you did for us, but we can't let you get off scot-free. We need to know why this happened so we can make sure it never happens again. Why did you rat us out to the police?" Kenny asked, but Jack stayed completely silent. "Do it Butthole." Kenny said. 

I put my ass to his face and started to focus my inner ass powers. Jesus Christ why does this hurt so bad? I let a fart out, and Jack started to audibly move in his restraints. "Oh Jesus, he wasn't kidding when he said this was bad..." Jack mumbled. "Who? Who said that? Did someone tell you about this? What happened Jack?! Tell us!" Kenny shouted at him. "I'm...sworn to secrecy." Jack muttered. "Hit him again." Kenny said, and I did so. Letting another toxic fart come out. Jack started to move in his restraints again. 

"Oh...Oh God!" Jack shouted, throwing his head back. "Come on Jack, you're a good man! I know you can see the problem with the choice you're making but fear is stopping you! Come on Jack!" Kenny shouted, but Jack just shook his head. "Butthole." Kenny nodded at me. I hit him again with another toxic fart, which caused Jack to throw his head down. He then started to throw up in his own lap. Jesus are my farts really that bad?

"What if we told you we'd protect you from whoever told you to do this? Then will you tell us? We won't hurt you, we'll just get revenge on them rather than you. What do you say Jack? We don't want to hurt you, so just help us." Kenny said in a sickly sweet tone. I guess he's playing the good cop bad cop role. He's pretty good at both of the roles.

Jack stayed quiet for a moment, looking around at everyone who's crowded around them. He took a deep breath, then sighed in defeat. "One of you told me to rat all of you out. That seems pretty strange I know but it's true. After everyone left they stayed behind and convinced me that you all were dangerous and that he was the only one that really wanted to help the town. He told me that you all had no idea how to control your powers and that that'll put everyone in this town at risk. He told me that you all were dangerous...I just...I just wanted to help." Jack started to break into sobs, looking down at the vomit on his clothes. 

"Who would screw themselves and us over like that? Are they stupid? They were in the security video too!" Kyle shouted angrily. "No they weren't, they...weren't in the video at all. I don't know where they were but they weren't in the video." Jack said between sobs. "I thought everyone was with us...some of us stayed quiet sure but..." Stan said, confusion in his tone. "Who Jack? Who did this? Who? They obviously won't confess so you have to tell us." Kenny said. 

Jack looked up, his eyes fixated on someone in the crowd but it wasn't clear who it was. I assume he was looking at the guilty party member.

"It...was the Coon."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy oh boy do I love predictability. I'm gonna go into more detail in the next chapter so don't feel too let down!


	28. Fat Rat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHH I'm so sorry this took so long to write, and for ending last chapter on a cliff hanger kinda??? Idk  
> Nonetheless, here we are and I hope you enjoy this chapter!

"It was...the Coon." "No. No. No no no no no. You're NOT going to sit here and tell me that this fat piece of shit did this. No way. Nu-uh." Kyle said, his arms crossed. Speaking of the 'fat piece of shit' where is he? "You guys! Don't you see what he's trying to do here? He wants us to turn on each other and fight one another so that he doesn't have to take all the shit!" Cartman shouted, trying his best to defend himself.

"No, it's true I swear it!" Captain Hindsight shouted. "Cartman why would you do something so fucking stupid?!" Kenny shouted, running at full speed to get to Cartman. However he was stopped dead in his tracks when Butters took Kenny's arm mid-dash and pulled him back. "Kenny, fighting isn't gonna help anyone!" Butters tried to talk sense into him, but to no avail. "No- There's NO way this fat shit did this to us! He gets nothing from it! It's pointless!" Kyle shouted angrily, I'm not sure if he's blindly defending Cartman or in denial.

"He's right! He just wants me to be the bad guy because I'm so awesome and cool, which makes me the perfect target!" Cartman shouted. "He texted me and told me that you all were coming! I have the text on my phone, just pull it out and I'll show you!" Captain Hindsight shouted. "You're lying! You're a filthy fucking jew liar Hindsight! Don't believe him you guys!" Cartman shouted. "It doesn't hurt to check." Stan said, reaching into Captain Hindsight's left pocket on his pants.

Stan turned on the phone and fiddled with it for a moment. "Guys this is ridiculous! He just wants the super powerful awesome one to take down his lower leveled friends! It's basic superhero stuff!" Cartman tried to defend himself once again, he was starting to sweat. "What's his contact in your phone?" Stan asked. "It's 'fat rat'" Captain Hindsight said. Haha, fat rat.

"I am not a fat rat! My name is the coon!" Cartman shouted, or rather, squeaked. Stan had his eyes glued to the phone, and everyone's eyes were glued to him. We all were waiting for some way, some possible way, Stan would say that Hindsight was lying. Or at least, I hope he's lying. Even though Cartman is kinda a dick, I just don't want it to be true I guess. Stan looked up from his phone, and his facial expression told us everything.

"He's climbing the fence!" Captain Hindsight shouted, and we all turned to see Cartman trying his best to jump the fence but it's not working. He looks like a fat cat trying to climb up a table, it's kinda funny. "Get him!" Kenny shouted, and everyone sprinted towards him. Cartman dropped back into the backyard, unsuccessful with his climb.

"Stay back, stay back I said!" Cartman shouted, backed to the end of the fence. "Why?! Why did you fucking do it?! Why did you fucking do that to us?! Don't you understand what you've done?! We could've been torn from our fucking families! Our fucking homes! My sister needs me back at home, and you just want to fucking do this for your own petty fucking reasons?!" Kenny screamed, he within breathing distance of Cartman and he was pretty...livid.

"Kenny, calm down! We'll take him back to base just calm down!" Kyle shouted, grabbing Kenny's shoulder and pulling him away from Cartman. Kenny didn't struggle to move away though. "You're right, doing this will get us nowhere. Let's just bring him back to base, New Kid can fart it out of him as to why he got the government on our tail. Then maybe if Morgan Freeman can't help us with getting the government off our backs then Hindsight can." Kenny said.

"You guys can't take me back, I'm more powerful than you think." Cartman said, I couldn't really tell if he was nervous or cocky. "Oh yeah? Watch us fat ass." Kyle said, grabbing Cartman's arm and pulling him off the fence. Then suddenly, Cartman extended his fake claws and made three large claw scratches at Kyle's body. "Oh my God! Oh my God!" Kyle screamed, stumbling away from Cartman as he dripped with blood. Wasn't that...one of Cartman's move sets? Wait, does he have powers too? No, his type was an assassin so there weren't really powers. Expect for the bombs thing, but there's no way...

"Kyle!" Stan shouted, running up behind Kyle and grabbing him. He pulled him away from the scene, taking him over to Captain Hindsight who was in the process of being untied by Tweek. Kyle was sobbing loudly, holding his large gaping wounds. It was a terrible sight to see. "Cartman!" Kenny shouted, now he was really mad. A purple mist started to form in his hand, and Cartman was pulled towards him. In that pull, Kenny kicked Cartman in the face just as he would've done if it were to be a regular battlefield move of us. Cartman fell to the ground.

"Grab him!" Kenny shouted, and I answered his demand. I rolled Cartman on his stomach and took his arms to hand them behind his back. I kept them there, holding them down as Cartman squirmed under me. "New Kid you have to believe me! I'm innocent! I was afraid Kyle was going to burn me with his lasers, honest! You know how he gets when he's mad!" Cartman pleaded, his face in the grass.   
Before I even had time to think, I was being pushed away from Cartman as Kenny started to tie his hands up with the rope used to tie up Captain Hindsight. "Ow! Ow! That fucking hurts! I didn't do anything! I just was trying to protect myself! You've got the wrong guy here!" Cartman said as he was being pulled up to his feet by Kenny. "Shut your mouth before I break your fucking jaw. Let's go back to the base guys and get this shit head talking more than he already is." Kenny said, shoving Cartman forward.

Kyle was leaning into Stan, blood and tears getting on his clothes. He looked like he couldn't even walk in a straight line, especially not without Stan. "New Kid, come here." Stan said, and I did so, trotting over towards him. "Hold him, I got an idea." Stan said, passing Kyle's bleeding body over to me. Great now I have to get bled on, awesome. Nonetheless, I held him as far away from my body as possible. I don't want my parents freaking out about bloody clothing.

Stan pulled out a little blue spray bottle full of water. "Come on buddy, heal up." Stan muttered as he sprayed water on Kyle. However the water was glowing a light green color and made a weird sound. When the green water hit Kyle, the blood wounds instantly started healing. They weren't completely healed, but they looked like they were half way through the bleeding process. However he was still covered in his own blood.

Kyle moved away from me, standing on his own. His face was red, dried tear stains clear on his face from the pain but he looked elated. Stan looked very relieved to see Kyle moving again. "How did you do that dude?!" Kyle asked Stan, smiling at him. Stan started to smile more as he put the spray bottle back in his tool belt. "It was one of my moves to be able to heal with a spray bottle. I thought it might've worked, I just had to think about you feeling better and it did the trick." Stan explained.

"Thanks Stan. Now c'mon, let's go catch up with the rest of them so we can kick Cartman's ass." Kyle said, and Stan nodded with a smile. So the two of them left the backyard together, chasing after the group that had already left. Though Kyle looked like he was still in pain, struggling to move a little. Stan will probably have to heal him again so Kyle's mom won't freak out and threaten to call the cops on us again. 

So now it was just Hindsight and I standing together alone in his backyard. ...Wow that sounds creepy, I better get out of here before this gets weird. "New Kid, I know you don't talk but I just want you to hear this. Even if you're not listening, I want to get this off my chest." Captain Hindsight said, stopping me before I even began to left. "I just...I just wanted to say that I'm so, so sorry." Captain Hindsight sighed, defeated. 

"I just wanted to do what's right. The Coon, or rather Cartman, said that he had been following you all around recently. He said he was trying to blend in with you guys and pretend he was one of you. He said you all were a danger, that your powers were too reckless and that you all needed to be stopped at all costs. After the whole middle finger thing and seeing that kid's lightening powers, I couldn't help but believe him. So I turned you all in, and since the scoop was so big and amazing they decided to hire me again to reporting news. It wasn't until after I told them that I got hindsight on the situation, and I realized what a terrible mistake I had made." Captain Hindsight said, he looked so...sad. 

"I'm not asking for your forgiveness, or your trust. I just want you all to know how deeply sorry I am for putting you all in so much danger. I am so sorry." Captain Hindsight finalized his speech. I don't...really even know what to say to him. So with that, I just turned around and left. I really don't wanna be late again, getting made fun of for that is so annoying. 


	29. Capture

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh jeez I am so sorry that this took so long I just haven't been up for writing lately. Should I even continue this story? I don't know, oops

The walk back to the base was extremely...awkward. Everyone couldn't say a word, it was stifling. To think someone we still trusted turned us into the fucking cops! I mean I know Cartman wanted to be mayor and stuff for Christmas everyday, but I mean this was a personal assault on us! As far as we know, we did nothing wrong to him at all! I can't believe he did this to us, some of us have been nothing but nice to him. But now...damn. 

Though I guess he'll just be forgiven later, huh? We always forgive him, don't we? Or at least, they do. I don't know why they don't just kick him out of their group. I mean sure they're not the nicest people in the world either, but they're nothing compared to this. To Cartman. Maybe they feel bad for him? Maybe there's just something about them I don't know about. I mean I've only known them for about a month maybe, so I guess I wouldn't know everything about them in that time. 

Still though, I don't see them as particularly forgiving people. Expect for Butters, Butters is nice. Huh, I remember when Butters brought me into this friend group. He's the reason why I'm even here today. I don't know whether to thank him for that or slap him for that. These guys though, they've all been through so much in the one month I've been here yet they're all unphased by it all. Even Tweek is unphased by it all. Well kinda, once everything get's resolved they just don't care anymore. It's kinda funny actually. 

Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. When I turned to see who had touched me, I saw Wendy had been the culprit. "You look down New Kid." Wendy said, walking side by side with me. She looked away from me, and to the group walking ahead of us. "You know I'm not even really apart of this, I have no powers or anything. I could've just walked away a while ago when the police started to get involved. Instead here I am risking so much for them all for no reason," She said, turning her attention back to me, "inside that kind of strange?" 

She smiled at me, and I didn't really feel like smiling back. I wasn't in the mood to smile, and I don't see her point. Is she just trying to tell me how great of a friend she is? "That's kind of how they are, all of those boys. Especially Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Kenny. They've been best friends since they were in pre-school. They've laughed together, cried together, been through everything together. Even though sometimes they're all really rude to each other." Wendy said.

"They have some weird, unspoken oath to each other that they'd never really abandon one another when the times get tough. That's how they've always been, and I suppose that's how it'll stay. Nothing can tear them apart, not even this." Wendy continued, then looked away from me again. "Don't let this get to you, no matter what happens we'll find a way out. You're one of them now, even if you don't believe it or not. Whether that's a good or bad thing, I don't really know. Don't let this kind of thing get to you. In a quiet mountain town like this, everyone forgets everything because everyone has their own weird shit to deal with." Wendy said. 

I think...she's trying to comfort me. Or maybe she's trying to give me some weird inspirational speech. "Just get used to this weird stuff, it happens all the time. Don't worry about it." She said, smiling to herself. I nodded at her, though I'm not sure if she saw my nod. "Come on, we're almost there." She said, walking ahead of me. That was...weird. I guess I might've looked worried? Maybe, I don't know. I still don't understand what she means though, how does this happen all the time? I thought this place was supposed to be peaceful, not...weird. 

By the time Wendy had finished talking to me, we just made it past the Senior Center. Yeesh, the Senior Center. I wonder if they're all still mad at us for 'taking their pills'. They'd probably try and beat us with their walking sticks if we let them, and if we use our powers against them they'd probably die. Guess I'm not going there for a while. Not like I really wanted to anyway. They all smelled weird, like an old person. That very weird and very distinct old person smell. 

Once we passed the Senior Center we were at the gates of Token's home. The security officer sat in this little booth, eyeing at us. We all walked through the gate, Cartman still tied up and being pushed by Kenny, Kyle, and Stan. The security officer didn't pay it any mind. If anything he just stared at...me with stern eyes. I started to move ahead into the group, he's starting to make me really uneasy. I beat one guy up twice and now suddenly he thinks he's a disgrace to his job or something. 

Neither of Token's parents were home, so we had to wait for Token to unlock the front door. Once he did so, we all quickly piled into the living room. I was the last one inside, so I closed the door behind me. The group made their way to the Freedom Pal's lair, the security on the door still broken. Are-Are they just not gonna get this fixed? No? Okay. 

Cartman was shoved down the stairs, he didn't fall or anything but he almost did. Once Cartman got down the stairs, Stan was already getting some more rope ready to tie Cartman up for the second time in this lair. "You're going to fucking pay for what you did, fat ass." Kenny grumbled, and Cartman gulped. "No matter what you do, no matter how much charm is in Morgan Freeman's sexy voice, the police will never stop hunting you all down. Once I post about what you all did to me on Facebook, then the police will be after you all for sure. Then you all will be taken for government testing." Cartman said, and everyone looked pretty fucking horrified. Especially me, I- wow okay. 

"Aw dude no not Facebook, if you're gonna report us then use Tumblr or something I don't know. I don't want Mark Zuckerberg to come back." Craig said, and Stan turned to him. "Yeah true, he was kind of an ass." Stan agreed with a shrug. "That's not that point! Why do you want to report us to the police Cartman?! If you don't tell us then we'll post on Facebook what you did to Kyle." Kenny shouted. "Uh...actually, you can't do that." Kyle said, and everyone turned to face him. 

"You're healed?! How?!" Clyde asked, taking his mosquito mask off. "One of Stan's abilities was healing." Kyle said. "Ha! See?! Now you can't use that against me, you all have nothing against me." Cartman said, though he was at the mercy of my asshole. "Well, once something is posted on the internet you can never delete it- ever. You...remember the little piggy video don't you?" Butters said, stepping forward and fully embracing his professor chaos side. 

Cartman looked horrified, he seemed like he was having PTSD flashbacks to this 'little piggy' video. "He's right. We may have forgotten for a while, and you may have too. But it's still there, so come on. Tell us, Cartman. It's over, Captain Hindsight is remorseful and Freeman is getting the police off our asses." Kenny said, and honestly, it seems kind of like we've won. 

"What does it matter to you all if I tell you or not?! Since you all think you've won this battle, what does it matter?!" Cartman shouted. "Because you obviously have some pent up emotional problem towards us and watching you emotionally cry like a little chicken shit would make my day." Kyle said casually. "Dude." San said in a kind of shocked tone, looking at Kyle. "What? He almost scratched my fucking eye out and this is what you're freaked out about?" Kyle asked. "Yeah, because he's a piece of shit and you aren't." Stan responded. 

"Hey!" Cartman tried to defend himself but no one was really listening. 


	30. You Bastards!

"Hey you guys, I still have the video saved to my phone." Butters said, holding his phone in his hand. Is-Is that a hello kitty adventure case on his phone? ...I remember playing that game when I was little, the good ol'days. Back when I wasn't caught up in torturing a fat kid in a raccoon suit for the reason behind him turning on us. "Butters! Butters, these guys are totally good guys. I guess you're right, I am a bad guy. So why would you let your fellow bad guy get hurt like this?! And you want to betray our villains code?" Cartman shouted from his tied up spot, and Butter's devious smile faltered. 

"You're a villain now?" Butters asked, confused. "Yeah, why do you think I betrayed these lame superheros like that?" Cartman asked, Butters isn't actually believing this right? "Well-Well I guess so but I mean you did kind of get us all in trouble." Butters said, doing whatever he usually does with his hands. "Butters you're not actually being this right?" Kyle asked, irritated. "Well I mean-" "They're belittling you Butters, they don't care about you at all. Villains in costumes are villains in the real world too. We have to stick together as partners, as friends." Cartman said with a sickly sweet smile. 

"Butters this isn't about being superheros or super villains, this fat fuck betrayed all of us! Including you! Don't let him get to you!" Kenny shouted, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. Butters looked like he started to panic. "I-I don't know maybe Cartman is right- maybe he did just want to do the same things I do-" "Butters don't think like that!" Kenny shouted in Butters' face. Butters started to scowl and pushed Kenny away from him, and something inside of him kind of clicked. "Shut it do-gooders! I'm calling the police on all of you!" Butters shouted. Do-gooders...getting called on by the police. That's...that's not how these things are supposed to work right?  

"Butters if you call then you'll go to jail with us you idiot!" Stan shouted. Butters ran behind Cartman, he's going to untie the rope! "I'm sick of you all pushing me around, and Cartman is the only one who sticks around me!" Butters said, untying the knot around him and Cartman just smirked at them. "Butters he's manipulating you like he always does!" Kenny shouted, running up to Butters and shoving him away from Cartman. 

"And here I thought you were my friend...I didn't want to have to do this buddy, but I guess we all need a little chaos in our lives afterall." Butters said, then started put his fingers in his mouth. He whistled, and then there was a sound of thudding down the stairs. It was Butters minions, what the fuck is going on here? "Take down the do-gooders minions. I'm back to being a villain now with my new sidekick!" Butters shouted, and ran behind Cartman again. 

"Is this considered a power or a dog whistle?" Craig asked. The minions didn't answer, they were angry and surrounding us. They didn't really look like the confused underpaid Mexicans we were used to, instead they were angry underpaid Mexicans. They didn't say anything at all, just gritted their teeth and snarled at us like dogs. I guess it's kind of both a dog whistle and a power? When did Butters discover this anyway? 

"We don't have time for this, get to Butters-ah!" Kyle started to shout, but the wind was knocked out of him with a quick punch to the stomach by a minion. Oh crap, they actually want to fight? My ass is not ready for this. "Don't worry about them, get to-!" Kenny shouted, but was then quickly cut off by a quick stab to the stomach by a minion behind him. Kenny looked down at his wound, but he didn't seem all that shocked. He held the bleeding out wound in his hand, blood dripping down his fingertips onto the floor. 

Oh Jesus, the minions just stabbed Kenny! They really are angry minions! Kenny stumbled a bit, his eyes slowly closing as his skin started to go paler than normal. He collapsed onto the ground face first, Kenny just got murdered. "Oh my God, they killed Kenny!" Stan shouted. "You bastards!" Kyle answered back, almost like it was a form of a ritual that they had always followed. "Argh! Kenny just died!" Tweek shouted, pulling at his hair. There was thudding up the stairs, and when I looked up all I saw was Butters and Cartman running out of the base. 

"After them!" Timmy 'shouted'. "We need to take out the minions first!" Token shouted back. From down the stairs came a slight buzzing noise, like the sound of a flying bug. Oh my God the mosquitoes. "Don't touch my friends!" Tweek shouted, and a form of t-shaped lightening strike came from his body and onto the ground which electrocuted some of the minions. However they did not falter. 

 A minion ran up to Kyle and punched him in the face. "Hey!" Wendy shouted from atop the staircase. Everyone turned their attention to her and she was smirking. "Check your phones scumbags." Wendy said, and all the minions did so. The minions looked like they started to panic, she must've done something to their social media accounts while we weren't looking. The minions all looked at each other and made a break for the stairs. Wendy hoped over the railing of the stairs and dropped to the ground so she wouldn't get trampled. 

Then there was the sound of scared screaming, which probably means the mosquitoes are doing their jobs. The men, nor the mosquitoes, came downstairs. Didn't think that fight was going to end so...anticlimactic. "Guys, look out the window." Clyde said in a tone of pure horror. Everyone, moved to the window to look out and see what Clyde was even talking about. "Oh my God, Butters must've called the fucking cops! We gotta get out of here!" Stan shouted, but it might already be too late. 

"Oh God, what do we do?!" Tweek shouted. "Someone, call Morgan Freeman! He can charm us out of this one!" Kyle shouted. "There's no way he can get here in time and save us! We're going to go to jail!" Clyde said, tears starting to drip down his face. "Wendy, can you chase them away with your phone?" Stan asked her in a bit of a panicked tone. "Maybe, I don't know if it'll work." Wendy said, rather I think she's just afraid to go out there and fuck with the police. 

"Come out boys, we have you surrounded!" A police officer with a megaphone spoke to us outside. I looked out the window as well once everyone moved away, holy shit the swat team is out there too?! How big of a story were we?! "Come on, let's try sneaking out my backyard and jumping the fence!" Token suggested. "G-Good idea, let's call M-M-M-Morgan Freeman once we find so-o-o-omeplace safe to s-t-t-t-tay." Jimmy said. 

"Remember you guys, avoid windows. Pretend like we're not even home. Just pretend you're in some kind of stealth game where you have to crouch and walk." Kyle said, taking the role as the leader. We all looked at each other, some of us giving the face of 'is this really happening? Are we really doing this?' and others just giving a look of inspiration and confidence. Oh my God, if my parents find out I almost got arrested they're gonna kill me. 

Isn't moving to a little mountain town supposed to keep me isolated and out of the government's radar? What the hell happened then. 


	31. Ghost Lives Matter

All of this, everything that is happening, all just feels very familiar. I feel as if I'm playing a God damn video game and in one of those shitty stealth bits that no one asked for. I was not meant for stealthily creeping through a house that could be broken into any minute by fucking police and get taken away. The good thing is that this place is well secured and guarded, I guess, but that doesn't really help if it's the police breaking in. 

All of us were crouched in a row, walking through the living room expect for Jimmy and Timmy. They're gonna break our fucking cover! My heart feels like it will go into a God damn cardiac arrest. I held my breath in fear that even a slight noise could do something, even though it really wouldn't. Kyle took the lead of us, we were like a little row of ducks following their mother. "Come on kids, we don't want to hurt you and we don't want you to hurt us! Let's all just cooperate okay?" A police officer said, and my heart sank just a little more. 

We all walked so, so slowly and every step was more agonizing than the last. I could feel my body shaking the more I moved, whether that be because of nerves or how I'm moving is unknown to me. "If you all don't come out in the next five minutes, we're going in! Don't make us come and grab you!" A police officer said to us. A shudder ran down my spine and I gulped. "Don't listen to them, guys. We can get out in time. We're about to get to the kitchen which is where the backyard doors are." Token whispered to us, acting as if we all could hear him. 

"Clyde, stop crying!" Stan whispered shouted while Clyde sniffled and whimpered. Suddenly, there was a loud banging on the door. It sounded like someone was slamming themselves into the door. What the hell, it's only been five minutes since they got here! "Run!" Kyle shouted, and everyone stood up normally. We all darted out of the living room and to the kitchen as fast our legs would take us. We heard the sound of something running into a wall and feet on the ground. They really already broke in?! Fucking police! 

"Get them, especially the black kid!" A very familiar sounding officer said. Kyle pulled the sliding glass door open as fast as we could. "There they are!" That same officer shouted. I turned to face him, and I stopped dead in my tracks like a deer in headlights. That was...officer Yates right? Oh God, that's the weird cat piss sniffing, Shub Niggurath worshiping, extremely racist cop that almost murdered us all and almost sacrificed Classi to Shub Niggurath. 

We all stopped in our tracks and turned our attention to the hoard of cops in front of us. There's no way we're getting out of this one now. They all pointed their guns at us, and everyone was dead silent for a few minutes. "Put your hands up, we're not here to arrest you all but we are going to take you all someplace. We don't want to hurt you guys but we will shoot if threatened and no one is impervious to bullet shots. So come on, don't make us hurt you." Officer Yates said in a soothing tone. 

Though we all had powers, we were all pretty scared of this. It was who knows how many cops vs us. We know when we've lost and this is one of those times of knowing. "Hands up kids." Officer Yates said. And we all did so, raising our hands up behind our heads. We all glanced at each other with looks of defeat. We all wanted to know if this was the end, if this was game over. At this point, it really felt like it. Butters really was an evil little shit who screwed us over. No, not Butters. Cartman was the evil one who screwed us. 

I felt an unnaturally cold chill run down my spine, and I shuddered. Really, I think everyone single one of us did even the cops. I saw something move in the corner of my eye, like watching someone swiftly move their hand in water. Everyone in the room started looking around, confused. So it wasn't just me which is good. "Did you all see that?" A swat member said from the crowd. "Yeah, what is that?" Another swat member responded. 

Officer Yates started to look paranoid. He was looking all around the room and lowered his gun. "Are you guys seeing this?" He asked, and the other officers nodded. I saw it again, moving in the crowd of officers. It wasn't wind, it couldn't be so what was it? Whatever it was kept moving throughout the crowd, confusing everyone more and more. It's difficult but I'm able to make out a figure, a silhouette of this thing terrorizing the cops. It looked like some kind of...ghost. 

Suddenly, the figure moved out of the crowd and started to spin around the crowd in circles. A strong whirlwind was created around them and they were all sucked into it. "Ah what the fuck is going on?!" A man shouted, but everyone else just kind of manly screamed in response. The figure popped out of the whirlwind and the whirlwind went away. However all of the officers were extremely dizzy and wobbling around. "Fuck...where are those kids?" Officer Yates mumbled, looking like he was drunk. They all looked so...confused.

The group of us looked at each other with a confused look, and shrugged at each other. We all then made a break for it, running out of the sliding glass doors. We trampled over Token's garden in his backyard and ran to the fence as fast as we could humanly go. I'm not too sure how long they're going to be dazed for but we need to move as quickly as we can. 

"Hang on, I have an idea." Timmy 'said' to us. Timmy wheeled backwards slowly, then charged into the fence at full force as fast as he could. When he hit the fence, it broke it a Timmy shaped hole. Timmy stopped, and almost fell out of his wheelchair. "Timmy!" Timmy said for real and started to wheel himself away from the fence. We all looked at each other and shrugged. The group of us ran out of the Timmy shaped hole and caught up to him since his wheelchair is pretty slow. 

"G-G-G-Good job Tim-Tim!" Jimmy praised Timmy. "Timmy!" Timmy responded with. "Where are we headed to now?!" Stan asked, looking around. "To Freeman's Taco's! Let's go!" Kyle said, but then that shudder ran down my body again. Oh no is that weird ghostly thing gonna come after us now too? We all stopped, looking around to try to find the figure's location. 

The figure floated in front of us, staring at us. "Wait a minute....that's Kenny!" Stan shouted. Holy crap, he's right! That is Kenny's ghost! Kenny really saved our asses this time! "Come on, we've got to go!" Craig shouted to us, and we all looked at each other in agreement. "Kenny are you coming with us?" Tweek asked, and the ghostly Kenny nodded to him. "Good, we've got a new ally. Now c'mon!" Kyle said. 

Well, a dead Kenny is just as good as a live Kenny, right?


	32. Going in Circles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW I did not anticipate for the length of time it would take me to write this would be so long I am SO sorry but hey I'm back in the swing of things.

I'm not entirely sure if the police are following us, and at this point I couldn't care less. All I could hear was the sounds of feet hitting and sinking into the snow with each step, and my heart racing in my chest. The thick, icy air is painful in my lungs and I'm not sure how much longer I can run like this. Everyone around me is running too, the fastest I've ever seen them run. Even if we do make it to Freeman's Tacos without coming into contact with the police again, does that really mean Morgan Freeman can help us?  God is this how joggers feel every time they go for a run? This is the fucking worst.

I think we've bumped into about three or so people running down this main street. Much to my dismay, no one in this town is actually nice so we were shouted at with a lot of swearing. We all ignored the shouts though, we don't really have time to worry about anything expect for fixing these powers and not getting fucking shot. I wonder, can they see Kenny too or is it just some kind of new superpower of ours to be able to see Kenny. Is this like the sixth sense or something, are we all just some kids that can see dead people? That'd be pretty weird. 

If that fat bastard were to be here, he would've taken about ten breathers by now. I admit that it is pretty hard to run in this kind of weather, but still he's too fat to even function. Or maybe I'm just really bitter and I'm making mean comments about Cartman because he, oh you know, tried to get us fucking killed and used for government experiments! And he took Butters from us too! Who the hell in their right mind could be that cruel and mean to Butters? What a bastard he is. 

I don't understand what Wendy was talking about, how everyone just forgives and forgets so easily in this town. I mean yeah the population is pretty low so I would be pretty awkward to have enemies in this little mountain town and probably even harder to make friends again. But still, if he usually pulls this shit which he does seem to do a lot, there's no reason why these guys should even look at him the same way again! I don't understand how anyone could get used to him and his shit. 

Holy crap, I didn't realize how fast Timmy's wheelchair could actually move. It's ahead of most of us in the group, expect for Kenny. He's a pretty fast...flyer? Poor Jimmy though, he's kind of left behind in the back. Struggling with his crutches to get to the group but not really doing the best job. ...How is he always early to meet ups and I'm not? I'm running faster than him, what kind of a fastpass is he? Why don't we just use fast travel? I guess there's no point now, since we're almost there. 

When we got there, Kyle grabbed the door and swung it open to fast that the door would've slammed up against the wall if it wasn't as heavy as it was. We all piled into the restaurant, panting and trying our bests to catch our breaths. "Are you boys, and girl, alright?" Morgan Freeman asked, sounding the least bit concerned as per usual. "No...we're not! We're...ah fuck...gotta catch my...breath..." Kyle said, walking over a table and leaning on it for support. I found myself leaning up against a wall to support my own weight, is this what it feels like going into a cardiac arrest? 

"Come get some sports bottles, free of charge." Morgan Freeman said, and everyone perked up. "Is there water in these sports bottles?" Token asked, the sweat starting to drip down the tupperware he was using as a container for his face. Oh God, I feel so sorry for him. How is he not dying from heat stroke? "No, but you can get some sink water from the bathroom if you'd like." Morgan Freeman said, and there was a collective groan from the group of us. Cheap bastard. 

"Why do you all come running in here like that?" Morgan Freeman asked, I can't tell if he's worried or just curious. "Reverse our powers, Mr.Freeman! Please! I can't take this anymore, it's too much pressure man!" Tweek panicked, his body twitching. Craig placed his hand on Tweek's shoulder, I'm guessing he was trying to comfort him? Tweek didn't really notice the sudden contact and just kept twitching. Almost like he was a meth addict tweaked out-wait-oh-ohhhhh. Now I get why his parents named his such an awful name-wait-was he always like this? Even from birth? Can babies even have nervous ticks? I am so confused. 

"Did something happen?" Morgan Freeman asked. "I just want this to stop!" Clyde wailed suddenly, tears were starting to drip down his face as he choked for air since he was still trying to catch his breath from all the running. He also sounds like he's...dying. I'm not even sure he's going to be okay with the way he's hyperventilating like that. I'm not responsible for his death, right? I hope not, I don't want to be stuck with his dying...ness. 

"Look, we're having a huge problem! These powers, they're ruining our lives! We just ran away from the fucking cops because they wanted to take us in and do who knows what with us and our new powers! We didn't give you a lot of time and I understand but do you have a fix for this at all yet? We need it, now! Before we get into anymore trouble with the law so we can then take down Cartman and Butters!" Wendy explained in a very authoritative tone of voice. She didn't seem out of breath at all, and yet some of us are still dying over here. 

 "No, I didn't have enough time. I'm still trying to figure out the best solution for the problem you all have. Besides, you all will need your powers in order to take down those two anyway so even if I did have the solution you all wouldn't be able to fix the problem yet." Morgan Freeman explained. God damn it, he's right. "So what are we supposed to do? Hide underground while searching for a fat raccoon kid and a kid with Mexican minions?" Stan asked. 

"For the time being, yes." Morgan Freeman said calmly. "I guess you haven't called the mayor yet about this, right?" Craig asked in a kind of rude way. "No, you all don't seem to understand that I do run a business. I wish I could completely dedicate my time to helping you all out but I need to keep my business running as well. I will call the mayor as soon as I get a chance to, and I will work on an antidote as well. I just need some more time, I'm sorry." Morgan Freeman said. 

Everyone looked pretty pissed, even Kenny's ghost was pretty pissed. It looked like Kenny wanted to do something to Morgan Freeman, and whatever it would be wouldn't be pretty. "Fine, then I guess we'll get going." Timmy 'said', and everyone just sighed in defeat. "One more thing, before we leave." Kyle said, and Morgan Freeman looked at him in confusion. "Can you see the ghost kid?" Kyle asked Morgan Freeman. "Yes, he's floating right next to the New Kid." Morgan Freeman clarified. Oh, well, guess ghost Kenny isn't as cool as we thought he was.

"Okay, just wanted to make sure." Kyle said with a sigh. With that, we all left the restaurant and were greeted with the warm embrace of cold bitter winds. "We're never gonna get anywhere." Clyde croaked out like a dead frog. "I'm going to start tracking Cartman and Butters, let's all head back to base and figure out what we're going to do next." Wendy said, already pulling out two phones. "Good idea." Stan nodded towards her, but she wasn't paying any attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take a shot every time New Kid gets salty


	33. Retribution, but with Inclusion

Honestly, I'm pretty surprised my parents haven't come to get me at this point. My phone says it's nine at night, out past my bedtime. This is the peak of my rebellion, I'm only nine and I am more rebellious than all the sixth graders. I'm gonna be on the next nanny show, I'm gonna be so rebellious they'll put me in there with the dog whisperer. I don't even know if I'm even gonna go home tonight, considering all of this. I'm going to be in so much trouble though if I don't but...I think not getting arrested is more important than getting grounded. Well...debatable. 

We all walked down the street in silence. Most of us were just cold though, cold and scared. The snow was falling and we were drudging in the amount on the ground that was swallowing us whole. Well, swallowing me whole, these snow kids are used to moving in these kinds of snow levels. I can feel my body going numb to the touch as my body shakes like a-uh-well-game controller. "Do you guys think the cops are still at the base?" Clyde spoke up, breaking the tense silence between all of us. 

"Maybe, I'm not sure. Is it even safe to go back to the base?" Stan asked, looking down at the ground with his hands in his pants pockets. "Probably not. We might want to find someplace else to go." Timmy 'said' to us. "We could always just go back to Hindsight's house, he still owes us kinda." Kyle suggested. "So what, you think he'd let all of us just sleepover at his house without a care in the world? If the police come by he'd probably end up getting arrested for child abduction!" Tweek said. "What? Why would he get arrested for child abduction? Who cares if he does anyway?" Craig said. 

"Craig! He just wants to help us!" Tweek said, and Craig sighed. "He's the one who got us into this mess in the first place." Craig mumbled, but we all could hear him. "It's not like he meant to! Why can't you just forgive him?" Tweek asked, he was starting to twitch a little. Oh fuck, I am not prepared to sit through another couples fight. I had enough of that back at home, I don't need this again. 

"Because, we almost died." Craig said in a monotone voice as per usual, he didn't even sound like he cared. "Yeah, but he tried to help us too! Don't you see-" "No! Because of him we're in this mess and it's all his fault! I don't want to run from the fucking cops forever damn it! And I don't want you getting hurt either!" Craig burst, his teeth were gritted and fists clenched. Oh man, Craig lost control of his emotions and this does not look good.

"Why can't you just be-ngh-forgiving Craig?!-" "Why can't you see the danger in this situation?!" The two argued. This is starting to make me very...uncomfortable. Uncomfortable and nervous. Do couples always fight like this? I thought only bad couples were the ones to fight, and these two are so happy together. So why are they fighting, I don't understand. "H-H-H-Hey guys, settle d-d-d-down." Jimmy tried to diffuse the situation but it didn't seem like it was going to cool down any time soon. Great. 

"It's not dangerous, you know he didn't mean it! Why are you the one who's over thinking things?!" Tweek shouted. "I'm not overthinking, I'm being logical! Like I always am!" Craig defended himself. Can't we just move on? This is making me really uncomfortable and I really don't want to sit around and watch this happen. If they want to argue they can do it on their own time, not in front of me. As I watched this argument unfold, I saw that same ghostly mysterion that's followed us floating in front of me. I don't know why he floated in front of me but he did, it almost felt like he was shielding or blocking me. Weird. 

"Guys, stop fighting! Can't you see that this is really uncomfortable for the rest of us? Now why don't we all just sit down and think of a plan!" Kyle burst. Everyone turned to face him in shock. God I can't take anymore fighting, this is the worst. "No, I don't want to be apart of this anymore. I'm done, I'm going home." Craig said, and turned around to leave. "Craig wait, you can't leave! You have powers, you can't-" "I'm done, Tweek!" Craig cut Tweek off, and like that he was just walking away. 

"Oh my God, are you fucking kidding me?" Stan mumbled to himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Well, what do we do now?" Wendy asked, but everyone was silent. We all just kind of stood there awkwardly staring at each other in really uncomfortable silence. At least the fighting is over, but Tweek looks pretty pissed off. "We should all probably see if we could head home and all group up in the morning. We all are extremely tired and frustrated so it's better to not make any irrational decisions." Timmy 'said' to us. 

"What about our parents, and the police?" Tweek asked, grumbling to himself and twitching some. Is he alright? He doesn't look okay. "What would our parents do? Kick us out? It'll be fine." Kyle tried to reassure Tweek, but Tweek does not look like he's in the mood. Then again, who actually is in 'the mood' to do anything other than just lay down and relax. I mean we almost died or got arrested by the police for God's sake! I don't know about them, but I'm pretty warn out after all of that. 

"Where should we meet up? obviously Captain Hindsight's place is a bad idea and so is our base." Wendy asked, and everyone stayed silent once again. "Well...we Cartman's mom is nice and Cartman probably won't be going home. We can try and use the base at his house tomorrow first thing in the morning. Besides, if he is there then Butters would be too and then we can get them both off guard." Kyle spoke up. 

"That's not a bad idea." Timmy 'said' to us. "Then it's settled, we group back at the old Coon and Friends base tomorrow morning as soon as possible. New Kid, don't be late!" Stan said to all of us. I swear to God no matter what I do or where I go- you know what I don't even care anymore. Just because I am better than that, I don't need to fight back. These guys can say whatever they want to me and it won't bother me one bit. Nope, look at me being the better person. 

"We're going to be okay, right guys?" Wendy asked, a hopeful smile on her face that was probably meant to encourage us. "Yeah, we're gonna be fine." Stan said, obviously agreeing with her. Their optimism on all of this is pretty nice though, refreshing even. Maybe everything will be okay, or at least I hope it will be. 

"Remember Freedom Pals. Retribution..." Timmy 'said', and tried to put his hand out. We all followed, putting our hands together in one big circle. "But with inclusion!" Everyone shouted, throwing their hands in the air. Huh, we really are a team aren't we? A team that I am apart of, people I am friends with and who are friends with me. Maybe everything will be okay, maybe this team of ours can pull through and make it. 

Maybe South Park isn't so bad after all. 

 


	34. Piss Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AaaaAAAaaAAAhHhhhHhH?? I'm sorry these chapters are so short and keep taking 8 years to come out???

In this town, I don't find myself ever getting to sleep at all anymore. When I got home, I was not greeted by my parents at all. In fact, they were up in their room doing whatever it is that they're doing up there. Whatever it is, it's really loud and sounds kinda...weird. Before I could go in and check, my phone started buzzing like crazy. When I turned it on, it was the group chat that never sleeps. 

\- Butters and Cartman have been kicked out of the chat- 

Kenny: hey guys 

Stan; o u gud 

Kenny: yea that ghost thing goes away after battle 

Kenny: so whats the plan 

Clyde: could u hear us as a ghost 

Kenny: no

Clyde: sp00ky

Clyde: o guys no cursing anymore my dad checks my phone 

Craig: pussy 

Clyde: Craig111!

Kyle: Craig, are you coming with us tomorrow? 

Craig: where

Kyle: We're going to the old Coon and Friend's base to either find information or catch them. 

Craig: thats dumb 

Tweek: no it's not >-< 

Kenny: idk if i like tht plan 

Wendy: Everywhere else isn't safe. We can't go back to our base because of the police and we thought about going to Hindsight's place but that's not safe either. 

Stan: & we will catch the 2 of them thre 

Kyle: We may even find some information on their whereabouts if they're not there already. 

Kenny: so r we going prepared 

Kenny: this isnt a safe space right

Token: we r going prepared i think 

Craig: fine 

Tweek: oh so ur going :/ 

Craig: yea

Clyde: y r u 2 fighting :(( 

Tweek: we are not!! uwu 

Kyle: If you two want to go argue, do it on your own personal conversation. We have stuff we need to do and fixing your relationship isn't one of them. 

Craig: dick

Clyde: srsly craig my dad is gunna kill me

I can't take it anymore, they're getting on my nerves. I turned off my phone and tossed it to the edge of my bed, then threw myself onto that same bed. With a short thud, I sunk into the soft mattress and closed my eyes. I don't know how much longer I can deal with them anymore, their fighting. I hate seeing people fight, it's always so awkward and sad for them and everyone else involved in it. I should've known their fight would've continued and not have been dropped, they've fought before. 

I was in the middle of their other fight too. It was weird just sitting there, running back and forth between the two of them and trying to get them to just get the hell along. Should people our age really be fighting like this? Isn't this what married couples do? Fight and fuck? That's all I can remember my parents doing, and I just don't get it. Wait- do Craig and Tweek have sex? Oh my God...oh my God! Wait- if they have sex then do Stan and Wendy have sex!

 Oh my God! All four of them aren't virgins anymore! Why didn't they tell me?! I rolled onto my back then sat up in my bed, grabbing for my phone. Wait- what does sex even look like? I saw what my mom and dad did, but that's with a man and woman. So...is that what Stan and Wendy did? Why would you put your dick in a vagina, do they just piss into each other or something? Why would people piss into each other anyway, that's so gross! My mom gets upset if I miss then bowl but she's perfectly okay with dad doing that inside her piss hole? Is that just a couples only thing? 

Wait, what do Craig and Tweek do? They both have penises so do they just...pee on each other's penises? Hang on- now I have to know. I grabbed my phone and turned it on, then unlocked it. What do I even look up? How do two men have sex? Yeah, that sounds like a good enough search. I tapped on my google app and went to go type. 'how do two men have sex?' I typed in, and it quickly gave me what I was looking for. 

'Males who identify as gay, bisexual or just  **do sexual**  things with other males may use their fingers (manual stimulation), mouths (oral  **sex** ) and various body parts to give and receive pleasure. They may kiss, touch each other's bodies or touch the penis and other areas including the scrotum or the anus.' is what it said, but it just left me with more questions. So- they don't piss on each other? What does the mouth, fingers, have to do with this? Kissing, 'scrotum'-what is this?? I might just ask my parents later, they'll kill me if they found out I'm still up right now. 

I turned off my phone and placed it on my nightstand then stood up. Grabbing the blankets, I pulled them out so I could get inside. After I did that I threw the blankets over my body as I crawled back into bed. It's nice to be able to actually fall asleep again, but tomorrow I'm not going to be able to relax like this. How did I get caught up in this stuff? Super powers, fights, police officers? This is all just way too much for me, or anyone else, to handle. I don't know how those guys stay sane by doing all this crazy shit. 

...I can't stop thinking about the sex thing. Why do people do that shit anyway?? It sounds so damn gross and I just don't get it. Who's someone who can explain this stuff to me? I'm sure those four could, but...I'm not really close with any of them. I did help Tweek and Craig with their relationship but...still-they're fighting so that's not really something I can talk to them about. There's no way in hell I'm talking to a  _girl_ about this and Stan-I guess I could ask Stan. No wait he's straight so he wouldn't know how gay sex works either. Unless he's 'bisexual' or something. 

Well, if the internet can't tell me, Tweek and Craig can't tell me, Stan and Wendy can't tell me, I guess I'm just not supposed to know? It's not like I'm going to do anything like that anyway with anyone so I guess I don't really need to know. I sighed, squeezing my eyes tightly shut. I need to get to sleep or else I'm gonna hate waking up early tomorrow! But how can I when I don't know how sex works! Oh, I know! I bet there's videos showing you how to do it on the internet or something, there's videos for everything there!

Tonight is going to be a long night, isn't it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor itty bitty New Kid


End file.
